Married to a Thai Woman

[Dumbo]

I am going throw the cat amongst pigeons here. But this is a genuine. I have read many articles on marrying Thai women and sadly most give a very negative impression. Most of you would have read the articles. I am not putting bar girls down, but could we leave them out of the picture at moment. I am also well aware of cultural differnces. Are there Thai women who are looking for happiness? All women no matter whatever the country they come from are looking for security in a relationship. Gold diggers everywhere as well. I would like to see some input here from those who are in a happy relationship. in Thailand. These are genuine questions I am asking. So come on guys please come foreward.

[frogblogger]

Most negative comments come from the older farang who has tried to relive his youth and is kidding himself that the vibrant young things somehow love him for what he is rather than what he has. Nine times out of ten that kind of relationship is doomed to fail. As it would in NZ, the UK or anywhere else.

But I'm very happy, 18 months into a relationship, getting married in a couple of months' time. As you say Thailand is no different to anywhere else - if you can find someone you're suited to, who values honesty, respect and fidelity, then you've as much chance of being happy in LOS as anywhere else.

One proviso - cross-cultural relationships statistically break up quite a lot more frequently than those with fellow nationals. But if you're the flexible sort, don't take yourself or your motherland too seriously, then it can work.

I like the way female/male roles are more clearcut in LOS - I've been shot at before for saying this, and I'm not some kind of male chauvinist, but in the West these days the pint-swilling, absolutely everything has to be shared/equal women, just don't attract me. Thai women are just more 'feminine'.

I also have a great affinity for Thai culture - I don't think the Western way is the only way. Thais - men or women - are far more likely to appreciate you and want to get to know you, if you don't think they belong to some kind of inferior race. That unfortunately is the attitude of many farangs in Thailand. The number of times I hear farangs loudly slagging off the Thais in their earshot, over a beer, it's pathetic. No wonder they're wary of us.

[King Silk]

Originally Posted by frogblogger

Most negative comments come from the older farang who has tried to relive his youth and is kidding himself that the vibrant young things somehow love him for what he is rather than what he has. Nine times out of ten that kind of relationship is doomed to fail. As it would in NZ, the UK or anywhere else.

But I'm very happy, 18 months into a relationship, getting married in a couple of months' time. As you say Thailand is no different to anywhere else - if you can find someone you're suited to, who values honesty, respect and fidelity, then you've as much chance of being happy in LOS as anywhere else.

One proviso - cross-cultural relationships statistically break up quite a lot more frequently than those with fellow nationals. But if you're the flexible sort, don't take yourself or your motherland too seriously, then it can work.

I like the way female/male roles are more clearcut in LOS - I've been shot at before for saying this, and I'm not some kind of male chauvinist, but in the West these days the pint-swilling, absolutely everything has to be shared/equal women, just don't attract me. Thai women are just more 'feminine'.

I also have a great affinity for Thai culture - I don't think the Western way is the only way. Thais - men or women - are far more likely to appreciate you and want to get to know you, if you don't think they belong to some kind of inferior race. That unfortunately is the attitude of many farangs in Thailand. The number of times I hear farangs loudly slagging off the Thais in their earshot, over a beer, it's pathetic. No wonder they're wary of us.

Delighted that you are happy, and contented, with your good Lady here in LOS Froggy, and I pray it continues........

Now about your wild generalisations, and if I may say so, rather naive, post.

Would you kindly tell us what stats exactly, you are quoting, in reference to inter-racial marriage failures....?

Thais are sometimes foolishly 'slagged off' as you so rightly say. BUT, old bean, are you unaware that THEY consider US 'inferior beings', and as Greg says on FOX TV "If you don't agree with that you are worse than Hitler!"........

I don't blame poor girls for putting up with Fat, Ugly Farangs in return for the money they desperately need to feed their Families back home in the Village.
But I have a string of stories, actually some are told in a previous post, about how very badly quite a lot of them treat their 'Sugar Daddies'.

To infer that our Girls in the UK are a lot of 'beer swilling, equality demanding cows', is frankly both unfair and inaccurate, and obviously predicated upon your own sad experiences.......

Perhaps the biggest problem of living with a Thai Lady is Communication.
Even if you are clever enough to learn the lingo, the subtleties of the language will escape you, as will enjoyable small talk, and humour.

Be careful Froggy, for if you try too hard to become assimilated, they will have little respect for you, and actually laugh at your pathetic attempts to 'be Thai', behind your back! That's for sure.......

[Acid_Crow]

Im in a happy relationship since around 2 years. I'd been to Thailand many times before, and had never been with a thai woman, before I met her. Had no intention of meeting someone, but can't help it when love hits you. Can happen anywhere.

It takes alot of patience to make it work though. The cultural differences are huge, and you will both have to adapt to eachother, making sacrifices in your way of life. Me and my girl found a good book to learn about eachothers cultures and such, it was written both in english and thai. Not gonna name it here (scared that the mods delete my post for advertising).

When it comes to money, we share. Her livingcosts are way lower than mine, and she works herself for the money she sends to her family. She's 10 years older than me, and I guess she's used to working hard to make a living. Younger girls might just be in it for the money. But I don't know.

[frogblogger]

Now about your wild generalisations, and if I may say so, rather naive, post.

Oh Silky, you can say what you like, so long as you remain polite, talk sense, and don't misrepresent me. Oops, not a great start then.

Cross-cultural relationships are, somewhat unsurprisingly, subject to extra stresses and strains. Note that I didn't say interracial, those are your words King Silk - and the two concepts are quite different. I have read widely on this topic as it happens, Anderson's 'Race Research' springs to mind, and closer to home, Cohen's 'Thai girls and farang men, edge of ambiguity'. Plenty more where those came from, added to thirty years of direct experience of cross-cultural relationships and marriage, I have some little knowledge of the subject matter. So no I wasn't generalising, at least not to the extent you were with your:

are you unaware that THEY consider US 'inferior beings'

- which is a completely inappropriate stereotype. On the other hand I can well understand why they consider 'some' farangs as inferior beings.

You really should try to read what I write a little more carefully. I did not say that British women were all as you describe, and I certainly didn't call them 'cows'. That is a straw man, and you are welcome to argue with him if that makes you happy, but it would be simpler if you actually addressed my real points and not your wildly exaggerated version of my words.

I have lived in France for two decades. No, the French do not laugh behind my back at my 'pathetic attempts' to integrate. I understand every single nuance of small talk and humour as it happens, as I am completely bilingual. Integration is possible, but not everyone is capable of it, that's for sure. Some people couldn't integrate 10 miles outside the village where they were born, to save their lives.

Those the French do tend to despise are those who turn up with the 'little Englander' mentality, shutting themselves away in miniature versions of their homeland, drinking tea and slagging off the French. I can't say I blame the French, the Thais, or anyone else for getting impatient with this type of expat. As I've told not a few of them in the past: "Don't like them, don't like the country you're a guest in? Go somewhere else then!"

Thailand is no different. I've been an expat for most of my life, around Europe, North Africa, and now Thailand. (Just in case a daft question was on it's way about why I'm no longer in a relationship in France, I've been married twice to a French girl - the first was wiped out in a car crash, and the second after 20 years together died suddenly of an undiagnosed condition in her early 40s, a couple of years ago).

The litmus test at the end of the day is who is in a successful relationship in Thailand, and who is not. Why that happens is key to understanding what mentality you need to succeed, and those who are making a go of it are generally those who've worked out the answer. So in my view the last people to take advice from about how to succeed in a relationship with Thai women are those who have themselves failed to do so. Which is why, presumably, Dumbo made the sensible request "I would like to see some input here from those who are in a happy relationship. in Thailand". (My emphasis on 'happy'...)

[Dumbo]

Thank you Frogblogger. You do understand my point and my request. I seem to read most of time about men and there failures with bargirls And once again I am not knocking bargirls. I am interested in normal happy relationships. And also thanks to Acid Crow.

[King Silk]

Sorry Froggy but I have been living in LOS for ages and I know for sure that most Thais hate our guts! We are tolerated for our money alone. OK?

We are seen as the 'invaders' of a Country whose one claim to Fame, is that it was never conquered.....

How you can possibly compare Thailand with France, in any way, so amazes me, I can't be bothered to respond to it!

But 'nuff said, you will learn that reading books about a place, and living there for a long period of time, are not at all the same thing........

[Acid_Crow]

I agree with Silky somewhat, we are all seen as outsiders and cashcows, no matter how long we've been in the country. It might be hard for some people to understand, because Thailand is so 'internationalized' cause of tourism and all that.

But, even though I understand it doesn't really compare, if you think of Thailand as, oh say, Zimbabwe. And you are the white european expat 'living the good life' with the locals, no matter if you learn their language and customs, you will still be a 'rich' white man from europe.

The feeling of seperating 'us' from 'them', is something deeply rooted in human behavior and exists in every culture. Perhaps its just an aspect of the humans survival section of the brain. I don't know. But today they call it racism.

[frogblogger]

AC, yep, the separation thing is indeed deeply rooted, it's evolved as a survival mechanism ever since we climbed down out of the trees and started off with hunter-gatherer communities only several hundred strong. It takes some overcoming, but the more flexible amongst the expat community have no trouble finding true friendship and integrating successfully. Needs some work sometimes, but it can be done.

Silk :

I know for sure that most Thais hate our guts!

Complete and utter rubbish. You "know" nothing of the sort.

I've lived in Thailand for over two years in total, plus I've spent a helluva long time there in lengthy visits. They may hate your guts, they may be sick of the patronising Western pseudo colonial attitude of some, but going not only by my personal experience but also by that of a sizeable number of long-term expat friends who have been in LOS longer than I, it can work out just fine... at least for those with the right attitude it can, anyway.

Whether it went over your head or not I don't know, but I wasn't comparing France and Thailand, I was comparing the attitudes of indigenous folk to expats who waltz in thinking they know it all. There are great similarities. I've been an expat for donkey's, including in Third World countries, so whether you like it or not my experience may just be worth something.

Sure I come across embittered, cantankerous, know-it-all old expats who've had a series of failed relationships, railing against the rotten Thais who are supposedly only after their money. To be perfectly honest, I'm not in the least bit surprised that they feel the Thais "hate their guts". They probably do, in their case.

Odd isn't it - no one's taken me for a ride, very few have tried, and those that have you can see straight through anyway, it's so transparent. I have good Thai friends, some of whom have at least as much money as I do. We talk about everything, many are really keen to find out more about the West, its attitudes towards Thailand and SE Asia. It's a relationship of equals. These are the sort of contacts I'm talking about, with real Thais, not just down the local bar.

[Dumbo]

Come on Chaps, Things have moved away from my original question and things are getting bitter and personal. Please try and stay on the subject of marriage or partner ships to Thai women and how you all make a success of it. Lets see the happy side of things. I can find plenty about the negative side. I am sure there are marriages that are very happy but as usual not much is written.