[Dplo'12]

I'm Dee from PL. I'm just a newbie here so I still don't really know much on how to get through with some of my questions to get answered enough. But since I'm so desperate for some answers I'm going to give a go. I have lived in Fukushima City for almost 17 years, married and got 2 daughters but in 2007 I got divorced caused by a 3rd family interventions and was forced to leave my daughters to my Japanese husband. For that, my ex-husband got sicked and had become paralyzed. I went back to JP to the hope of reconciliation to be able to look after him and my daughters but again the husband of my sister-in-law strongly got hold in the house and even prevented my daughters to talk with me since my ex-husband couldn't speak and move. Does anyone knows this kind of situation, suggest me or any advice please?

 

[xabiaxica]

I'm Dee from PL. I'm just a newbie here so I still don't really know much on how to get through with some of my questions to get answered enough. But since I'm so desperate for some answers I'm going to give a go. I have lived in Fukushima City for almost 17 years, married and got 2 daughters but in 2007 I got divorced caused by a 3rd family interventions and was forced to leave my daughters to my Japanese husband. For that, my ex-husband got sicked and had become paralyzed. I went back to JP to the hope of reconciliation to be able to look after him and my daughters but again the husband of my sister-in-law strongly got hold in the house and even prevented my daughters to talk with me since my ex-husband couldn't speak and move. Does anyone knows this kind of situation, suggest me or any advice please?

I've moved your question to the 'Japan' forum - you are either in Japan or all this is happening there, yes?

 

[Rube]

In Japan once you get divorced it's very common for Japanese families to take the position that it's better to have no contact, especially if the children are young, so that they can move on with their life and forget you. So yeah, we've heard all kinds of horror stories and that's probably all you're going to hear at this site is stories that won't be very helpful. You need to get yourself a lawyer or call your embassy and ask them what to do.

 

[mmuk]

depends on what you want...

Hello - sorry to hear about your ex and I can see why you want to go & help them out in this difficult time.

There are few things I am not sure so I do not think I can give you any specific advice -- but there are the things you might want to think about.

1 I am not sure when your ex had medical issue (I guess he had a stroke or something?) -- if it happened in last 6 months, it is best to give them a time to adjust. Anyone losing some physical ability or family member trying to adjust a new life style, it is awful lot on the plate for them -- they are trying to cope first and last thing they want is another additional 'change' -- all you can do is make sure that they know that you are 'serious about helping them' -- but best not to push them.

2 I do not know how old your daughters are -- but if they are old enough to be able to use PC, then they will find you if they need you. Have you set up facebook, twitter or any form of social network wih your full name? Make sure that here is the way they can find you -- your sis-in-law can not stop them contacting you although she may stop you contacting them.

3 If your children are too young to be able to find you on internet, then you might want to 'wait' until your sis-in-law gets tired. Looking after disabled adult and looking after 2 young children requires a lot of physical, mental and psychological energy. they might be able to survive for first 6 months, 12 months, but after a year or two, they WILL start getting tired and exhausted. What you can do is to carry on sending your sis-in-law a message --- saying how much you appreciate what she does to YOUR family --- your ex & daughters. You will be nice and pleasant all the way - very consistently without failure. One day, she will crack - she will let you back in to the family again. but this will be a long term battle if you are not prepared to be very patient, it will not work.

4 It has been nearly 5 years since you broke up with your ex - so you can not expect to be back into their life straight away. However if you are prepared to make a commitment, it will eventually happen. If you are not prepared to be patient, then like other person said, move on with your life.

Whichever the decision you make whatever you do, wishing you the best and hope everything will work out for you and your ex & children.

 

[Dplo'12]

Thanks

I've moved your question to the 'Japan' forum - you are either in Japan or all this is happening there, yes?

Yes, this has been happening in Japan and this is the reason why I still kept going there despite the long way flight and expensive travel.

 

[Dplo'12]

Japanese Attorney

In Japan once you get divorced it's very common for Japanese families to take the position that it's better to have no contact, especially if the children are young, so that they can move on with their life and forget you. So yeah, we've heard all kinds of horror stories and that's probably all you're going to hear at this site is stories that won't be very helpful. You need to get yourself a lawyer or call your embassy and ask them what to do.

I've known this stubborn system about child custody in Japan even before and I thought I could apply it to my case. My daughters were 14 and 16 years old at that time. But in spite of having an attorney, the more it went worse since the husband of my sister-in-law denied my claims and he even wrote a letter to my attorney threatening to not to send him any letter to his family and especially not to call to him for he doesn't know anything about it. It sounds ridiculous though, but I was forced to stop the pursuit by my attorney despite paying 50,000 yen for the 1st step he did and decided to come back to Poland humiliated and stressed.

 

[Dplo'12]

Your concern is appreciated!

Hello - sorry to hear about your ex and I can see why you want to go & help them out in this difficult time.

There are few things I am not sure so I do not think I can give you any specific advice -- but there are the things you might want to think about.

1 I am not sure when your ex had medical issue (I guess he had a stroke or something?) -- if it happened in last 6 months, it is best to give them a time to adjust. Anyone losing some physical ability or family member trying to adjust a new life style, it is awful lot on the plate for them -- they are trying to cope first and last thing they want is another additional 'change' -- all you can do is make sure that they know that you are 'serious about helping them' -- but best not to push them.

2 I do not know how old your daughters are -- but if they are old enough to be able to use PC, then they will find you if they need you. Have you set up facebook, twitter or any form of social network wih your full name? Make sure that here is the way they can find you -- your sis-in-law can not stop them contacting you although she may stop you contacting them.

3 If your children are too young to be able to find you on internet, then you might want to 'wait' until your sis-in-law gets tired. Looking after disabled adult and looking after 2 young children requires a lot of physical, mental and psychological energy. they might be able to survive for first 6 months, 12 months, but after a year or two, they WILL start getting tired and exhausted. What you can do is to carry on sending your sis-in-law a message --- saying how much you appreciate what she does to YOUR family --- your ex & daughters. You will be nice and pleasant all the way - very consistently without failure. One day, she will crack - she will let you back in to the family again. but this will be a long term battle if you are not prepared to be very patient, it will not work.

4 It has been nearly 5 years since you broke up with your ex - so you can not expect to be back into their life straight away. However if you are prepared to make a commitment, it will eventually happen. If you are not prepared to be patient, then like other person said, move on with your life.

Whichever the decision you make whatever you do, wishing you the best and hope everything will work out for you and your ex & children.

Thanks very much for the bother... let me give you some brief replies to make it clear...

My ex-husband had a stroke - he had an operation at the back of his head cause by a burst pipeline and it happened in 2007 just 6 months after we divorced. It was already 2008 of September when I was finally able to visit him in the hospital after my long and difficult negotiations with my SIL's husband who were trying to block me from visiting my sick ex-husband. It was so devastating for me seeing him in a wheelchair crying. I hugged him and promised to come back to take good care of him but my SIL's husband intervened by saying that if I find job he'll let us marry again. He then led me out and said that he's going to pay me if I'm willing to work for him. Ridiculed I went out scared and wordless.

They just 14 and 16 at that time. The youngest, had most likely to get sick when she knew impossibility for me to come back. She wanted to run away and stay with me since I already got a job in another city. She's the one who did everything just to be able to get-in-touch with me up in the through her bog. That was an excellent idea I thought but not until her uncle discovered. He continually brained-washed my eldest daughter saying things against me and this created trouble between my daughters. My sis-in-law can not stop them contacting me but to avoid deteriorating my daughters relationship to each other, I gave up and followed my attorney's advise to get away and come back when my ex-husband dies.

Yeah, it's been 5 years now. The last March 11, 2011's disaster and the Daichi Nuclear Plant in Fukushima should have had given me the chance to get my daughters to just even stay away from the crippled FDNP but again my in-laws got strong control over the situation.

 

[larabell]

I went through something similar about 10 years ago, though not nearly as complex. What I was told then is that joint custody doesn't exist in Japan. Once your divorce was final and your ex- was handed custody of the children, you're basically no longer part of the family. You can try to gain custody by force but I'm guessing you'd have about as good a chance as I might if I tried. I'd say your best bet is to be patient and show by your actions that you're willing to do what you can for the kids and not make trouble for your ex-'s family. That way they may eventually see that it's in the best interest of the children to allow contact. But if you try to force the issue, they may deny contact out of spite and, given the backward way the family courts work here, they're likely to win.

You really should talk to an attorney, though, if for no other reason than to weigh your options. Initial consultation fees here are standardized, based on the type of case, and fairly inexpensive compared to some other countries. You might also ask at your local ku-yakusho whether there are free legal consultations in English. I believe Nakano-ku offers something similar as a service to their foreign residents but I don't know how widespread that is or whether they're set-up to deal with family matters.

 

[Dplo'12]

Attorney's advise

I went through something similar about 10 years ago, though not nearly as complex. What I was told then is that joint custody doesn't exist in Japan. Once your divorce was final and your ex- was handed custody of the children, you're basically no longer part of the family. You can try to gain custody by force but I'm guessing you'd have about as good a chance as I might if I tried. I'd say your best bet is to be patient and show by your actions that you're willing to do what you can for the kids and not make trouble for your ex-'s family. That way they may eventually see that it's in the best interest of the children to allow contact. But if you try to force the issue, they may deny contact out of spite and, given the backward way the family courts work here, they're likely to win.

You really should talk to an attorney, though, if for no other reason than to weigh your options. Initial consultation fees here are standardized, based on the type of case, and fairly inexpensive compared to some other countries. You might also ask at your local ku-yakusho whether there are free legal consultations in English. I believe Nakano-ku offers something similar as a service to their foreign residents but I don't know how widespread that is or whether they're set-up to deal with family matters.

After all what I had gone through, I followed my attorney's advise from the local office in Koriyama-shi. I came back to PL in 2009, devastated but despite the detriment I had I never gave up. I remarried with a Polish national who had been following me since my tremendous adversity and for this I remained in PL and started to face the new reality with my present husband who I say has an extreme view against the future but even so, I have no choice but to face another adversity and continue to work earning enough money for my comeback to JP. The last March 11, 2011's disaster and the Daichi Nuclear Plant in Fukushima should have had given me the chance to get my daughters to just even stay away from the crippled DNP but again my in-laws got strong control over the situation.

It's been two days after the disaster that I was able to contact my youngest daughter who gave me the message to calm down as they were safe but until now I'm not completely convinced knowing that my daughters and ex-in laws are just 60 kilometers away from crippled DNP yet with my ex-husband is still in the disabled/rehabilitation center in the same place. My youngest is now in the 3rd junior high school. She planned to go to Sendai city for her senior to avoid her uncle's spying and stopping her from getting-in-touch with me for the preparation of my visit to JP next month this year. Until now I don't have contact with her and she's not responding my email which making me so much scared rather anxious thinking if I could see her during my visit. Would this create another problem? Or should I just go there and make the most I can to clear up my pension and do my renewal of my re-entry? I don't really know what's ahead and I'm not good enough to weigh things anymore after my phobia to my ex-in-laws but if anyone knows or predict the pros and cons of my short trip, suggest/advise please.