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Hi everyone,

This is my first post and I'm writing because I don't have anyone to talk to about this but it's been eating me up for 2.5 years now. My story is this:

My partner and I have been together for nearly 11 years. He lived in the UK when we met, I lived in the US, and I moved to the UK to be with him. Two years later, he agreed to moving to my hometown, Toronto, with me and off we went. We lived there for nearly 7 years. I was offered a job in Ireland and we packed up everything - sold our life's possessions - to relocate to Ireland. The job turned into a nightmare and didn't last. By that time, he had a new job and refused to move back to Toronto with me. We lived in a tiny town with no friends or family and he began saying he never wanted to move again, so I actually didn't know if I would be stuck in there, desperately lonely and afraid, forever. I couldn't find any work there at all, it was the most isolating and depressing experience of my life. On top of that, my depression and our combined stress meant we had terrible arguments and I had no one to turn to.

Eventually he decided he did want to leave Ireland and return to the UK, to be closer to his family. So a year and a half later, he found a job in the SE of England and we're here now since May 2013. We own a house, he has a very good job, and I'm still unemployed, feeling frozen and confused about what to do. We brought our dog and two cats with us all the way from Toronto and the only good thing about where we live is that they have a garden to enjoy. But I'm unhappy.

I felt/feel deeply resentful about giving up my life in Toronto to move to Ireland, only for it to turn out so horribly wrong (the organization turned out to be corrupt). At the time, I knew that it was imperative for my healing to return to Canada but he (my partner) wouldn't budge on his stance. I've told myself over and over to give it time, to keep trying, but 2.5 years later I'm still sad on a daily basis. I wake up depressed with a cloud over me, I cry almost everyday, my looks have changed, my personality has changed, the joie de vivre I used to feel has disappeared, I don't see much point in anything anymore. I know how dire this sounds but it's the truth. I miss my friends, I miss my lifestyle, I miss going everywhere on foot, I miss the food, I miss all the events I used to go to. In all honesty, I didn't have any super close friends in Toronto, but I had some good ones at least, and they don't keep in touch with me since I've moved, though I've tried (you learn who your friends are when you move away!). I don't have much in terms of family as I come from a broken home, but I do have my mother in Canada who is not in good health. So in terms of a support network, I have a weak one there at best, but there are people there that I can go out and have a good time with, to just enjoy life.

His family is here but they're a bit of an odd bunch, not very warm or close and can be very exclusive. I've soothed myself by telling myself over and over that we're here so that our children (when we have them) will have some extended family, but to be honest I don't see us becoming a very close bunch at all. His parents are lovely, but his siblings are some of the strangest people I've ever met in my life, and I'm a fairly easygoing person who gets along with everyone; they haven't welcomed me here at all. I have made a lot of effort with no gain. I view his family as my family, in theory, but it's clear they do not feel the same.

The other side of this is that he knows I'm depressed and homesick and hasn't suggested we go back. In arguments, he has told me I can pack up and go myself but he wouldn't join, though I'm sure it was said in anger. He is my best friend, my family, and I cherish him. But I now resent him because I feel trapped and unhappy here. My dream would be for my guy to say, Honey, I can't bear seeing you so sad for so long and I would do anything for you to be happy so let's go back. But that hasn't happened.

He does NOT have any close friends here. In fact, he has very little social life at all. He has been to some work events with colleagues, but doesn't see them outside of work and I haven't met any of them. He has seen his brothers and his brother's friends a couple of times, but they don't speak otherwise. I have probed him time and again about socializing and he doesn't seem to see any issue with this. He is also not close to his family, we see them occasionally (Christmas plus a couple of visits here and there) but they don't have what I was perceive as a close, warm bond. In fact, he seems very standoffish with all of them, including his sister. I have tried to encourage him and his sister to re-bond but they barely speak at all when we spend time together, and other than that are not in touch. All of this is just to explain that there does not seem to be any real tight bonds that make it necessary for him to be here. Yes, he has a good job, but he had a good job in Toronto too and in his field of work it would not be difficult for him to find something again. I simply don't understand his rigidness about staying here. He says that he likes it here, prefers the sense of humour and the people, and yet his life is so tied to me (we're best friends and do almost everything together) that it doesn't seem like he takes advantage of life here much at all, not to the degree that he would be madly in love with the UK. He doesn't do anything different here than what we did in Toronto. In fact, he does less. We have a car and a house here, yes, so that's a major difference. But still I was so much happier over there, car-less and renting. The degree to which he says it's better here doesn't seem to match the reality of his/our life. In other words, he almost seems delusional about it and I wonder if he only feels that way because he's too afraid of moving again. In truth, a lot of the time he reminisces about Toronto with me.

Saying all of this, he didn't want to leave Toronto either and always told me he was happy there. The truth is that I don't think he cares much about where he lives, he just doesn't like the process of relocating. But with me being so unhappy, that shouldn't matter.

The way I feel now, I do not want to start a family as I'm not in a good place emotionally; I have one leg here and the other in Toronto. I don't have many work options at the moment and ideally would like to go back to university or college to open things up for me, but that's almost impossible here due to international student fees. So I feel truly stuck.

Even if I did manage to convince him to move back to Toronto, I would need to find a guarantor to be able to rent a place due to having a poor credit score when we left, plus now being away for 2.5 years. I could ask some friends but I'm not sure if anyone would be willing.

It all seems so impossible.

It's okay where I live but the UK in general just doesn't feel right to me. I miss cottage country, the snow, the hot summers, Lake Ontario, all the events and concerts in Toronto, walking everywhere, the subway. I just miss my mother land, I guess.

Does anyone else feel this way and, if so, what did you or will you do?
I don't know what position we would be in having recently bought our own home, or how that works exactly.
What would you do in my situation?
Any advice or thoughts in general?
How can I convince him to move back with me?
Or should I stick it out here a while longer?
I'm desperate.

Thanks in advance.
 

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First of all, sorry to hear that.

Second, you need to sit him down and have a good long talk (not a fight if possible) about how you are feeling and how miserable you are. If he refuses to move back to Canada then you have a decision to make - stay there with him or end the relationship and move back to Toronto.

Perhaps finding a job might help you as it will keep you occupied?

Are there no community groups you could socialize with? Say something revolving around one of your interests?

Did you go to university here? If so, your university likely has an alumni group in Britain so perhaps you could contact them and participate in that group as a way to connect with fellow Canucks?

If it matters at all, my Mum says she gets homesick for Scotland once in a while but that it quickly passes. She has been in Canada for almost forty years now so, while the homesickness never fully leaves you, it does become much easier to deal with as time passes.

And if it helps at all, just think of how crappy the weather is in Toronto during January and February especially last winter as it was one of the worst, if not the worst, that we have had since records were first kept. Seriously, it was freakin' terrible! If that doesn't cure your homesickness, nothing will!
 

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Sorry to hear about your plight.

I agree with colchar. You need to make a decision one way or the other. You say you miss your friends in Toronto but were not all that close to them. In essence, you miss the feeling of living in Toronto but also feel that your husband is not sensitive to your needs. This last point may be the larger issue.

I think you need to meet some people so you have good social interaction. Maybe you could do some volunteer work or join some social groups with people of similar interests. Perhaps you should see a counselor to help you better understand your needs and ways that you can get them resolved.

I don't know all the circumstances but you say that your husband followed you to Toronto and then to Ireland. So, it looks like he has been sensitive to your desires in the past. Maybe he is worried that if you move back to Toronto he will be the one without a job and with nothing to do.

I hope you can find a resolution to this issue that will satisfy both of you.
 
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