Expat Forum For People Moving Overseas And Living Abroad banner

1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
734 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind giving gifts but I am wondering how that one thing came about with them? When a person goes to visit a filipino family we are expected to bring gifts for everybody. How did that ever come about I wonder? It can get costly if you visit a lot of people. In my country (usa) when we visit someone they are just happy to see us.

art
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
134 Posts
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind giving gifts but I am wondering how that one thing came about with them? When a person goes to visit a filipino family we are expected to bring gifts for everybody. How did that ever come about I wonder? It can get costly if you visit a lot of people. In my country (usa) when we visit someone they are just happy to see us.

art
That's not a hard and fast rule. I visit quite a few families and rarely bring gifts. The only exception to that is when we visit her parents, then we bring gifts. Also if we are invited to a party we bring a gift for the host. I have yet had any visitors to our home bring gifts when they come over.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
734 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hey Ram1957

I been coming to the Philippines for 12 years now. I was married to a filipino. Every time we were going to visit her family she would tell me we need to bring something because they expect us to. I understand going to a party and a gathering to bring something like food. Also the first time I ever came to the Philippines I was told I need to bring gifts for them. So I assumed that was the way they expected it.

4 years ago I came there to see my GF. Her brother and his GF ask if I wanted to go to the movies. I told them sure I could go. We had to travel from Tagum to Davao. We met them at the theater in Davao and my GF and I got in line to get our tickets. Her brother and GF stood over by the wall. I said aren't they going to come over and get their tickets. She said I was suppose to buy the tickets for them. I said why am I suppose to by the tickets when they ask me if I wanted to go to the movies. My GF said I needed to by them. So I bought 4 movie tickets. I have never heard of that happening in my country. That to me was completely wrong of them to expect me to buy tickets without even asking me if i could.

art
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
134 Posts
I said aren't they going to come over and get their tickets. She said I was suppose to buy the tickets for them. I said why am I suppose to by the tickets when they ask me if I wanted to go to the movies. My GF said I needed to by them. So I bought 4 movie tickets. I have never heard of that happening in my country. That to me was completely wrong of them to expect me to buy tickets without even asking me if i could.

art
Well I'm a old timer when it comes to the Philippines. First trip was in 1977 and spent 3 years at Clark. Have been around filipinos here and the US since then. They will pull the wool over your eyes if they can. You are correct they used you for their gain. Current wife was a OFW when I met her and she has seen it first hand on how her own people will attempt to take advantage of the situation. Current family members know we don't play that game. Never has been a custom and never will be. Like everywhere in the world if someone can take advantage of the situation they will.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,366 Posts
I just spent about half an hour on this sore point and had a long rant written up about this subject, but then the old saying "some things are better left unsaid" came to mind so it was deleted. As has been mentioned, they will take advantage if they can. Keep in mind this one fact - The giver has to set the limit as the taker won't. This can pertain to multiple situations we may be subject to.

Fred
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
280 Posts
I never bring gifts. That's BS. My GF knows better than to let her family nickel and dime me. It just never happens. I must be really lucky in this regard. But I do gladly help out on the big things, like when someone needs serious medical care, they lose a corn crop, or for funeral expenses, etc. You can save someones life here for 500 or 1000 dollars - why wouldn't I do that? The biggest problem has been them *not* asking when someone seriously needs help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,263 Posts
On my first trip to meet the then gf we invited a cousin and her husband to a meal in a restaurant in Cebu. The cousin brought a friend with kids. The meal by my standards was very cheap even for the eight of us .What got me was no asking just turned up , the gf was to embarrassed to say anything as is with filipinos. They then started ordering extra dishes which turned out to be take outs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
734 Posts
Hey Gary D

I had the same thing that happened to me. My GF and I was meeting 2 people for dinner at an expensive restaurant. When they showed up they had 4 others with them. They all just sat down at the table. Everyone of them ordered appetizers and then ordered the most expensive item on the menu. I had to pay for all of this. The whole bill came to about $114.

As they grow up aren't they taught about manners? Doing something like that is never heard of in the states. We are taught better then that.

Do they know better or just take advantage of the situation?

Art
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,366 Posts
It is an annoying (to me) habit that they seem to have about inviting extra friends & relatives whenever they can. As I mentioned before, the giver has to set the limits as the taker won't. One has to set their foot down firmly in order to stop a lot of what goes on. I refuse to pay for someone I did not invite and will not attend some function where I am charged what seems to be out of line or it seems there are some "free rides" allowed to some. I am no longer thought of as 'the Kano with the deep pockets'. Some of the locals & relatives seem to have the thought of 'what can I get out of him' and this does not fly in my book. Have finally got the Asawa's grown children to start acting like adults both emotionally and financially. It's a long,hard pull but if not done they will be sucking on you till you die.

Fred
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,710 Posts
It is an annoying (to me) habit that they seem to have about inviting extra friends & relatives whenever they can. As I mentioned before, the giver has to set the limits as the taker won't. One has to set their foot down firmly in order to stop a lot of what goes on. I refuse to pay for someone I did not invite and will not attend some function where I am charged what seems to be out of line or it seems there are some "free rides" allowed to some. I am no longer thought of as 'the Kano with the deep pockets'. Some of the locals & relatives seem to have the thought of 'what can I get out of him' and this does not fly in my book. Have finally got the Asawa's grown children to start acting like adults both emotionally and financially. It's a long,hard pull but if not done they will be sucking on you till you die.

Fred
Hey Fred, agree, I set the boundaries from the beginning with the better half, while yes we do help as mentioned in other posts with family needs once a year or an uncles funeral little else is contributed. When Benjie moved to Oz 4 years ago his family (direct, aunties, cousins and friends computer) died, I suggested he leave his laptop there and we buy a new one when he arrives here, for personal use, great Idea as we can still communicate and we both agreed. 4 years on and that laptop died and we were asked to supply another. My suggestion to my better half was that all that use the "family laptop" contribute to greater and lesser degrees to replace it. Why should we? Lead a horse to water etc."
4 months on no laptop for the family and we are not budging and while Bengie agrees with this philosophy I can see he is not happy with the different doctrines but after 4 years in a western culture where his wages support basic needs and little else the excess funds can't and will not support frivolities of family members over and above what we already furnish.

What's the old saying? "Get off your derriere and achieve"? The dinner thing happens to us also but only on invite and no extras turn up.

Cheers, Steve.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,263 Posts
They get away with it because of the whole face thing. The second time we got caught and the wife wasn't happy this time was we were visiting Dumaguete and her batchmates invited us to a meal at a seafood restaurant by along from the port. , about 10-12 turned up and we as invited guests ended up picking up the bill. Again to say something would lose face.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
734 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Hey guys,

Something I haven't figured out yet. Are they taught manners when they are growing up or they don't know better then to take advantage of the situation? Do they really know it is not considerate to bring people with them and expect the foreigner to pay for everything?

I have had that happen to me about 10 times. Once my GF's family ask to come over and swim in the pool where I was staying. It cost me per person for them to come and swim at the hotel. I figured there were 6 coming. When they showed up there were 20. they brought cousins, friends and whoever they could find. Then to have the spa turned on it was an extra charge and I said no. Well one of them went up and had the clerk to turn it on. I had to pay for everything.

art
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,366 Posts
Sometimes one has to get pretty hardnosed about it. I don't know where the attitude comes from - whatever you have, I deserve to have it too - but it has to be shut down. Give an inch and it seems they will try to take a mile. After 5 years, I think I am starting to get my Asawa's adult children weaned from hanging on their mother's skirt. There is a bit of backsliding now & then but for the most part, it now seems they are finally trying to stand on their own. I am probably a bit spoiled by my kids. At the age of 18 they were not pushed out but were fully capable of going on their own. Then after I supported them through college, they went on their own and have never asked for any financial or emotional help. They are now in their late 50s and are independant and successful on their own merits.

Fred
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
126 Posts
Regarding Filipinos, they WILL take any advantage they could from a Kano.

I tend to be very nasty and I have no problems being called Kariput by anybody. Mainly coz if the other sides want to use me then I feel I have all the rights of just saying NO.

As for manners, do you think they care about having any or filling their stomaches and making this Kano idiot pay for it?

No is a very sweet word that I have no problems using!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,710 Posts
Regarding Filipinos, they WILL take any advantage they could from a Kano.

I tend to be very nasty and I have no problems being called Kariput by anybody. Mainly coz if the other sides want to use me then I feel I have all the rights of just saying NO.

As for manners, do you think they care about having any or filling their stomaches and making this Kano idiot pay for it?

No is a very sweet word that I have no problems using!
pronse, while I am sure many agree to greater and lesser degrees I personally feel that education from the outset wins the day. This starts with your partner no one else from day one. They need to understand western morals and norms and will only then realise what a budget is all about, honestly, most of us here are not super wealthy and looking forward to our retirement years on a limited income and hopefully some savings for a few nice things in life, I have worked hard for my retirement security and 100% refuse to let users and abusers take that from me/us. Share we do but like Filipinos what we can afford.

To date the computer saga from my post a couple of months ago on this forum, nothing has changed, we have not been asked again for a laptop as Bengie set the ground rules, no face to save within family and also no laptop. Surprise surprise every one is still happy and can't wait to see us in March but hoped we would be there for Christmas,,,,,,,,,, an expensive time I can assure all,,,,,,, don't do Christmas until we finally settle.

Cheers, Steve.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,710 Posts
They get away with it because of the whole face thing. The second time we got caught and the wife wasn't happy this time was we were visiting Dumaguete and her batchmates invited us to a meal at a seafood restaurant by along from the port. , about 10-12 turned up and we as invited guests ended up picking up the bill. Again to say something would lose face.
Hear you Gary and we do this annually but only family, some 12 immediate members who love it and the cost is a hundred and fifty odd Aussie bucks, our treat to direct family.
If invited to a function or dinner by others I always ask Bengie who is paying before deciding. Scrooge yes, wise yes. I too have been bitten by previous adventures shall we say and learnt.

Cheers, Steve.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
734 Posts
Hey pronse

I am not sure if they are just taking advantage of the situation or they don't know any better. i invited my GF's sister, brother and nephew to dinner at a restaurant. They showed up with 4 of their friends and expected me to pay for it. Then they even ordered appetizers. were they taking advantage of this or is this their custom? I haven't figured it out yet.
Here we all were sitting there. so what was i supposed to do?

art
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,007 Posts
Hey pronse

I am not sure if they are just taking advantage of the situation or they don't know any better. i invited my GF's sister, brother and nephew to dinner at a restaurant. They showed up with 4 of their friends and expected me to pay for it. Then they even ordered appetizers. were they taking advantage of this or is this their custom? I haven't figured it out yet.
Here we all were sitting there. so what was i supposed to do?

art
Art, I'll be the first one to in a most gentle way to Filipinos answer your question. No, I guess there is no gentle way.

Taking advantage of this or any other situation IS their custom here. Unfortunately there are many of us that get set up that way. I'm guessing they got you to pay the bill? If it had been me that happened to and if my wife was not there. I would at the end of the meal paid MY SHARE ONLY-got up and left the restaurant and let THEM figure out who is going to pay the bill.

Is that being rude" No-not in my book. If nothing else it would teach them that I will not be used or taken advantage of. It would also mean it would likely be the last time I would ever see or speak to any of them again; which would not break my heart in the least.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
I just came here for xmas and new year and i saver 6 grand.....we purchased 1000 usd worth of presents before we came and sent them balikbayan box to be here at xmas then brought 2 suitcase full of gifts..... Ugh!
When we get here my beloved wife then proceds to spend 1500 usd on ********!
Household goods, and more gifts, presents, food, and entertainment for her ENTIRE FAMILY!

I ADMIT IM JUST RANTING A BIT.....

Long story short we have a fight bcz i honestly had no vacation in 5 years and i thought this would be a good one BCZ i save plenty and in 3 weeks we only have 2xxx left and she is only givin 40/week for her family and she is forbidden to buy more gifts..... Like i only give her 2xxx pesos only.....

She loves her family, they are wonderful but i will be da*ned if i will spend the last few weeks flat <Snip> broke.....

My wife would have spent everything on her family of i give her access to it and be happy eating only rice, after all we already have tickets home.... Right?
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Top