Married to a Thai Woman

[mikecwm]

I think the 'rants' tell you a lot about the answer to your question.
It really comes back to the type of person you are as to whether a relationship will work out - whoever it is with, or their cultural background.

If you have an open, enquiring mind and want to learn about a culture that is both fascinating and sometimes maddening; if you can treat people as equals and show them you can be kind and generous; if you make efforts to learn their language and culture; if you are extremely lucky and find the right Thai woman who has similar values to yours; then go for it.
I've never been happier in my life (62 now) and enjoy life to the full with my Thai wife. Just celebrated our 4th anniversary, and we look forward to building a home and a business in Thailand soon.
We were introduced by her sister who is married to a friend of mine from way back, so I knew plenty about her before I decided to ask her to marry me, and she knew about me by visiting in Canada and meeting my young son and mother. She needed to know I was a balanced rational human being.
I hope this is positive enough for you.

[happy bunny]

I am married to a Thai girl, we have been together 5 years nearly, it is wonderful. All our 'farrang male, Thai wife' mixed marriage friends are much happier than any of our 'all western' friends. The mixed marriages seem to be extremely stable, ours certainly is.
Western women have become so keen to be like men that you have to be gay to be attracted to them.
You discover the difference when you get sick. The western wife shuns you when you are sick, the Thai wife takes care of you. In my case once my Thai wife got all her sisters to come around and help when I was sick once - I was in no rush to get better.

[oddball]

Sorry Dumbo , you are experiencing the end results of living in Thailand for a LONG time , a couple of years wearing blinkers with tunnel vision is but the first warystep , or at least it should be . There are considerably more failed relationships than those that 'Appear'successfull in all or most stratas of ways of life , those that live impartialy embedded and believe they have become THAI usualy stay together longer , but from my many talks with and experiences of others , this is often due to the fact the Thai wife controls both the purse strings and the embedded individual . Step out of that control or pull the purse strings tight and it becomes an all new ball game , money rules the kingdom , that starts at the very top and goes all the way down to rock bottom where many often finish up , some even deeper down !!!!

Reading books achieves very little in my guestimation , they are somewhat biased and , after all , are written with the sole intention of producing income , the 7 years I spent in Thailand were mostly enjoyed , but watching the retrograde direction both government any many others were taking , I called it quits and am very happy I did .

Holidays give no indication of what a country is like to live in full time , tourists have a different mindset , looking only for the good times , not qite the same thing as 'Living the life '.

[oddball]

Originally Posted by happy bunny

I am married to a Thai girl, we have been together 5 years nearly, it is wonderful. All our 'farrang male, Thai wife' mixed marriage friends are much happier than any of our 'all western' friends. The mixed marriages seem to be extremely stable, ours certainly is.
Western women have become so keen to be like men that you have to be gay to be attracted to them.
You discover the difference when you get sick. The western wife shuns you when you are sick, the Thai wife takes care of you. In my case once my Thai wife got all her sisters to come around and help when I was sick once - I was in no rush to get better.

Why is it the happy(?) ones mostly seem to have to bring up their terrible relationship in a different country ? Surely they have to have been happy at some point in time !! I never , in general , had those kind of experiences and I did not go to Thailand to run away from past failures . How does any-one , even close friends , truly know what goes on beyond closed doors ? .

[happy bunny]

Originally Posted by oddball

Why is it the happy(?) ones mostly seem to have to bring up their terrible relationship in a different country ? Surely they have to have been happy at some point in time !! I never , in general , had those kind of experiences and I did not go to Thailand to run away from past failures . How does any-one , even close friends , truly know what goes on beyond closed doors ? .

Thank you for your observations. I have been an 'ex pat' from the UK on and off since 1980. I have lived in Norway, Middle East and the USA as well as Thailand. Ever since beginning my travels I have met a lot of people in that time who described Thailand and the Thai women in the same way as I have. In Haugesund Norway where I happen to be today there must be a couple of thousand Thai wives married to Norwegian men. Asking the men I have met they all say more or less the same as me about Thai wives. Other guys with western wives make the same complaints about western wives being problematic.
If enough people say the same thing about something like Thai wives compared to western wives, the chances are that you are getting an accurate enough picture of what goes on behind their closed doors.
By the way I went to Thailand on business in 2004, not to escape from a failure. In fact I had no idea really before that just how different western and Asian women are.

[happy bunny]

Originally Posted by oddball

Why is it the happy(?) ones mostly seem to have to bring up their terrible relationship in a different country ? Surely they have to have been happy at some point in time !! I never , in general , had those kind of experiences and I did not go to Thailand to run away from past failures . How does any-one , even close friends , truly know what goes on beyond closed doors ? .

PS I checked my first post and I didn't bring up anything about having terrible relationships in a different country. I was happy in other countries and with western women, but much happier now with my Thai wife. Actually my Sisters and Mum and family and friends also much prefer my Thai wife to the previous western one.

[Dumbo]

Thank you all. I am pleased with the response that has come foreward. Not just for me but for many others as well. I read so many negative things about a Thai wife that thought this can not be right. Sadly like many other things it is only the minority who say something. I had the feeling that Thai women were being treated unfairly and thought to it was time others spoke out. I have a lovely g/f who is Thai and we have known each other for some time now. We are taking our time. And we will get married when we are ready. I have never met such a caring and honest person in my life. Nothing will ever be perfect in our imperfect world but with communication, understanding, love and laughter it is amazing what can be achieved.[ Even in different cultures] I hope more come foreward and give there thoughts and views. Everyone must find there place in life and after all we are all different. Thank goodness.

[Serendipity2]

Originally Posted by monjardinfrancais

I would say that although I recognize many qualities to my Thai wife, the biggest problem I got is indeed communication, so big it even ruined my couple.

Thai women (or at least mine) rely totally on me for all decisions that might have to be taken in our lives. This totally the oposite of what I was used to back in Europe, where decisions are debated and agreed together.
So I really find it frustrated that each time I ask a question to my thai wife, I never get any answer, most of the time worst, the answer is a long silent.

As many of us back in Europe believe, Communication is one of the basic pillar for a stable and strong relationship, as it permits to avoid issues before they arrive and to solve (or at least try to) day to day problems. Also it permits to understand each other better, know where the limits are and what one likes or don't like.

Anyway, this was never the case with me, and I must say, once again, that as it has been three years now that we are together (1 year married), I still do not have a slightest idea as to what she likes or don't. I do not know what she wants in life, her plans, desires, etc.

One might think there is a big difference of age, well no, she is 36 and I am 40. We have a beautiful 1 year old baby. So the different of age is not the reason.

So, I have been thinking, and I concluded that it might probably be cultural. Why is my thai wife not capable of communicating with me, even if she speaks acceptable english?

The frustration that have been growing on my side for the lack of communication now reaches such a level that I am thinking that she probably do not like me, that she never loved me and that she sticks with me coz she's got no where to go and so she stays here for material reasons. If so, it is unacceptable to me.

I have asked her many, many, many times why she does not talk to me, and I never got any answer. After three years asking the same question over again, I often get upset as a reaction to her silence. Me being upset, blocks her even more, and I think she even might get scared of me now, even if I am not being violent with her.

So and to finish with, I think we are arriving at the end of the road, and as I have told her that, she told me... do what you think is best... which makes me even more desperate, as even the prospect of a divorce doesn't make her change her communication. Thai women are living the life, accepting what ever happens. It is another thing I do not understand as in europe, most of us fight for what we think is right. Accepting what ever comes is not an option for us, and often considered as being coward (well at least to me). So before I pay a visit to my lawyer and introduce a divorce request, I would appreciate any advise on how to communicate with a Thai/Isan woman... Feel free to share...

monjardinfrancais,

We westerners come to Thailand and are enchanted by Thai women. In part because we're dissatisfied with the attitudes and demands of western women. We find Thai women such a refreshing change. They are pleasant, treat us very well and are generally subservient. That is the cultural difference of most Asian women - and we are beguiled. Then set out to destroy that which we thought we wanted. How ironic - and how foolish we humans are.

Perhaps the reason your wife doesn't communicate with you is that all her life she has been taught by her culture to be the obedient wife. To stand by her man, keep his home and raise his children. Asian women do not think of themselves as equals to their husbands. They will virtually always defer to their husband. Maybe the reason your wife doesn't communicate with you is that she doesn't feel secure. Judging by your post you pretty much indicate the same. Rather than bemoan your relationship why not go out of your way to show her you do care and you want the marriage to work. That should be your primary goal. That and caring for your new baby.

You mention you've been together 3 years and married just one year but already have a baby. My congratulations to you and your wife on your baby. With a baby comes the responsibility of being a man and helping to raise your child and give your baby a mother AND a father and a feeling of security rather than moaning that your wife won't talk to you - or that she is silent. Or you can dump her and give your child no love or support. One more child to grow up without a father in this world. Isn't it your time to step up and be that man? For your baby?

You could also quit worrying about your wife not communicating with you. Give her lots of hugs and words of encouragement. That would go a long way to healing your marriage. All women need to feel wanted and loved and when they do you will receive the same in return. If you do you will reap the blessings of a wonderful marriage but if you decide to chuck it and leave her stranded remember that you will damage your child and that damage will be permanent. A child needs both a mother and a father. Remember, no marriage is perfect. There are a lot of bumps along the road but if you stay with it you will be blessed. If you don't, and decide to leave her, then you also abandon your child. Hopefully you'll do the right thing and step up to your obligations as a father.

Serendipity2

[happy bunny]

Originally Posted by Serendipity2

monjardinfrancais,

We westerners come to Thailand and are enchanted by Thai women. In part because we're dissatisfied with the attitudes and demands of western women. We find Thai women such a refreshing change. They are pleasant, treat us very well and are generally subservient. That is the cultural difference of most Asian women - and we are beguiled. Then set out to destroy that which we thought we wanted. How ironic - and how foolish we humans are.

Perhaps the reason your wife doesn't communicate with you is that all her life she has been taught by her culture to be the obedient wife. To stand by her man, keep his home and raise his children. Asian women do not think of themselves as equals to their husbands. They will virtually always defer to their husband. Maybe the reason your wife doesn't communicate with you is that she doesn't feel secure. Judging by your post you pretty much indicate the same. Rather than bemoan your relationship why not go out of your way to show her you do care and you want the marriage to work. That should be your primary goal. That and caring for your new baby.

You mention you've been together 3 years and married just one year but already have a baby. My congratulations to you and your wife on your baby. With a baby comes the responsibility of being a man and helping to raise your child and give your baby a mother AND a father and a feeling of security rather than moaning that your wife won't talk to you - or that she is silent. Or you can dump her and give your child no love or support. One more child to grow up without a father in this world. Isn't it your time to step up and be that man? For your baby?

You could also quit worrying about your wife not communicating with you. Give her lots of hugs and words of encouragement. That would go a long way to healing your marriage. All women need to feel wanted and loved and when they do you will receive the same in return. If you do you will reap the blessings of a wonderful marriage but if you decide to chuck it and leave her stranded remember that you will damage your child and that damage will be permanent. A child needs both a mother and a father. Remember, no marriage is perfect. There are a lot of bumps along the road but if you stay with it you will be blessed. If you don't, and decide to leave her, then you also abandon your child. Hopefully you'll do the right thing and step up to your obligations as a father.

Serendipity2

I strongly agree with Serendipity. Thai women can be beaten up by Thai husbands for trying to interfere so they keep quiet. Also the more angry you get the more she will clam up. It took me about 4 years to eventually get a straight but reluctant verbal opinion out of my wife, only to realize that she had been offering opinions all along in very subtle ways, such as expressions and not talking about the things she did not agree with but talking about things she was keen on. Eventually I managed to realize what was going on. Now I do get all the input I need but mostly through subtle signals and without getting a direct answer. So if you think you need a new house, tell her and if she does not smile and she never mentions it again she doesn’t want one. But if she smiles at the idea when you mention it and chats about it especially to her friends, she does want one. Simple really.

[happy bunny]

Originally Posted by frogblogger

For the benefit of those who didn't grasp the reference to sending money/gifts to the wife's family, Thailand has zero state social or health funding for the elderly (or anyone else), and the family support structure is pretty much the only way of surviving past useful working age, short of begging in the street. Over the ages the Thai people have developed a close-knit family/community system. All Thais consider it an honour to look after their family into old age, even if it means sacrificing a sizeable part of their own income to do so. Not to do so is seen as the most shameful of behaviour. They consider that they owe gratitude to their parents for looking after them - almost the opposite to the attitude of kids in the West, these days!

As this is such a fundamental, ingrained part of the Thai psyche, it is virtually impossible for them to understand how so many in the West more or less abandon their parents at the first possible opportunity. So asking us for money that they then give to their family, they don't see as the least bit manipulative. When we start a relationship with a Thai girl, we start a relationship with her family too, in a manner of speaking. It is part and parcel of the deal, and your partner will see it as perfectly natural and fair. If you grumble, they will see you as mean-spirited and disrespectful. Finding a middle ground in understanding is what I've been trying to get across in various posts in this thread - cross-cultural relationships need flexibility, goodwill and understanding on both sides.

This is very true about social security being home grown in Thailand. I take care of my Thai family and it is so cheap I don't even notice it. I am also their sort of insurance policy against disasters which makes them feel safe and makes me feel good. It is almost an honor and it is also a thank you for my good luck in having the money. In return apart from enjoying their company they are obligated to look after me if I get sick, old, hungry or whatever. If I need anything they run around to help me without question. Why are guys so hung up about paying to take care of others? If they can't afford a wife, don't blame Thailand.