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Hi,
Please give your valuable inputs on my attempt....

You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase it has stopped working. You spoke to the company representative a week ago but it is still not been repaired. Write a letter to the company. In your letter:
 Introduce yourself
 Explain the situation
 Say what action you would like the company to take.

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to inform you about my mobile phone which has stopped working after few days of purchase.
My name is Sunil Kumar. I had purchased I-phone 5(32GB)(Bill number : 5463732 dated 5/5/2013) from your store. After few days, its screen stopped responding. As I thought it might be a minor issue so I called your company representative. He tried but was unable to resolve the problem. So I returned back the mobile phone to your store and the receptionist raised the request for repair or replacement for the phone.
The receptionist told me that the company will contact me as soon as the phone gets repaired/replaced. A week has passed but I have not got any update on my request. I am very disappointed by the kind of service I am getting.
I strongly recommend that you must take some quick action and get my phone replaced as soon as possible. Moreover, I suggest company should take the responsibility of informing the customers in case of delay in such cases.
Yours faithfully,
Sunil
 

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Hi,
Please give your valuable inputs on my attempt....

You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase it has stopped working. You spoke to the company representative a week ago but it is still not been repaired. Write a letter to the company. In your letter:
 Introduce yourself
 Explain the situation
 Say what action you would like the company to take.

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to inform you about my mobile phone which has stopped working after few days of purchase.
My name is Sunil Kumar. I had purchased I-phone 5(32GB)(Bill number : 5463732 dated 5/5/2013) from your store. After few days, its screen stopped responding. As I thought it might be a minor issue so I called your company representative. He tried but was unable to resolve the problem. So I returned back the mobile phone to your store and the receptionist raised the request for repair or replacement for the phone.
The receptionist told me that the company will contact me as soon as the phone gets repaired/replaced. A week has passed but I have not got any update on my request. I am very disappointed by the kind of service I am getting.
I strongly recommend that you must take some quick action and get my phone replaced as soon as possible. Moreover, I suggest company should take the responsibility of informing the customers in case of delay in such cases.
Yours faithfully,
Sunil

Errors highlighted in red. They are either unnecessary or incorrect.

First off, iPhone is a trademark and should always be written as iPhone for it to be correct.

'As I thought' - 'I thought <xyz>, so'. The 'as' is unnecessary

'So I returned back'. The 'so' is unnecessary and adding the 'back' in there is redundant. 'I returned the mobile phone...' would be correct

'have not got' - should be 'have not gotten'. You need to use past participle

'kind' - not necessarily incorrect but 'quality' sounds more polished

'must' - unnecessary

'suggest company' - which company? be specific e.g 'suggest that your company'

'the customers' - the 'the' is unnecessary since you're grouping customers already

'in case of delay in such cases' - the word case could be seen as being used too much and should be revised. a more polished statement would be 'of delays in such cases'

:cool:
 

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You start the letter repeating word by word what was written on the task:

Task text: You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase it has stopped working.

Your text: I am writing to inform you about my mobile phone which has stopped working after few days of purchase.

You should not do that.
 
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You start the letter repeating word by word what was written on the task:

Task text: You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase it has stopped working.

Your text: I am writing to inform you about my mobile phone which has stopped working after few days of purchase.

You should not do that.
I think he was just giving us the context of his response
 

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You should write with your own words and not repeat words that are on the task summary.
 

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You should write with your own words and not repeat words that are on the task summary.
Didn't do so well in comprehension, huh?
 

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You start the letter repeating word by word what was written on the task:

Task text: You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase it has stopped working.

Your text: I am writing to inform you about my mobile phone which has stopped working after few days of purchase.

You should not do that.
hello BB,

you have a great IELTS score.

i am always having problem in starting an essay(the first sentence). do you have any suggestions or tips.

it will be grateful.

Thanks.
 

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Hi,

"have got" is correct. "Gotten" is rarely used.

For Janardhan's question:
It is important to answer the task completely, use a wide range grammar correctly, use a wide range of vocabulary correctly, and have an understandable essay. Smallest mistakes like forgetting the "-s" of 3rd person singular in present tense or not using the plural -s where necessary can make you lose marks.

For task 2:
-You essay must have a thesis statement. That's your idea, what you support, what you agree or disagree.
-The safest way is to write 4 paragraphs. You can write 3 body paragraphs in some cases. Then the strongest topic sentence will be in body 1.
1-Introduction
2-Body paragraph1
3-Body paragraph2
4-Conclusion

Introduction paragraph must carry the thesis statement of the essay, and give an idea what is to be explained in body 1 and body 2.
Each body paragraph must have a topic sentence. Preferrably start with your topic sentence, and add 3 supporting sentences in each body.
Then finish everything in the conclusion by paraphrasing your thesis statement an your topic sentences.

If you prepare ahead and make an outline or a draft, you are halfway done.

This should be done in note form, you shouldn't waste a lot of time on this.

Just to give you an idea the essay outline can be like this:
Let's say the subject is something like working from home, adv or disv, what do you think?
I-Thesis statement
Working from home is better than working in an office, etc.
II-Body 1
You can arrange your working times (spare time to your family, yourself, you dont waste time commuting so no stress,)
III-Body 2
You work in the cozy atmosphere of your home. No cold office walls, no supervisor on your back, less contact with people, no office drama, etc
IV-Body 3
You spend less. You dont spend Money on commuting, gas or tickets. No need to buy business clothes, no dry cleaning bills.
V- Conclusion
(Gather everything up)

working from home has more plus points. and the paraphrased topic sentences.

How to paraphrase:
Learn some synonyms, disadvantages=drawback, significant=crucial, etc
 
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Hi,

"have got" is correct. "Gotten" is rarely used.

apologies..i just checked the differences, have got is UK english, whereas gotten is US

where I'm from, we use a hybrid mix of the two :eek:
 

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Hi,
Please give your valuable inputs on my attempt....

You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase it has stopped working. You spoke to the company representative a week ago but it is still not been repaired. Write a letter to the company. In your letter:

How can someone who makes such simple errors mark anyone else on their English???????????????????????????
 

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Hi,
Please give your valuable inputs on my attempt....

You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase it has stopped working. You spoke to the company representative a week ago but it is still not been repaired. Write a letter to the company. In your letter:
 Introduce yourself
 Explain the situation
 Say what action you would like the company to take.

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to inform you about my mobile phone which has stopped working after few days of purchase.
My name is Sunil Kumar. I had purchased I-phone 5(32GB)(Bill number : 5463732 dated 5/5/2013) from your store. After few days, its screen stopped responding. As I thought it might be a minor issue so I called your company representative. He tried but was unable to resolve the problem. So I returned back the mobile phone to your store and the receptionist raised the request for repair or replacement for the phone.
The receptionist told me that the company will contact me as soon as the phone gets repaired/replaced. A week has passed but I have not got any update on my request. I am very disappointed by the kind of service I am getting.
I strongly recommend that you must take some quick action and get my phone replaced as soon as possible. Moreover, I suggest company should take the responsibility of informing the customers in case of delay in such cases.
Yours faithfully,
Sunil
Hope the following website will help you:
ielts-simon.com: IELTS General Writing
 

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Registered
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Hi,
Please give your valuable inputs on my attempt....

You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase it has stopped working. You spoke to the company representative a week ago but it is still not been repaired. Write a letter to the company. In your letter:
 Introduce yourself
 Explain the situation
 Say what action you would like the company to take.

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to inform you about my mobile phone which has stopped working after few days of purchase.
My name is Sunil Kumar. I had purchased I-phone 5(32GB)(Bill number : 5463732 dated 5/5/2013) from your store. After few days, its screen stopped responding. As I thought it might be a minor issue so I called your company representative. He tried but was unable to resolve the problem. So I returned back the mobile phone to your store and the receptionist raised the request for repair or replacement for the phone.
The receptionist told me that the company will contact me as soon as the phone gets repaired/replaced. A week has passed but I have not got any update on my request. I am very disappointed by the kind of service I am getting.
I strongly recommend that you must take some quick action and get my phone replaced as soon as possible. Moreover, I suggest company should take the responsibility of informing the customers in case of delay in such cases.
Yours faithfully,
Sunil
Hope the following website will help you:
ielts-simon.com: IELTS General Writing
 
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