Expat Forum For People Moving Overseas And Living Abroad banner
1 - 4 of 4 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi All

Can anyone validate my writing and suggest in which area i need improvement.I am going for IELTS exam next week.This will be of great help.

Task1-
You are a university student who are living in an accommodation at the campus. One day you find something wrong with your accommodation. So write a letter to house officer to tell him what happened, the reason you think and what you decide to do and whether you are right.

Dear Sir,
I am writing this to inform you about the water leakage problem with my accommodation.
My name is Subhash Kumar. I am a student in your university (Roll Number: 34565). I am residing in accommodation provided at campus since January, 2013. As you know, weather has changed recently and there is frequent rainfall now a days. Last time when it rained, my accommodation was completely converted into a mess. My bedding got wet as the water came from the broken glass pane and the ceiling was also leaking. I could not find any place to sleep that night so I had to go to my friend’s home. Moreover, due to wet bedding and furniture, the room has started stinking badly. It is very difficult to continue to stay in this accommodation.
I request you to provide reimbursement of the fees which I have paid for this accommodation. I am planning to get new accommodation outside the university campus so that it will be easier for me to commute to the company where I have recently joined in for training for 6 months. I will be obliged if I can get the fees as soon as possible as it will help me to pay advance security charges for the new accommodation.
Yours faithfully,
Subhash.


Task2-
Some people believe that only pupils of similar interest should be given admissions in school. Others are of the opinion that school should be open to all children with varied interests. How far you agree or disagree with above views. Give your opinion in not less than 250 words.


“Schools are temples and teachers are God”. This is taught to most of the students from their first day in school. In ancient times in India, education was only for higher class of people but as time passed, the rules have changed and now it’s right of every human being without any discrimination on the basis of caste, creed or sex. I believe, like doors of the temple which is open for all, school should be open for all children with varied interests.
I feel with varied interests, students can teach each other. They can learn how to accept other’s talents and respect each other for the same. The social circle of students increases with variety of knowledge which these students can share among themselves. We should encourage students to build interest in different areas.
If a student is surrounded by different ideas, it will be easy for him to learn and excel in most of the fields. Moreover, students with same ideology restrict themselves and they will follow each other just to show how superior one is. This results in jealousy and unworthy friend circle. On the other hand, pupils with varied interest makes strong bonding as they help each other in different prospects. It is the need of every developing country that the youth must be all-rounder so that the country can excel in every field (from sports to research and inventions).
In conclusion, I would like to say that education and knowledge in every area is more worthy if it is shared. A circle of students with diversity in thoughts are more knowledgeable than the ones who bound themselves with similar ideas.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,949 Posts
Hi All

Can anyone validate my writing and suggest in which area i need improvement.I am going for IELTS exam next week.This will be of great help.

Task1-
You are a university student who are living in an accommodation at the campus. One day you find something wrong with your accommodation. So write a letter to house officer to tell him what happened, the reason you think and what you decide to do and whether you are right.

Dear Sir,
I am writing this to inform you about the water leakage problem with my accommodation.
My name is Subhash Kumar. I am a student in your university (Roll Number: 34565). I am residing in accommodation provided at campus since January, 2013. As you know, weather has changed recently and there is frequent rainfall now a days. Last time when it rained, my accommodation was completely converted into a mess. My bedding got wet as the water came from the broken glass pane and the ceiling was also leaking. I could not find any place to sleep that night so I had to go to my friend’s home. Moreover, due to wet bedding and furniture, the room has started stinking badly. It is very difficult to continue to stay in this accommodation.
I request you to provide reimbursement of the fees which I have paid for this accommodation. I am planning to get new accommodation outside the university campus so that it will be easier for me to commute to the company where I have recently joined in for training for 6 months. I will be obliged if I can get the fees as soon as possible as it will help me to pay advance security charges for the new accommodation.
Yours faithfully,
Subhash.


Task2-
Some people believe that only pupils of similar interest should be given admissions in school. Others are of the opinion that school should be open to all children with varied interests. How far you agree or disagree with above views. Give your opinion in not less than 250 words.


“Schools are temples and teachers are God”. This is taught to most of the students from their first day in school. In ancient times in India, education was only for higher class of people but as time passed, the rules have changed and now it’s right of every human being without any discrimination on the basis of caste, creed or sex. I believe, like doors of the temple which is open for all, school should be open for all children with varied interests.
I feel with varied interests, students can teach each other. They can learn how to accept other’s talents and respect each other for the same. The social circle of students increases with variety of knowledge which these students can share among themselves. We should encourage students to build interest in different areas.
If a student is surrounded by different ideas, it will be easy for him to learn and excel in most of the fields. Moreover, students with same ideology restrict themselves and they will follow each other just to show how superior one is. This results in jealousy and unworthy friend circle. On the other hand, pupils with varied interest makes strong bonding as they help each other in different prospects. It is the need of every developing country that the youth must be all-rounder so that the country can excel in every field (from sports to research and inventions).
In conclusion, I would like to say that education and knowledge in every area is more worthy if it is shared. A circle of students with diversity in thoughts are more knowledgeable than the ones who bound themselves with similar ideas.
Hi friend,

Instead of opening a new thread, why don't you post your writing there in below threads. Also, there is abundant of useful information for you to help you achieve your dreams in IELTS. Besides,there are some qualified IELTS examiners as well (ha ha ha) to evaluate your essay/letter at free of cost. (lol).

http://www.expatforum.com/expats/au...ts-getting-band-8-writing-67.html#post1905162

http://www.expatforum.com/expats/au...ing-australia/164488-rate-my-ielts-essay.html

http://www.expatforum.com/expats/au...633-ielts-prepartion-exam-oct-nov-2013-a.html

http://www.expatforum.com/expats/au...ats-living-australia/185586-ielts-7-band.html

http://www.expatforum.com/expats/au...ts-living-australia/218882-rate-my-essay.html

http://www.expatforum.com/expats/au...ving-australia/181025-please-check-essay.html

I hope the above links will of great help you.

All the best for your exam.

Sathiya
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,949 Posts
Hi All

Can anyone validate my writing and suggest in which area i need improvement.I am going for IELTS exam next week.This will be of great help.

Task1-
You are a university student who are living in an accommodation at the campus. One day you find something wrong with your accommodation. So write a letter to house officer to tell him what happened, the reason you think and what you decide to do and whether you are right.

Dear Sir,
I am writing this to inform you about the water leakage problem with my accommodation.
My name is Subhash Kumar. I am a student in your university (Roll Number: 34565). I am residing in accommodation provided at campus since January, 2013. As you know, weather has changed recently and there is frequent rainfall now a days. Last time when it rained, my accommodation was completely converted into a mess. My bedding got wet as the water came from the broken glass pane and the ceiling was also leaking. I could not find any place to sleep that night so I had to go to my friend’s home. Moreover, due to wet bedding and furniture, the room has started stinking badly. It is very difficult to continue to stay in this accommodation.
I request you to provide reimbursement of the fees which I have paid for this accommodation. I am planning to get new accommodation outside the university campus so that it will be easier for me to commute to the company where I have recently joined in for training for 6 months. I will be obliged if I can get the fees as soon as possible as it will help me to pay advance security charges for the new accommodation.
Yours faithfully,
Subhash.

Hi subhash,

firstly, don't repeat same keyword again and again. for instance, instead of repeating accommodation, use, room, residence, house, living room, apartment, flat, hostel, housing etc. to show your lexical resources for making positive impress.

Secondly, don't use simple sentences although out the letter/essay. Go for variety of sentence structures such as complex, and compound. for example, write "i am subhash kumar, a student in your university.

I guess, your letter although has good structure, it needs fine tuning and especially, in lexical resources and cohesion.

Try to use varied sentences and words. I guess, 6.5-7 bands can be awarded to your letter.

All the best

Sathiya
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
Top