Married to a Thai Woman

[frogblogger]

Quite right Dumbo. It's just a real shame that even when asked:

I would like to see some input here from those who are in a happy relationship. in Thailand.

... we get the usual Thais are all gold-digging farang-haters who think anyone who tries to fit in is inferior, unworthy of respect and pathetic (summary).

The vast majority of Thais have little or no contact with farangs, and their vision of Westerners can be somewhat warped by the sight of sexpats crowding into Pattaya, so it's up to us to correct that unfortunate impression. It is possible - as those visitors who make an effort to integrate, and who enjoy warm and loving relationships with Thais - have managed to prove.

For someone hoping to find a good relationship in Thailand, of course it can be done. No one, least of all me, is suggesting that everything in the garden's rosy. But that's no different wherever you are in the world.

A lot of guys do indeed turn up in LOS seeing it as the Garden of Eden, the ideal place for a second chance, combined with low costs. Of course they are vulnerable to being ensnared by the highly expert young flatterers that would be delighted to extract as much money from you as you are prepared to donate. But more fool the ageing expats who think that they can find true love in the bars with girls sometimes as much as 30 years younger. Not that even that is impossible. But imagine going into a pub in the UK as a sexagenarian and trying to pick up a girl in her 20s. Short of being a millionaire or having 'seasoned' film star looks, you would be given pretty short shrift.

So attempting to stay on topic ("happy relationships")...

Cultural differences are pretty marked. Those who aren't able to adapt easily, "when in Rome" and all that, will struggle. You may be lucky and find a Thai partner who can easily adapt to Western ways, but on the whole the Thais find this quite hard. Firstly you are a guest in Thailand, and most of the adapting should be done by you is an unspoken feeling of most Thais. Secondly, few Thais have so much as travelled to Laos, forget Europe or anywhere in the West, so our culture is pretty alien to them. Especially as they get little exposure to it outside the occasional film, and they watch a lot less US-made stuff than you would imagine.

These cultural differences are pretty major, after thousands of years of separate development. Certain values and understandings are just not shared between the two countries. So key to things working out is open-mindedness, on both sides. If you can't be flexible, are incapable of appreciating life through new eyes, then the relationship is pretty much doomed to failure.

AC hinted at a certain book earlier, and I would recommend it too. "Thailand Fever" should be at the top of the must-buy list for every guy (or gal come to that) intent on a relationship with a Thai. And while you're at it, give it to your girl to read - it will be an eye-opener to her too, as every other page is written in Thai, and will really help her to understand what makes Westerners tick. Read the reviews of the book here.

Andrew Hicks is a guy I've corresponded with a lot, and who has written some great and witty stuff on his relationship with a Thai girl. It's called ... er ... Thai Girl. There's an equally good sequel, called My Thai Girl and I. Check out his website for details.

"Very Thai, Everyday Popular Culture" by Philip Corawel-Smith (verythai.com) is another great read, with some excellent insights.

A more cynical view about the bargirl scene is "Private Dancer" by Stephen Leather. The cult classic novel about an expat who loses the plot amongst the bars of the Big Mango. A definite must-read.

Jesse Gump's "Even Thai Girls Cry" I really liked. Picked up my copy in the local second-hand bookshop, couldn't find it new. Moving stuff, a story, rather sounds as if the author is recounting his own experiences...

Finally, a book I'll be getting next month when I get back to Thailand, Sex Talk by Kaewmala. I've been told it's well worth a read, coming from the point of view of a Thai woman for a change, rather than a farang male author. As the blurb describes it, it's a “guidebook to Thai sexual culture.”

I've read a whole lot more, but that's a taster. Most have been written by farangs who have made a go of it, and their relationships, in Thailand. Not without struggle and compromise at times, but that can be said about any relationship, even in your own country.

[Serendipity2]

Originally Posted by Acid_Crow

Im in a happy relationship since around 2 years. I'd been to Thailand many times before, and had never been with a thai woman, before I met her. Had no intention of meeting someone, but can't help it when love hits you. Can happen anywhere.

It takes alot of patience to make it work though. The cultural differences are huge, and you will both have to adapt to eachother, making sacrifices in your way of life. Me and my girl found a good book to learn about eachothers cultures and such, it was written both in english and thai. Not gonna name it here (scared that the mods delete my post for advertising).

When it comes to money, we share. Her livingcosts are way lower than mine, and she works herself for the money she sends to her family. She's 10 years older than me, and I guess she's used to working hard to make a living. Younger girls might just be in it for the money. But I don't know.

Acid Crow,

I'll throw my oar into the water. Having said that I have absolutely NO experience being married so my "pearls of wisdom" come with no money-back guarantee. In other words, mate, you're on your own!

If she's 10 years older than you are [I'm assuming she's at least 30+ and you at least 20+] then there is probably very little chance she's scamming you. Past 30, I am told, and most Thai women think they're over the hill. The good news is that if she's worked hard that many years and has been at least moderately successful it's doubtful she'll be running around on you. [Unless you deserve it by mistreating her] That doesn't sound like the case either - in spite of your Nom de Plume.

That said, I would still take your time. I'm reminded of that other "pearl of wisdom" - marry in haste - repent in leisure. Good luck and best wishes

Serendipity2

[King Silk]

Of the thousands of Farang/Thai marriages there are of course many that are happy. BUT, and it's a big BUT there are a great many failed or unhappy ones.......
Any fool knows that surely?

And to think otherwise, because one has been fortunate enough to have had good experiences, and is therefore able to look at marriage in LOS through Rose Coloured Glasses, is frankly, just as bad, if not worse, than thinking the opposite is the case.......

I will certainly never marry again. I won't live with a woman again either. After a while close relationships bore me......I don't need a 'Mummy' to tend to my daily needs. I am quite happy looking after myself. OH! And my beloved Dogs who give me unconditional Love, and NEVER ask for Bones to be sent to Mama/Children , in the Village!!!!!

So to those foolish enough to take the vows of Marriage in future, I say a fervent
"GOOD LUCK". You'll need it old bean......

[frogblogger]

For the benefit of those who didn't grasp the reference to sending money/gifts to the wife's family, Thailand has zero state social or health funding for the elderly (or anyone else), and the family support structure is pretty much the only way of surviving past useful working age, short of begging in the street. Over the ages the Thai people have developed a close-knit family/community system. All Thais consider it an honour to look after their family into old age, even if it means sacrificing a sizeable part of their own income to do so. Not to do so is seen as the most shameful of behaviour. They consider that they owe gratitude to their parents for looking after them - almost the opposite to the attitude of kids in the West, these days!

As this is such a fundamental, ingrained part of the Thai psyche, it is virtually impossible for them to understand how so many in the West more or less abandon their parents at the first possible opportunity. So asking us for money that they then give to their family, they don't see as the least bit manipulative. When we start a relationship with a Thai girl, we start a relationship with her family too, in a manner of speaking. It is part and parcel of the deal, and your partner will see it as perfectly natural and fair. If you grumble, they will see you as mean-spirited and disrespectful. Finding a middle ground in understanding is what I've been trying to get across in various posts in this thread - cross-cultural relationships need flexibility, goodwill and understanding on both sides.

[Serendipity2]

Originally Posted by King Silk

Of the thousands of Farang/Thai marriages there are of course many that are happy. BUT, and it's a big BUT there are a great many failed or unhappy ones.......
Any fool knows that surely?

And to think otherwise, because one has been fortunate enough to have had good experiences, and is therefore able to look at marriage in LOS through Rose Coloured Glasses, is frankly, just as bad, if not worse, than thinking the opposite is the case.......

I will certainly never marry again. I won't live with a woman again either. After a while close relationships bore me......I don't need a 'Mummy' to tend to my daily needs. I am quite happy looking after myself. OH! And my beloved Dogs who give me unconditional Love, and NEVER ask for Bones to be sent to Mama/Children , in the Village!!!!!

So to those foolish enough to take the vows of Marriage in future, I say a fervent
"GOOD LUCK". You'll need it old bean......

Silk,

There are millions of loveless marriages here in the US and I'm sure a few in the UK too. In the US more than half of all marriages end in divorce. Most marriages are for the wrong reason or the couple are way too young or it's a marriage of convenience - he wants sex and she wants out of her home/family. So many expats [a small number, statistically] migrate overseas hoping there is a better answer. I will say that Asians have a far better sense of family that in the US. I can't speak for the UK but I'm sure it's much the same. I'll not sugarcoat the hurdles with mixed race, mixed religion and mixed cultural marriages but I think they have as much chance of succeeding as in the US. Or the two can live together. In the case of most expats, they're usually older, most have probably been married and many don't want to be alone. The trick is to find a good partner to commit to and take your time. Or get a few Soi dogs who will always love you unconditionally - so long as food is available. If it disappears so do dogs!

Aristotle Serendipity2

[frogblogger]

Originally Posted by Serendipity2

I'm reminded of that other "pearl of wisdom" - marry in haste - repent in leisure. Good luck and best wishes

Serendipity2

S2, that should be "marry in haste - repent in leisure... except you can no longer afford it."

[King Silk]

I think that the Thai practice of looking after your ageing family in the village, is wonderful.
But, I have worked really hard for every penny I have and I am not about to send it in 'Shed loads' to peeps I hardly know. They will often bleed Farangs dry. Asking for more and more money for all sorts of things......
eg My best Pal here, no it's not Froggy, has spent SO much on his wife's family, over the past few years, that he cannot now pay for the expensive surgical operation he so badly needs!
It will be the death of him sadly........
One final point Froggy boy, we are PAYING guests. Capish?

[frogblogger]

You pays your money, and you takes your choice. It's down to you how much you pay at the end of the day, and the Thais respect your choice once they've understood that you've made a firm stand, and funds are limited. Been there, done that.

Tough as it may sound, you've only yourself to blame if you spend beyond your means and don't leave enough to cover hard times. "They will often bleed Farangs dry"? That's just shifting responsibility away from yourself. They don't stand there with a gun to your head, do they? (Well I mean anywhere other than Pattaya, anyway)

Paying guests? Sure, that's life. You want sunshine and an idyllic relationship, you'll end up paying for it somehow, there's always a quid pro quo. But some of us know what we're buying before we set off, and therefore there are few surprises.

[Serendipity2]

Originally Posted by frogblogger

S2, that should be "marry in haste - repent in leisure... except you can no longer afford it."

frogblogger,

The International law of love. It surpasses race, religion, cultural challenges and all things in between. Money, honey. No money, no honey! Well, there IS the alternative of a soi dog - at least until I ran out of dog food. Then the ungrateful canine would run off and leave me for Pattaya Silk! How's that for gratitude.

Marriage is for younger lads who want a family [children] which is the last thing I want. [famous last words though.....] Better, at my age, to rent my pleasures by the hour. OK, by the minute then!

[King Silk]

Originally Posted by Serendipity2

frogblogger,

The International law of love. It surpasses race, religion, cultural challenges and all things in between. Money, honey. No money, no honey! Well, there IS the alternative of a soi dog - at least until I ran out of dog food. Then the ungrateful canine would run off and leave me for Pattaya Silk! How's that for gratitude.

Marriage is for younger lads who want a family [children] which is the last thing I want. [famous last words though.....] Better, at my age, to rent my pleasures by the hour. OK, by the minute then!

That makes sensible S2. As usual....... Sorry you've got 'the Clap' old bean.