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LET'S HAVE SOME JOKES ...i just started the thread ,will be fun to get up in the morning open the expat forum and have a good time:clap2::clap2::clap2:i'm in enough trouble already:D:D:D
 

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Hi All

Here goes first one nicked from Mrf from somewhere on my travels.

Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope........just when it's raining.

Peterfc
 

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LET'S HAVE SOME JOKES ...i just started the thread ,will be fun to get up in the morning open the expat forum and have a good time:clap2::clap2::clap2:i'm in enough trouble already:D:D:D
From Shemarch

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
 

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Q. Two outlaws robbed a bank. They decided to bury the money they stole. If it took two outlaws five days to dig a hole, how many days would it take them to dig half a hole?


A. None. You can't dig half a hole.
 

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Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'

She says, 'A hundred dollars'.

He says, 'Sh*t. All I've got is thirty'.

She says, 'Hold on.'

She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says, 'Okay'.

She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'
 

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George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get some good PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

“Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for break.

George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right, it’s question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"
 

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George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get some good PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

“Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for break.

George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right, it’s question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"
Hi, found this absolutely hilarious! man with his thingy stuck in a pipe in Hampshire!

Man with genitals in pipe cut free -  MSN News - MSN UK
 

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One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Thank you, I'm here all day!!
 

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A guy is talking to his friend about credit cards.
"I had mine stolen two months ago." says one.
"Stolen? Oh God, how terrible!" says his concerned friend, "Have you told the police?"
"Nope."
"Why for heaven's sake?" says his friend agahast
"Well," the other guy says," my last two statements show me he's spending less than my wife did!"


Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."



Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
 

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
 

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:D


Talking about holes ! Did you hear the one about the magician who couldn't pull a rabbit out of his hat ? :(

So, he dropped his trousers and instead pulled a hare out of his hole ! :D
 

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A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car
salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh; enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to
the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he
floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 240Kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on
earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to
catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of
the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I am taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a
reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the police officer, and replied, "Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her
back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the police officer.
 

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Divorce

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.


When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time
the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was,
he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....

... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
 

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:)


Fr.O Brien lived next door to a nuns convent and every Saturday night it was part of sister Mary's (an old haggard nun) duties to go around to Fr.O.Briens house and to scrub his back when he was in the bath. But the old haggard nun has to go to Rome to see the pope and she now tells Sr.Philomena (a pretty young nun, to go and scrub Fr.O.Briens back every Saturday night until she returns.

So Saturday night arrives and sister Philomena begins to scrub Fr.O.Briens back, but he becomes aroused and his member begins to rise up out of the bath water.

Sr.Philomena : What's that Fr.O.Brien ?
Fr.O.Brien: That's the key of heaven Sr.Philomena and sure you have the lock between your legs so if I just put my key into your lock sure we will both be in paradise. So he did and they were.
Old haggard nun returns : Well Sr.Philomena, how did you get on with Fr.O.Brien and did you remember to go and scrub his back on Saturday nights.
Sr. Philomena: We got on very well and he showed me the key of heaven and he told me that I had the lock between my legs and that if he put his key into my lock that we would both be in paradise. So he did Sr.Mary and we were both in paradise and it was wonderful.
Sr.Mary: Well that is not what he told me. He told me it was the angel Gabriels horn and he had me a suckin and a blowin on it ?

:confused2:
 

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At a funeral heart shapes coffin was made for cardiologist,
a doctor attending the funeral started laughing,
when asked why he is laughing ??
He said
I am thinking of my funeral
I am a Gyanecologist !!!!!!!!!
 

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Diary of an Englishman in Scotland

"Our First Winter"

DEC 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen
for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees
and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as
far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush
covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time
ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that
day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back
and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with
coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a
couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined
in their fun.

DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped
toaround minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.


JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became
ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our
cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.


JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had
another 8 inches of white s**te last night. Both vehicles are covered in
salt and iced up slush That f*****g snowplough came by twice today.
Where's that bloody shovel.


JAN 9th
More f******g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been
damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to
death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd
degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a f******g
deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.


JAN 13th
F******g b******d white s**te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on
every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c**ts
next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that
carrot so far up the little b*****d's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours
to find it. If I ever catch the c**t that drives the snowplough I'll chew
open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b*****d
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he
accelerates down the street like Michael Schu****ingmacher and buries the
f***ing driveway again.


JAN 17th
Sixteen more f******g inches of f ****ing snow and f ****ing ice and f****ing
sleet and god knows what other white s***e fell last night. I am in court
in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick.
Can' t move my f******g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.
Minus 20 and more f******g snow forecast.


JAN 18th
F***K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

Hope i have hidden all the swear words!
 

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A pretty young school teacher is teaching a class full of small boys.

Teacher: I have a question for the class. There are four crows sitting on a wall
and the farmer comes out with his gun and shoots one. How many
crows were left ?

A small boy starts to wave his hand and jump about excitably, miss,
miss.

Teacher: Go ahead Paddy and tell the class.

Paddy: There are no crows left miss.

Teacher: No crows left ?

Paddy: Yes teacher. When the farmer shot one of the crows, the noise from
his gun frightened the other crows away.

Teacher: That is a very good answer Paddy, it is not the answer that I
wanted but I like the way that you are thinking.

Paddy: Can I ask you a question miss ?

Teacher: Certainly Paddy.

Paddy : There are three women sitting on a wall miss and they each have a
lollipop. One is kissing her lollipop, one is sucking her lollipop and
one is licking her lollipop. Which one is married ?

Teacher: After a long pause. The one sucking the lollipop Paddy.

Paddy: No miss, the one with the wedding ring but I like the way that your
thinking.

:eyebrows:
 
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