General Filipina Girlfriend Advice

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General Filipina Girlfriend Advice


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Old 21st December 2012, 06:23 AM
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Hi all,

This time last year I met a beautiful Filipina lady while visiting the Philippines as part of a round the world trip. We actually met in a shopping mall of all places...

After I left the Philippines we kept in touch via email and then when I got back to the UK in June we started skyping each other regularly. When I say regularly I mean like every day for like 8/9 hours a day (sometimes more)!

Anyway, I was fortunate to be offered a job in Malaysia and once I moved out there decided that it would be a good opportunity to meet up with her again so I arranged for her to fly to Singapore (with her sister as company, as she had not flown before and was nervous).

Despite me having provided a return ticket, a copy of the hotel booking and a letter confirming who I was and that I would take responsibility for her well being, Philippines immigration stopped her at the airport and would not let her take the flight. They told her that I was lying to her, planned to rape her, steal her passport and then sell her into prostitution.

Needless to say I was not particularly impressed by this description of me and my GF was also in a state of shock. So I cancelled my hotel reservations in Singapore and flew to meet her in the Phils instead - and had a great time. I have visited once a month since then (three times total) and have met her family (who are all really nice). I am visiting again in Jan and then in Feb also, when I hope that she can come back to Malaysia with me for a month to see how she likes it.

It turns out that I have to get a letter notarised/signed by the Philippines Embassy in KL (for a cost) to show to Philippines immigration when we leave the Philippines - to prove that I am not some kind of people trafficker!

If she does like living with me in Malaysia (I am worried about her being homesick and missing her family - and being bored when I am at work) then I will have to try and sort something more long term out in regards to the VISA. Initially I plan to go back and forth to the Phils (or Singapore, or Thailand) with her once a month so her 'social' visit visa is renewed.

Anyway, I am aware of some of the various pitfalls of getting involved with Filipino ladies - having heard various horror stories of fleeced men over the years (particularly in relation to the extended family) (and girls who already have Filipino boyfriends but knowingly get a foreign boyfriend to provide some extra income). However, I have also hear lots of heart warming love stories and by nature I tend to be a glass half full kind of person (some may call me naive).

I really love my lady and I am as sure as possible that the feeling is mutual. Her family have not asked for money at any stage - although I have helped in little ways i.e. buying a bike for a niece's birthday, taking them all out to dinner each time I have visited, bringing chocolate and small gifts when I arrive from Malaysia etc... and they seem perfectly happy with that (at least so far).

My main concerns relate to three things:

1) Age - she is 20 and I am 39. I know that I am actually quite young in some ways (compared to some of the fellas I have seen with Filipino girls when I have visited) and I am certainly young at heart - but I am concerned that she may not feel the same way about me when I am 50 and she is 30 or even when I am 60 and she is 40... She says it does not bother her and that she actually prefers an 'older' guy because it means that I am more likely to stay faithful to her and not 'play' as she put it. Are Filipinas happy to stick with an older chap if they treat them nicely?

2) Education / Culture - My GF speaks very good English but did not finish High School (mainly because she started working to make some extra money for her family)... I on the other hand am a graduate. From my perspective this does not bother me now because we get on so well and I can tell that she is naturally very bright (and extremely perceptive). Once things have settled down a bit I may see if I can help her to restart her studies. Culturally we just seem to fit. I like pretty much the same movies, music and humour that she does - with the exception that she has some pretty odd superstitions (has a real fear of 'ghosts' for instance and once asked me if I could bring her to see a unicorn)... I know in the UK the usual advice is that educational parity helps relationships prosper but is an education gap a big issue between partners in the Phils? And are there any weird cultural things I should be aware of? I am at least a Catholic too (albeit non practicing)...

3) Perceptions. I first visited Asia in 2007. I have some wealthy Asian friends in Hong Kong, Singapore and also in Manila. When I visited them and went out in the evenings I would often see older European/American guys with young good looking Asian girls - and my perception was that they all must have been 'paid' for. It was not something that I found that attractive, even if it was a huge and unfair (as I now know) generalization on my part. Now however I worry about what people will think of me and in their eyes my 'poor', 'uneducated' 20 year old girlfriend. On one hand I think I shouldn't really care as it shouldn't matter what other people think - it is what we feel for each other that is important. BUT on the other hand my job involves a lot of networking and socialising and it does worry me about how our relationship could potentially affect my career. Are other Asians less likely to want to do business with me because I have a young Asian GF? Is this something that I am only conscious of now because it is all very new to me - or is this something that is real and will have an effect as long as we are together?

Anyway, this post is long enough now. I welcome your questions, thoughts and suggestions.

Thanks


Last edited by ILoveAFilipina; 21st December 2012 at 06:26 AM.
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Old 21st December 2012, 09:26 AM
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I welcome your questions, thoughts and suggestions

Actually, you appear to have answered your own questions sufficiently well already in all sectors on a mixed culture, distant relationship.

I understand your hesitance in the age and educational gap, but these small issues should vanish with additional visits and further in-depth interpersonal communication.

Just you take it slowly.


Good luck!
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Old 21st December 2012, 11:37 AM
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Welcome to the forum!! Hopefully others will also be here to help you understand Filipinas and the Philippines in your pursuit of love. Here in the USA the American-Filipina couples display about the same type of age and educational differences. I am 5 years older than my wife, but for most the age difference is even greater. My wife's niece married an American 23 years older than her and they have two beautiful children. She is happy to be a stay at home mom, having worked 5 years as a domestic in Hong Kong. I have a 4 year degree while my wife finished high school in the Philippines, but her ability to speak English,Tagalog and Ilocano makes us a very good team. A few other couples we know the age difference is about 20 years and they last. The only failed marriage here was a 62 year old man married to a 23 year old Filipina, who immediately sought divorce once she gained permanent resident status.
You seem to understand the situation quite well, knowing it is best for you to understand rather than be understood. As for ghosts, you may want to read the thread here on beliefs and superstitions to give you an idea of what else you might encounter. Being a Catholic will help you understand the mindset of most. If you keep an open heart and open mind and take your time you should reach your destination. Good Luck!!
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Old 21st December 2012, 12:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ILoveAFilipina View Post
1) Age - she is 20 and I am 39. I know that I am actually quite young in some ways (compared to some of the fellas I have seen with Filipino girls when I have visited) and I am certainly young at heart - but I am concerned that she may not feel the same way about me when I am 50 and she is 30 or even when I am 60 and she is 40... She says it does not bother her and that she actually prefers an 'older' guy because it means that I am more likely to stay faithful to her and not 'play' as she put it. Are Filipinas happy to stick with an older chap if they treat them nicely?

2) Education / Culture - My GF speaks very good English but did not finish High School (mainly because she started working to make some extra money for her family)... I on the other hand am a graduate. From my perspective this does not bother me now because we get on so well and I can tell that she is naturally very bright (and extremely perceptive). Once things have settled down a bit I may see if I can help her to restart her studies. Culturally we just seem to fit. I like pretty much the same movies, music and humour that she does - with the exception that she has some pretty odd superstitions (has a real fear of 'ghosts' for instance and once asked me if I could bring her to see a unicorn)... I know in the UK the usual advice is that educational parity helps relationships prosper but is an education gap a big issue between partners in the Phils? And are there any weird cultural things I should be aware of? I am at least a Catholic too (albeit non practicing)...

3) Perceptions. I first visited Asia in 2007. I have some wealthy Asian friends in Hong Kong, Singapore and also in Manila. When I visited them and went out in the evenings I would often see older European/American guys with young good looking Asian girls - and my perception was that they all must have been 'paid' for. It was not something that I found that attractive, even if it was a huge and unfair (as I now know) generalization on my part. Now however I worry about what people will think of me and in their eyes my 'poor', 'uneducated' 20 year old girlfriend. On one hand I think I shouldn't really care as it shouldn't matter what other people think - it is what we feel for each other that is important. BUT on the other hand my job involves a lot of networking and socialising and it does worry me about how our relationship could potentially affect my career. Are other Asians less likely to want to do business with me because I have a young Asian GF? Is this something that I am only conscious of now because it is all very new to me - or is this something that is real and will have an effect as long as we are together?

Anyway, this post is long enough now. I welcome your questions, thoughts and suggestions.

Thanks
1. This is between you and her. If you both hit it off and you nurture the relationship then age won't matter. What she has told you is why there are so many younger women with older Expats. They view you as a stable partner and settled down. I have been with my girl for 10 years now (she is 29 and I am 48) and we are extremely comfortable with each other.

2. They key thing here is communication and trust. You have to get her to open up to you completely (and you the same). Lay out some ground rules and abide by them (make them mutually respectful). Do not let things stew EVER! Explain to her that between your language barriers (misinterpretations on both sides) and cultural barriers ( myths, superstitions) that there will be perceived issues and that if you don't talk them out you will slowly build a gap/barrier between you. You can work on the superstitions but I do not believe that you will ever get rid of all of them 100%. Mine still has some and I have been educating her in real vs mythical. Bottom line; if it isn't hurting anything why bother debunking it? If you ever make a promise to her you will have to complete it or you will lose ground with her. Never promise anything unless you can do it 100%. If you can't, say something like you will try or maybe (the Filipino way of saying no). Make some goals with her (include her in the prioritization). After you get a track record of making your common goals/promises you will have her trust along with her love. Prove to her that you are there for her and want to make her future brighter. And she will do the same. But you have to test each other in the beginning to truly understand each other. Learn what buttons push you and her. Get her to understand that life is better without bickering and drama (took me 4 years on the drama part). If she is one of those that has to be ahead of the Jones', my recommendation is to just start anew with another one. Women like that tend to never be happy with or appreciate what they have. They will always want more and have to be "better" than everyone else.

3. That perception is a common Westerner thought. The reality is who cares? I think most Asians would look at you sideways if you didn't have a younger girlfriend/wife. A lot of Asian cultures EXPECT you to have mistresses/or a younger woman in tow. A good english speaking uneducated woman does not mean that she will be looked down upon. Work on building her self esteem in helping her accomplish things (driving a vehicle, managing a budget, etc.) that help show her to be semi-independent and not a robot. Most filipinas with high self esteem are gregarious. If she is like that, instead of the mouse on your shoulder, you should have no perceptions of having "paid" for her company. If you carry yourself in a reliable, favorable fashion your companions will know that you are not the type that you perceived/stereotyped.

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Old 21st December 2012, 01:03 PM
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Thank you all for your feedback...

@MUG it is nice to know that these things really do work out...

@JON1 thanks for the words of wisdom. This especially was interesting to me:

Quote:
Never promise anything unless you can do it 100%. If you can't, say something like you will try or maybe (the Filipino way of saying no)
Funnily enough I generally do not make promises unless I feel that I can deliver on them. When we first started dating and I was unsure a few times about when I could visit I said a few times that 'I would try' to meet her on such and such a date and 'maybe on such and such a date'. When I did this she got quite upset and said 'Why just maybe, why just try' which confused me as I thought that it implied that I would be doing my best to do it but could not be 100% certain. The fact that you say these are Filipino words for 'no' actually makes things a bit clearer for me...

Quote:
Get her to understand that life is better without bickering and drama (took me 4 years on the drama part).
This also rings true - sometimes I get the impression she is trying to create drama just for drama's sake (i.e. why are you home so late - are you seeing another girl? Even though she really knows I am not)... I am getting quite used to it (and I am generally a pretty chilled due) although I have pushed back (metaphorically) a few times when it has been extremely ridiculous and I think she is already toning it down...

Quote:
If she is one of those that has to be ahead of the Jones', my recommendation is to just start anew with another one. Women like that tend to never be happy with or appreciate what they have. They will always want more and have to be "better" than everyone else.
Luckily she doesn't seem to be like that at all - in fact she complains about her friends who show off their things just to show off...

Quote:
Work on building her self esteem in helping her accomplish things (driving a vehicle, managing a budget, etc.) that help show her to be semi-independent and not a robot. Most filipinas with high self esteem are gregarious.
This is good advice - thank you... She is certainly gregarious when she is with me and her family and certainly does not seem to have any issue about showing her connection/affection for me in public (in the mall for example) - however I have noticed that she sometimes does go quiet when other people are around. I had already planned to help her to do some more studying (if she wants to) but will also consider those other things you suggest. I am not highly social myself but do have to 'network' as part of my job sometimes and would like her to feel comfortable in those situations...

Anyway - thanks again for all the suggestions everyone. I do adore her and I just hope that she enjoys Malaysia when she comes here and does not get too homesick or bored when I am at work!

Cheers
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Old 21st December 2012, 05:48 PM
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While GF is in Malaysia you may want to help her meet other local Filipinas, through a local Catholic church, if available. Skyp is another good investment to keep her connected to the Philippines, even if you have to buy the unit used in the Philippines, it is better than international calling in the long run.
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Old 21st December 2012, 08:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ILoveAFilipina
Hi all,

This time last year I met a beautiful Filipina lady while visiting the Philippines as part of a round the world trip. We actually met in a shopping mall of all places...

After I left the Philippines we kept in touch via email and then when I got back to the UK in June we started skyping each other regularly. When I say regularly I mean like every day for like 8/9 hours a day (sometimes more)!

Anyway, I was fortunate to be offered a job in Malaysia and once I moved out there decided that it would be a good opportunity to meet up with her again so I arranged for her to fly to Singapore (with her sister as company, as she had not flown before and was nervous).

Despite me having provided a return ticket, a copy of the hotel booking and a letter confirming who I was and that I would take responsibility for her well being, Philippines immigration stopped her at the airport and would not let her take the flight. They told her that I was lying to her, planned to rape her, steal her passport and then sell her into prostitution.

Needless to say I was not particularly impressed by this description of me and my GF was also in a state of shock. So I cancelled my hotel reservations in Singapore and flew to meet her in the Phils instead - and had a great time. I have visited once a month since then (three times total) and have met her family (who are all really nice). I am visiting again in Jan and then in Feb also, when I hope that she can come back to Malaysia with me for a month to see how she likes it.

It turns out that I have to get a letter notarised/signed by the Philippines Embassy in KL (for a cost) to show to Philippines immigration when we leave the Philippines - to prove that I am not some kind of people trafficker!

If she does like living with me in Malaysia (I am worried about her being homesick and missing her family - and being bored when I am at work) then I will have to try and sort something more long term out in regards to the VISA. Initially I plan to go back and forth to the Phils (or Singapore, or Thailand) with her once a month so her 'social' visit visa is renewed.

Anyway, I am aware of some of the various pitfalls of getting involved with Filipino ladies - having heard various horror stories of fleeced men over the years (particularly in relation to the extended family) (and girls who already have Filipino boyfriends but knowingly get a foreign boyfriend to provide some extra income). However, I have also hear lots of heart warming love stories and by nature I tend to be a glass half full kind of person (some may call me naive).

I really love my lady and I am as sure as possible that the feeling is mutual. Her family have not asked for money at any stage - although I have helped in little ways i.e. buying a bike for a niece's birthday, taking them all out to dinner each time I have visited, bringing chocolate and small gifts when I arrive from Malaysia etc... and they seem perfectly happy with that (at least so far).

My main concerns relate to three things:

1) Age - she is 20 and I am 39. I know that I am actually quite young in some ways (compared to some of the fellas I have seen with Filipino girls when I have visited) and I am certainly young at heart - but I am concerned that she may not feel the same way about me when I am 50 and she is 30 or even when I am 60 and she is 40... She says it does not bother her and that she actually prefers an 'older' guy because it means that I am more likely to stay faithful to her and not 'play' as she put it. Are Filipinas happy to stick with an older chap if they treat them nicely?

2) Education / Culture - My GF speaks very good English but did not finish High School (mainly because she started working to make some extra money for her family)... I on the other hand am a graduate. From my perspective this does not bother me now because we get on so well and I can tell that she is naturally very bright (and extremely perceptive). Once things have settled down a bit I may see if I can help her to restart her studies. Culturally we just seem to fit. I like pretty much the same movies, music and humour that she does - with the exception that she has some pretty odd superstitions (has a real fear of 'ghosts' for instance and once asked me if I could bring her to see a unicorn)... I know in the UK the usual advice is that educational parity helps relationships prosper but is an education gap a big issue between partners in the Phils? And are there any weird cultural things I should be aware of? I am at least a Catholic too (albeit non practicing)...

3) Perceptions. I first visited Asia in 2007. I have some wealthy Asian friends in Hong Kong, Singapore and also in Manila. When I visited them and went out in the evenings I would often see older European/American guys with young good looking Asian girls - and my perception was that they all must have been 'paid' for. It was not something that I found that attractive, even if it was a huge and unfair (as I now know) generalization on my part. Now however I worry about what people will think of me and in their eyes my 'poor', 'uneducated' 20 year old girlfriend. On one hand I think I shouldn't really care as it shouldn't matter what other people think - it is what we feel for each other that is important. BUT on the other hand my job involves a lot of networking and socialising and it does worry me about how our relationship could potentially affect my career. Are other Asians less likely to want to do business with me because I have a young Asian GF? Is this something that I am only conscious of now because it is all very new to me - or is this something that is real and will have an effect as long as we are together?

Anyway, this post is long enough now. I welcome your questions, thoughts and suggestions.

Thanks
Keep your half glass full. What do you mean weird cultural thing? If you need some clarification on a cultural clash then you may message me. I will be happy to answers your concern as best as I can.

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Old 22nd December 2012, 07:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ILoveAFilipina View Post
Thank you all for your feedback...

@MUG it is nice to know that these things really do work out...

@JON1 thanks for the words of wisdom. This especially was interesting to me:



Funnily enough I generally do not make promises unless I feel that I can deliver on them. When we first started dating and I was unsure a few times about when I could visit I said a few times that 'I would try' to meet her on such and such a date and 'maybe on such and such a date'. When I did this she got quite upset and said 'Why just maybe, why just try' which confused me as I thought that it implied that I would be doing my best to do it but could not be 100% certain. The fact that you say these are Filipino words for 'no' actually makes things a bit clearer for me...



This also rings true - sometimes I get the impression she is trying to create drama just for drama's sake (i.e. why are you home so late - are you seeing another girl? Even though she really knows I am not)... I am getting quite used to it (and I am generally a pretty chilled due) although I have pushed back (metaphorically) a few times when it has been extremely ridiculous and I think she is already toning it down...



Luckily she doesn't seem to be like that at all - in fact she complains about her friends who show off their things just to show off...



This is good advice - thank you... She is certainly gregarious when she is with me and her family and certainly does not seem to have any issue about showing her connection/affection for me in public (in the mall for example) - however I have noticed that she sometimes does go quiet when other people are around. I had already planned to help her to do some more studying (if she wants to) but will also consider those other things you suggest. I am not highly social myself but do have to 'network' as part of my job sometimes and would like her to feel comfortable in those situations...

Anyway - thanks again for all the suggestions everyone. I do adore her and I just hope that she enjoys Malaysia when she comes here and does not get too homesick or bored when I am at work!

Cheers
I am glad that I was able to give you something that you can take away with.

That is great that she is not into the "showy" thing. That often leads into the areas that I was talking about. That alone would push me away from a relationship.

Look at the drama creation as tests to see your sincerity. The fact that they are less frequent gives case that you are gaining her trust.

It sounds to me like you got a good girl to grow with. It's all about give and take. You both grow as you learn each other (personalities, culture, languages, etc.). I always find it fascinating and will never grow tired of my partner. We know each other's goods and bads and accept them.

Best of Luck!
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Old 22nd December 2012, 01:33 PM
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You sound like a wise chap! thanks gain for the advice. I hope that it works out for us the same way that it has for you.

I am happy to invest my time and effort into this because I really think that she is someone I could still be with in another 40 years time. I just hope she feels the same way!

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Old 23rd December 2012, 02:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ILoveAFilipina View Post
You sound like a wise chap! thanks gain for the advice. I hope that it works out for us the same way that it has for you.

I am happy to invest my time and effort into this because I really think that she is someone I could still be with in another 40 years time. I just hope she feels the same way!
Just remember that it is always a work in progress. Don't let things come between you and her. Once there is a gap it's hard to close it. Always be honest with her and expect the same.

I am sure that if you keep up with adoration and communication (the most important key) that things will fall into place. Patience is a must too (especially if you ever decide to settle down in the Philippines, another story).

For me, exposing her to new things all the time is one of the most rewarding parts of our relationship. Mine also has one of the best intuitions that I have ever come across (she could work for CSI hahahaha). I still struggle to learn her dialect but her english is always improving (95% there). We don't stagnate and always keep things moving. We have traveled all over the country, plus Hong Kong and Singapore. We will be going to Thailand in May.
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