Jokes that make you laugh ... - Page 3

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Jokes that make you laugh ... - Page 3


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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 20th August 2010, 09:52 AM
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Default Jokes

With apologies in advance ... but we all need a laugh!!


1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b****ard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 20th August 2010, 11:14 AM
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 20th August 2010, 01:13 PM
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[QUOTE=siobhanwf;354308]With apologies in advance ... but we all need a laugh!!

OMG got tears in my eyes with laughing .. just what we need

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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 21st August 2010, 03:49 PM
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Default Your hotel bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.


I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. "But we didn't use them.''
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," ."Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a check and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'' "That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 12th October 2016, 01:25 AM
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Daddy did you know that girls are smarter than boys?

No, I didn’t know that.

There you go.

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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 30th October 2016, 01:31 AM
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What did the stamp say to the envelope?
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You stick with me and I will take you places!

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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 3rd December 2016, 07:00 AM
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There was 2 Bags off sick, walking down the street. one started to cry and the other one asked 'What you crying for?' he repplied 'This is were i got brought up'. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

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Old 20th January 2018, 12:52 AM
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

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Old 6th December 2018, 03:48 PM
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I know it's kinda stupid but I like the joke from Pulp Fiction:
"Three tomatoes are walking down the street -- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says, 'Catch up.' "

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