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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Kindly assess and provide feedback.

You have been sent abroad for a 3-month training which is about to finish. Write a letter to your company manager asking their permission to stay longer and say
- How does the training benefit you?
- Why do you need to stay longer?
- Inform the manager when you will come back.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to you to seek your permission to extend my stay in United States for further training.
First of all, I would like to share my experience of “On job training”. This training has been quite helpful to learn all aspects of my day to day activities and I have started working on assigned tasks with a very minimal help of mentors. Moreover, all the trainers are very supportive and never get frustrated with my repetitive queries. Although, it has been 3 months since I came here and I am suppose to come back as per schedule but few more months of training will help me to accomplish my tasks independently in future. Also, it will help me to enhance my client relationship skills. As per onsite manager, couple of months will be sufficient to reduce my dependency on my onshore counterparts. I would like to ask for your permission to extend my trip for two months and get postponed my return ticket for 13th November, 2013.
Hope to see your positive response towards my extension of stay in United States.
Yours sincerely,
XYZ
 

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Kindly assess and provide feedback.

You have been sent abroad for a 3-month training which is about to finish. Write a letter to your company manager asking their permission to stay longer and say
- How does the training benefit you?
- Why do you need to stay longer?
- Inform the manager when you will come back.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to you to seek your permission to extend my stay in United States for further training.
First of all, I would like to share my experience of “On job training”. This training has been quite helpful to learn all aspects of my day to day activities and I have started working on assigned tasks with a very minimal help of mentors. Moreover, all the trainers are very supportive and never get frustrated with my repetitive queries. Although, it has been 3 months since I came here and I am suppose to come back as per schedule but few more months of training will help me to accomplish my tasks independently in future. Also, it will help me to enhance my client relationship skills. As per onsite manager, couple of months will be sufficient to reduce my dependency on my onshore counterparts. I would like to ask for your permission to extend my trip for two months and get postponed my return ticket for 13th November, 2013.
Hope to see your positive response towards my extension of stay in United States.
Yours sincerely,
XYZ
Hello New_user01,

Here are my thoughts on your letter, which are highlighted in bold (Your usage is in Italics):

1. "Dear Jim" for instance, would be better instead of "Dear sir". Dear Sir could be more appropriate for those public officers like PF officers etc, or even can be used for college professors/school teachers and for those whose name you don't know, in which case, you use "Dear Sir/Madam". Atleast in IT industry, we do not use "Dear Sir" for managers. But address them by names respectfully.

2. I am writing to you to seek your permission - I am really not sure if this needs a correction. But I would write it this way "I am writing to seek your permission", instead of duplicating with "to you". I am not still confident which is better.

3. share my experience of “On job training” - I would write it as "share the experience of my "On the job training". Here, sentence style can be made better. Also, I feel you are missing "the". Remember the articles "a, an, the", it is very expensive.

4. day to day activities and I have started working on assigned tasks - day-to-day activities, (or duties) and I have already started working on the assigned tasks Remember the article again. Also, use "already" sort of elements as and when required (Like you used rightly used "quite helpful" instead of just "helpful".) Missing coma. Coma is a preposition, missing which is expensive too. Its a versatile tool, please find below.

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/English_in_Use/Commas

5. never get frustrated with my repetitive queries - quite friendly to answer my queries all the time. Try not to use negative words such as "frustrated". It gives a different feel when we fastly read through. We stop and stare at such words.

6. been 3 months - been three months. Don't use numbers in these contexts in professional letters.

7. I am suppose to - I am supposed to. Grammar !

8. Although, it has been 3 months since I came here and I am suppose to come back as per schedule but few more months of training will help me to accomplish my tasks independently in future. This sentence is too complex and these kind of sentences could cause a lot. I leave it for you as a homework to correct it. Your linking here sounds to be not better.

9. As per onsite manager - As per the opinion of my onsite supervisor

10. my dependency on my - Duplicacy, which indicates poor framing of sentence and could cause half a band. Please read on how to frame simple sentences.

11. I would like to ask for your permission to extend my trip - I would like to request for your permission to extend my trip. Polite words when writing to superiors and especially in official writings.

12. I would like to ask for your permission to extend my trip for two months and get postponed my return ticket for 13th November, 2013. - This sentence doesn't seem to be correct in the latter part. Please reframe it. I leave it to you. You are using "get postponed" like you write to your junior. HaHa. Well you can really reframe it better.

13. Hope to see your positive response towards my extension of stay in United States. - Its very casual sentence, like how one write for a distant family/kins/friends on occassions when they are short tripping to a place near us and we are saying " hope to see you". Well, "hope" is on casual/informal letters. "Trust" is for formal letters. I would reframe it using polite words as "I would appreciate your kind consideration on my request, and look forward to seeing your reply at your earliest possible convenience".

14. Generally, when you are addressing to an unknown person using "Dear Sir", you must end with "Yours faithfully". If the person is known to you and you address by Name (or) Mr/Mrs/Ms Surname, then "Yours sincerely"

See below for good business words and phrases. Also, it has mentioned the business style of subscription that I was talking about above with examples.

http://speakspeak.com/resources/general-english-vocabulary/business-letter-writing-phrases

Your overall effort is good, but as per my observations, please see how you can write it still better. You should hold the better grip on articles, simple sentence formation, using polite words when writing to seniors and other observations.

Perhaps, I can say 6.5/9 for your letter. These are just my thoughts, so do not just go alone by my writings here. You are already good, but can still do better as you are capable of scoring higher bands if you can hone your English language skills.

Best regards,
JR
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Your overall effort is good said:
Very well assessed...

All the points are valid and your suggestions are always helpful.

Thank you JR.

I will rewrite the sentences left over by you and post here afterwards.

Appreciated your help!!
 

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Very well assessed...

All the points are valid and your suggestions are always helpful.

Thank you JR.

I will rewrite the sentences left over by you and post here afterwards.

Appreciated your help!!
My pleasure. Glad to see your commitment to do the left overs. It will help me to learn too.

I hope to see some more advises on this letter and my points of observation from others. That will help me to learn too.

Best regards,
JR
 

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Hello New_user01,

Here are my thoughts on your letter, which are highlighted in bold (Your usage is in Italics):

1. "Dear Jim" for instance, would be better instead of "Dear sir". Dear Sir could be more appropriate for those public officers like PF officers etc, or even can be used for college professors/school teachers and for those whose name you don't know, in which case, you use "Dear Sir/Madam". Atleast in IT industry, we do not use "Dear Sir" for managers. But address them by names respectfully.

2. I am writing to you to seek your permission - I am really not sure if this needs a correction. But I would write it this way "I am writing to seek your permission", instead of duplicating with "to you". I am not still confident which is better.

3. share my experience of “On job training” - I would write it as "share the experience of my "On the job training". Here, sentence style can be made better. Also, I feel you are missing "the". Remember the articles "a, an, the", it is very expensive.

4. day to day activities and I have started working on assigned tasks - day-to-day activities, (or duties) and I have already started working on the assigned tasks Remember the article again. Also, use "already" sort of elements as and when required (Like you used rightly used "quite helpful" instead of just "helpful".) Missing coma. Coma is a preposition, missing which is expensive too. Its a versatile tool, please find below.

English in Use/Commas - Wikibooks, open books for an open world

5. never get frustrated with my repetitive queries - quite friendly to answer my queries all the time. Try not to use negative words such as "frustrated". It gives a different feel when we fastly read through. We stop and stare at such words.

6. been 3 months - been three months. Don't use numbers in these contexts in professional letters.

7. I am suppose to - I am supposed to. Grammar !

8. Although, it has been 3 months since I came here and I am suppose to come back as per schedule but few more months of training will help me to accomplish my tasks independently in future. This sentence is too complex and these kind of sentences could cause a lot. I leave it for you as a homework to correct it. Your linking here sounds to be not better.

9. As per onsite manager - As per the opinion of my onsite supervisor

10. my dependency on my - Duplicacy, which indicates poor framing of sentence and could cause half a band. Please read on how to frame simple sentences.

11. I would like to ask for your permission to extend my trip - I would like to request for your permission to extend my trip. Polite words when writing to superiors and especially in official writings.

12. I would like to ask for your permission to extend my trip for two months and get postponed my return ticket for 13th November, 2013. - This sentence doesn't seem to be correct in the latter part. Please reframe it. I leave it to you. You are using "get postponed" like you write to your junior. HaHa. Well you can really reframe it better.

13. Hope to see your positive response towards my extension of stay in United States. - Its very casual sentence, like how one write for a distant family/kins/friends on occassions when they are short tripping to a place near us and we are saying " hope to see you". Well, "hope" is on casual/informal letters. "Trust" is for formal letters. I would reframe it using polite words as "I would appreciate your kind consideration on my request, and look forward to seeing your reply at your earliest possible convenience".

14. Generally, when you are addressing to an unknown person using "Dear Sir", you must end with "Yours faithfully". If the person is known to you and you address by Name (or) Mr/Mrs/Ms Surname, then "Yours sincerely"

See below for good business words and phrases. Also, it has mentioned the business style of subscription that I was talking about above with examples.

Using Yours faithfully and Yours sincerely.

Your overall effort is good, but as per my observations, please see how you can write it still better. You should hold the better grip on articles, simple sentence formation, using polite words when writing to seniors and other observations.

Perhaps, I can say 6.5/9 for your letter. These are just my thoughts, so do not just go alone by my writings here. You are already good, but can still do better as you are capable of scoring higher bands if you can hone your English language skills.

Best regards,
JR
5th Point of mine can be corrected or better used as "quite friendly to respond to my queries all the time". I am using "respond to" instead of "answer". I feel, that is better and will be still professional.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
5th Point of mine can be corrected or better used as "quite friendly to respond to my queries all the time". I am using "respond to" instead of "answer". I feel, that is better and will be still professional.
Please check if these are suitable-:


Although, I have already spent 3 months in onsite training but few more months will enhance my skills as an individual contributor.


I would like to request your permission for the trip extension and seek your assistance to change the date of my return flight ticket.
 

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Please check if these are suitable-:


Although, I have already spent 3 months in onsite training but few more months will enhance my skills as an individual contributor.


I would like to request your permission for the trip extension and seek your assistance to change the date of my return flight ticket.
Although I have completed three months of my onsite training, spending some more time will certainly enhance my skills as an individual contributor.

I would like to further, seek your kind consideration and permission on extending my training period, and also your help on postponing my return travel arrangements. As per the discussion and estimation with my onsite coordinator, my return journey has been planned for 25th October 2013. Kindly do the neefdul on the same.


I am not sure how well I framed it, especially the first sentence that I framed, I am not still confident about the correctness of contrasting style. I am skeptical about it. Any feedback from you or others would be appreciated. I am confident on the second sentence.

Please remember to use "three" instead of numeric "3". You may use 3rd March but not 3 months, 3 times, 3 intervals and so on. It is better to use in words in such occasions. Please remember the difference. Also, no coma after although in this context.

Please see the "Although Ram" example below for right usage.

http://gmat-grammar.blogspot.in/2006/06/although-vs-though-vs-even-though.html

Best regards,
JR
 

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Although I have completed three months of my onsite training, spending some more time will certainly enhance my skills as an individual contributor.

I would like to further, seek your kind consideration and permission on extending my training period, and also your help on postponing my return travel arrangements. As per the discussion and estimation with my onsite coordinator, my return journey has been planned for 25th October 2013. Kindly do the neefdul on the same.


I am not sure how well I framed it, especially the first sentence that I framed, I am not still confident about the correctness of contrasting style. I am skeptical about it. Any feedback from you or others would be appreciated. I am confident on the second sentence.

Please remember to use "three" instead of numeric "3". You may use 3rd March but not 3 months, 3 times, 3 intervals and so on. It is better to use in words in such occasions. Please remember the difference. Also, no coma after although in this context.

Please see the "Although Ram" example below for right usage.

GMAT Grammar: Although vs Though vs Even though

Best regards,
JR
One more way.

Although I have completed three months of my onsite training, spending some more time will make me confident to perform as an individual contributor.

I think this also sounds better than my earlier above statement. I would write this way. Only thing I am skeptical about it is, the contrasting part fitness to "although".

Honestly, there are many ways to write in English, but care should be taken that we do not commit errors. Thus, your statements are good as well.
 

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Although I have completed three months of my onsite training, spending some more time will certainly enhance my skills as an individual contributor.

I would like to further, seek your kind consideration and permission on extending my training period, and also your help on postponing my return travel arrangements. As per the discussion and estimation with my onsite coordinator, my return journey has been planned for 25th October 2013. Kindly do the neefdul on the same.


I am not sure how well I framed it, especially the first sentence that I framed, I am not still confident about the correctness of contrasting style. I am skeptical about it. Any feedback from you or others would be appreciated. I am confident on the second sentence.

Please remember to use "three" instead of numeric "3". You may use 3rd March but not 3 months, 3 times, 3 intervals and so on. It is better to use in words in such occasions. Please remember the difference. Also, no coma after although in this context.

Please see the "Although Ram" example below for right usage.

GMAT Grammar: Although vs Though vs Even though

Best regards,
JR
Just as an aside, no one outside of India uses the phrase "kindly do the needful". In fact, I had only really come across it when I was working with people in India at a previous job and they would finish their emails with that phrase. It's a really dated and kind of awkward sounding phrase (at least to my native ears) so I wouldn't recommend using it outside of India and especially when writing to native speakers. It's also a bit vague and doesn't quite tell the person what they need to do. And in American English especially, it sounds a bit inappropriate, so definitely don't use it when you're writing to American colleagues.

A better way to ask someone to do something is to respond contextually. For example, if the sentence was "John, I have attached the revised code for project XYZ. Kindly do the needful." I would rephrase that as follows: "John, I have attached the revised code for project XYZ. Please review the highlighted portions and send over your revisions by Monday afternoon."
 

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Just as an aside, no one outside of India uses the phrase "kindly do the needful". In fact, I had only really come across it when I was working with people in India at a previous job and they would finish their emails with that phrase. It's a really dated and kind of awkward sounding phrase (at least to my native ears) so I wouldn't recommend using it outside of India and especially when writing to native speakers. It's also a bit vague and doesn't quite tell the person what they need to do. And in American English especially, it sounds a bit inappropriate, so definitely don't use it when you're writing to American colleagues.

A better way to ask someone to do something is to respond contextually. For example, if the sentence was "John, I have attached the revised code for project XYZ. Kindly do the needful." I would rephrase that as follows: "John, I have attached the revised code for project XYZ. Please review the highlighted portions and send over your revisions by Monday afternoon."
Hi ozbound,

Thank you so much for taking time to review this and your help on correcting the sentence. I greatly appreciate it. Surely, it is a great learning for all of us. Yes, it is quite inappropriate to use some generic phrase like this. I was unaware of this, I will be cautious not to use this anytime again. :) However, personally, I never use this phrase in my business. I use something contextual in my professional emails while I write to my American counterparts and other guys. But when I was preparing for IELTS, somewhere I have come across this and thus remembered that and wrote here.

Certainly, this correction would help all of us a lot. I appreciate your helping attitude.

I am passionate to learn more and more to improve my English language skills :)

Best regards,
JR
 

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Just as an aside, no one outside of India uses the phrase "kindly do the needful". In fact, I had only really come across it when I was working with people in India at a previous job and they would finish their emails with that phrase. It's a really dated and kind of awkward sounding phrase (at least to my native ears) so I wouldn't recommend using it outside of India and especially when writing to native speakers. It's also a bit vague and doesn't quite tell the person what they need to do. And in American English especially, it sounds a bit inappropriate, so definitely don't use it when you're writing to American colleagues.

A better way to ask someone to do something is to respond contextually. For example, if the sentence was "John, I have attached the revised code for project XYZ. Kindly do the needful." I would rephrase that as follows: "John, I have attached the revised code for project XYZ. Please review the highlighted portions and send over your revisions by Monday afternoon."
Hello ozbound,

Please feel free to correct me/us, as and when you see the sentences or English needs improvement. I am open to it and passionate to learn :)

Thank you.

Best regards,
JR
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Hello ozbound,

Please feel free to correct me/us, as and when you see the sentences or English needs improvement. I am open to it and passionate to learn :)

Thank you.

Best regards,
JR

I found your sentences more suitable then mine's..

Also, ozbound's ssuggestion is indeed helpful for many people here.

Although I don't use it in my email writing but I was also unaware about the fact of using "Kindly do the needful".
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Hello Seniors,

Can you evaluate my letter writing?

Writing task 1 (a letter)
Write a letter to your landlord about the neighbours above your flat that are disturbing and say that you wish to make a complaint.

Dear Mike,
I am writing to you in regard to the inconvenience I am facing because of new neighbours.

As you know, I am a student of PHD which requires lots of concentration while studying.
However, new neighbours shifted on 2nd floor make lots of noise all the time. Also, they do late night parties and play loud music which does not allow me to sleep properly. Furthermore, due to wooden floor, their foot moments while dancing sounds heavily in my bedroom and that is due to living on adjacent lower floor of the building.

I know that you own that flat of 2nd floor, so I would request you to please communicate with the residents staying of the house to cut out their late night parties and ask them to not play music loudly. Alternatively, please refund my security so I can look for new house.

I would appreciate if you resolve this matter on urgent basis as this is hampering my studies.

Looking forward to hear from you soon.

Yours faithfully,
XYZ
 

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Hello Seniors,

Can you evaluate my letter writing?

Writing task 1 (a letter)
Write a letter to your landlord about the neighbours above your flat that are disturbing and say that you wish to make a complaint.

Dear Mike,
I am writing to you in regard to the inconvenience I am facing because of new neighbours.

As you know, I am a student of PHD which requires lots of concentration while studying.
However, new neighbours shifted on 2nd floor make lots of noise all the time. Also, they do late night parties and play loud music which does not allow me to sleep properly. Furthermore, due to wooden floor, their foot moments while dancing sounds heavily in my bedroom and that is due to living on adjacent lower floor of the building.

I know that you own that flat of 2nd floor, so I would request you to please communicate with the residents staying of the house to cut out their late night parties and ask them to not play music loudly. Alternatively, please refund my security so I can look for new house.

I would appreciate if you resolve this matter on urgent basis as this is hampering my studies.

Looking forward to hear from you soon.

Yours faithfully,
XYZ

Hi friend,

Here my feedback goes.

1. Instead of inconvenience, use disturbance/annoyance.

2. Even, the letter if starts like "i am writing this letter to complain about xyz..." is better.

3. residents staying of the house" is grammatically incorrect.

To me, it seems to me band 6.5 level letter.

Some fine tuning of improper words can make it to 7 or 7.5

All the best,
Sathiya
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Hi friend,

Here my feedback goes.

1. Instead of inconvenience, use disturbance/annoyance.

2. Even, the letter if starts like "i am writing this letter to complain about xyz..." is better.

3. residents staying of the house" is grammatically incorrect.

To me, it seems to me band 6.5 level letter.

Some fine tuning of improper words can make it to 7 or 7.5

All the best,
Sathiya
Thanks a lot Sathiya!

Every feedback is helping me to write better.

I forgot to remove "staying" in residents "staying of the house"
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Can someone evaluate the letter and expected band score-:

I hope you are well. It has been a while when I wrote to you last time. I am writing you to invite on the occasion of my son’s first Birthday celebration.

As you know, my wife and I had been planning for our son’s first birthday celebration since long, and finally last week, we decided to organize it on a big scale. We were having long conversations till last week about budget, and we never wanted to compromise on any necessary thing for the function including food, return gift, etc. As you are one of the closest friends I have, I am sending you the first invitation to you. Also, we have always celebrated each other’s cherish and big moments together so you have to be with me on this occasion as well. I will be more than happy if you come along with your whole family.

Furthermore, you need not to worry about the accommodation, which I have already arranged for all the guests coming from different cities. We have booked ten rooms in hotel City Park which is 200 metres away from our house and one can cover the distance by walking. Moreover, I will send my younger brother to pick you up from the railway station.
Hope to see you soon.

Yours lovingly,
XYZ
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Can someone evaluate the letter and expected band score-:

I hope you are well. It has been a while when I wrote to you last time. I am writing you to invite on the occasion of my son’s first Birthday celebration.

As you know, my wife and I had been planning for our son’s first birthday celebration since long, and finally last week, we decided to organize it on a big scale. We were having long conversations till last week about budget, and we never wanted to compromise on any necessary thing for the function including food, return gift, etc. As you are one of the closest friends I have, I am sending you the first invitation to you. Also, we have always celebrated each other’s cherish and big moments together so you have to be with me on this occasion as well. I will be more than happy if you come along with your whole family.

Furthermore, you need not to worry about the accommodation, which I have already arranged for all the guests coming from different cities. We have booked ten rooms in hotel City Park which is 200 metres away from our house and one can cover the distance by walking. Moreover, I will send my younger brother to pick you up from the railway station.
Hope to see you soon.

Yours lovingly,
XYZ

Seniors- Please provide feedback.
 

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Can someone evaluate the letter and expected band score-:

I hope you are well. It has been a while when I wrote to you last time. I am writing you to invite on the occasion of my son’s first Birthday celebration.

As you know, my wife and I had been planning for our son’s first birthday celebration since long, and finally last week, we decided to organize it on a big scale. We were having long conversations till last week about budget, and we never wanted to compromise on any necessary thing for the function including food, return gift, etc. As you are one of the closest friends I have, I am sending you the first invitation to you. Also, we have always celebrated each other’s cherish and big moments together so you have to be with me on this occasion as well. I will be more than happy if you come along with your whole family.

Furthermore, you need not to worry about the accommodation, which I have already arranged for all the guests coming from different cities. We have booked ten rooms in hotel City Park which is 200 metres away from our house and one can cover the distance by walking. Moreover, I will send my younger brother to pick you up from the railway station.
Hope to see you soon.

Yours lovingly,
XYZ
hI FRIEND,

My feedback is:

1. Don't use "etc." in letter/essay. Instead, write few more things.
2. instead of "i am writing to invite you ..." this looks like formal. As you are writing an informal letter, start writing like " i want/would like to invite you to celebrate our son's first birthday that will be held in a week"
3. I am sending you the first invitation to you-two you's. grammatically incorrect.
4. use less frequently used words. For ex, instead of "happy", the highly used word, write "jubilant" pleased, on cloud nine, in the seventh heaven. Pour them in various paragraphs. use the idioms, phrases to decorate
5. Grammatical accuracy is ok yet some fine tuning is needed.
6. close the letter like "can't wait to see you"

Overall, although the letter has some inaccuracies, it is worth for 6.5-7 bands, according to me.

Keep one thing in mind that depending on the type of the letter you write, you must fine tune. In case of informal letter, at least, use some informal words and if the letter is formal, use as many formal words as possible. this is missing in your writing.

Regards,
sathiya
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
hI FRIEND,



Keep one thing in mind that depending on the type of the letter you write, you must fine tune. In case of informal letter, at least, use some informal words and if the letter is formal, use as many formal words as possible. this is missing in your writing.

Regards,
sathiya

Hi Sathiya,

Thanks for the feedback. Your comments are 100% valid and suggestions are great. I will try to these incorporate in my writings.
 
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