step father woes

[falangjim]

Hello

I am married to my Thai wife and live in Issan. We've been together for over a year and the relationship is going very well for the most part. We have two sons, 11 and 14, which are hers. Their father is out of the picture (as so many dead-beat Issan dads are) and we've added to the family a lovely baby daughter.

I know there has to be some step-fathers out there taking care of the brood of their jilted Thai wives. I've taken care of them for two years ... sometimes begrudgingly, but I've taken care of her kids. For the most part they've been respectful. I speak Thai, but they speak Issan. My wife translates a lot if I need to say something important.

The problem is that the 14 year old has broken the covenant of being a student. He's dropped out to my astonishment. His grandparents are upset; his mom is furious, and I'm beside myself. (I come from a background where teenagers held part-time jobs, went to school, and participated in a sport) I find the kids out here in Issan mostly lazy compared to how I was raised. Still, I willingly provide for them as long as they are in school. But like I said, the older boy has dropped out. And he doesn't go to the farm to help his grandparents when he cuts class. Nor does he help around the house. He's out 'til midnight with friends and lives his own life as if he's living in an apartment, not with 7 people who love and care about him.

This morning there was drama as he wanted to use the motorcycle after missing the van to school. It was long past the appropriate time to try and go, and his mom, my wife, didn't believe that he'd drive himself to school at 11AM. So she denied him the keys. A lot of yelling ensued, and then he threw a drinking glass and smashed it all over the floor. I'm still picking out pieces of glass from the mattress where some of it landed. My wife is ready to kill him. I have had it with his antics because this has been going on for over a month. My wife is exhausted going to the school and doing what moms are supposed to do: be involved in his life. I can deal with it most days, but usually on the sidelines. He and I silently walk past each other. I can't stand to even look at him when he's cutting classes flopped out on the floor in front of cartoons. It's not my house, or he'd be on the street. We live with the grandparents, my in-laws, at the moment and they are soft when it comes to discipline. I have yet to find my role in this mess. He's not my kid and he certainly doesn't act like anyone I'd raise. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt (14 year old hormones and just being a punk) up until the glass smashing crap he pulled this morning. Now I don't care about him, and I'm concerned for my daughter's safety in that house.

Feel free to chime in if you have children. Thanks.

[falangjim]

Well, screw it. 85 views and no replies. I guess I expected too much.

[jojo]

I dont know enough about the culture! However, I'd certainly and without hesitation be saying that unless a kid was in full time education then they pay their way. If they dont go to school at the correct times, then thats not full time education - thats being irresponsible. Remind everyone that as a parent, its your job to bring up a responsible adult, not to pamper a baby ! Tell em you love and care about him and cant stand by and watch them creating a monster and allowing him to wreck his life

Jo xxx

[bexyboo]

There's always a reason kids act out. Look at it from his perspective. Was he the man (I say "man" lightly as he is still a kid) of the house before you stepped in? This change in the home, hormones, the uncertainty of everything at his age is hard on everyone, but him especially. Of course you want to step up and protect your wife and her family. Someone, probably not you, needs to step in and see what's going on in his head and heart. Someone needs to listen, not accuse or get angry. Maybe a former teacher or someone that he trusts.

I was the angriest teen for the change my parents put me through and now I couldn't love them any more than I do now. There's a long road ahead of you but tough love, patience and a listening ear will help you all make it through. Good luck in this season. This too shall pass

[stednick]

Originally Posted by falangjim

Hello

I am married to my Thai wife and live in Issan. We've been together for over a year and the relationship is going very well for the most part. We have two sons, 11 and 14, which are hers. Their father is out of the picture (as so many dead-beat Issan dads are) and we've added to the family a lovely baby daughter.

I know there has to be some step-fathers out there taking care of the brood of their jilted Thai wives. I've taken care of them for two years ... sometimes begrudgingly, but I've taken care of her kids. For the most part they've been respectful. I speak Thai, but they speak Issan. My wife translates a lot if I need to say something important.

The problem is that the 14 year old has broken the covenant of being a student. He's dropped out to my astonishment. His grandparents are upset; his mom is furious, and I'm beside myself. (I come from a background where teenagers held part-time jobs, went to school, and participated in a sport) I find the kids out here in Issan mostly lazy compared to how I was raised. Still, I willingly provide for them as long as they are in school. But like I said, the older boy has dropped out. And he doesn't go to the farm to help his grandparents when he cuts class. Nor does he help around the house. He's out 'til midnight with friends and lives his own life as if he's living in an apartment, not with 7 people who love and care about him.

This morning there was drama as he wanted to use the motorcycle after missing the van to school. It was long past the appropriate time to try and go, and his mom, my wife, didn't believe that he'd drive himself to school at 11AM. So she denied him the keys. A lot of yelling ensued, and then he threw a drinking glass and smashed it all over the floor. I'm still picking out pieces of glass from the mattress where some of it landed. My wife is ready to kill him. I have had it with his antics because this has been going on for over a month. My wife is exhausted going to the school and doing what moms are supposed to do: be involved in his life. I can deal with it most days, but usually on the sidelines. He and I silently walk past each other. I can't stand to even look at him when he's cutting classes flopped out on the floor in front of cartoons. It's not my house, or he'd be on the street. We live with the grandparents, my in-laws, at the moment and they are soft when it comes to discipline. I have yet to find my role in this mess. He's not my kid and he certainly doesn't act like anyone I'd raise. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt (14 year old hormones and just being a punk) up until the glass smashing crap he pulled this morning. Now I don't care about him, and I'm concerned for my daughter's safety in that house.

Feel free to chime in if you have children. Thanks.

Falangjim:

I did not comment because I am not in the same shoes as you. Yes, I am a falang married to a Thai. Yes, I have a 28 yo step-daughter. However, I have never had any disciplinary issues. Therefore, I am not qualified to provide you guidance.

That being said, and in regards to your last post, I will give you my two cents.

Talk to him as an adult. Any conversation between you two should be adult-to-adult, not parent-to-child. He is fourteen, therefore he is past his formative years. His personality has developed. He is young, probably naive but necessarily so. He may NOT like the fact that his mother married a foreigner. He may not like the fact that his mother remarried, period. You being a foreigner only makes it that much harder.

As in the post by bexyboo, in his defense, he is going through a very difficult time, adolescence. I remember from mine, my old man was hard, didn't understand things had changed, etc. However, all he said was "right-on" even though I would not acknowledge that "father-knew-best".

"Tough Love". As noted by bexyboo. Spell it out and draw the line. Talk to him adult-to-adult, not parent-to-child. His life path is his decision. Support him. Don't take any bull. Communications is obviously a problem as you do not speak the same language fluently. However, you need to detail exactly what you expect from him in support of the family. You also need to ask him what he expects of you.

What do his grandparents offer in advice? Your wife? If it is entirely up to you, then school or work, his decision. If his in not learning, then he must be contributing to the family budget. His decision. Take it or leave it, the door is always open.

I don't envy your position. There are certain onerous things we all must do. The fact that we must do them does not make them any easier to do.


I hope this helps in some small way. Good luck.

[TomC]

First of all Jim, welcome to Issan. That's why Issan is the way it is. I think it's a mistake to apply European standards to these Issan genes. They are not industrious and responsible like the worker bees that you guys are. In my theory, I would avoid any direct discussion and disciplinary action and leave it to his mom and grandparents. Stay out of it and take the cue from the action of the grandparents if you need to show where you stand. Just play a mirror image of them. Use your strength. You have more patience than the kid. Give him 1000 days and I think he'd be out of the house. The beauty of Issan is that it should be relatively easy for him to survive once he's of age. This is not NA or Western Europe where he needs a lot of money. Maybe he's the not the school type and it shows. I'd see if there is any vocational training he could do. I would support him through that to get him out of the house as soon as he got some skills. Again, this is just my theory. Good luck.

[Newforestcat]

Hi Jim

Sorry. I didn't reply the first time I read because I don't have children. I am very pedantic that way.

I am Thai and married to an Englishman. I have a brother who is 33 this year. He quit school at about the same age but we did not know until it was almost too late. He went to school every weekday morning but never actually went in into the buildings and classes.

I was away in BKK studying at my senior highschool. My mum told me after 'she dealt with it', as she thought I would be worried. She basically said that she could not force him to study any further so he had to work. He managed to get his junior highschool diploma which meant nothing in Thai job market then and even worse now. I was really mad at my mum for not telling me in time so I could deal with him. I am possibly the only person he would listen to. I have always known him enough and can be forceful in my persuasion.

Anyway, I was wrong to have felt sorry for him thinking that he had well and truly 'snookered' himself in his life financially. He started working at my dad's garage and has been running it very successfully in the past twelve years. He earns more than most of my friends who had a Master degree. Money is no indication of how successful as a human being he is though. He never went anywhere, scared of leaving his business and losing income, very naive with the world and people's motives and very stubborn/opininionated.

Your step son will always have influence on your life and happiness either he is under the same roof or not. A mother, especially a Thai mother cannot switch off being worried about their children. My mother, knowing that I am ten times more capable than she is and more than capable of living abroad or on my own, would be worried sick about me, if I did not ring her from the UK for more than a week! I am 34, I have a husband, a full-time job, a managerie of animals and a social life, I still need to call her every Sat just to say that I actually have nothing to talk about today and that I am going out!

As a human being, I have strived to do what is right, sometimes possibly stupidly. Your step-son is just lost. Laziness is very contagious among Thai kids these days. IMHO, Thai parents like to keep the kids very over-protected regardless of their wealth and class. They have focused way too much on academic achievements to realise that life skills are crucial no matter who you are or will be, you need the knowledge all your life not just to pass an exam and to have a diploma or degree framed on the wall. I didn't have much life skills when I lived at home then but I left home at 16, thankfully I learned them pretty quickly. But most kids I have seen or met nowadays do not even understand the concept of working hard, saving and being civil.

Your step-son has had no role male model in his life, he cannot see his grandpa as one because he is 'uncool' and 'knows very little' in this young man's mind! He possibly hates school from any of these reasons:- not getting along with some teachers and/or classmates, thinking that he has been bullied, actually being bullied, finding some or all subjects impossible to understand, and maybe needing to prove that he is one of the gang who is anti-school. I find that kids with role models tend to crave a lot of acceptance from friends, sometimes way too much for their own benefits.
He possibly has issues, too, with self-worth, being a teenager is a rough time and hellish for kids with no or little confidence. I don't think his mum or grandparents can talk to him or persuade him either to get back to school or to start working. Talk to your wife and her parents about what I am talking next.

You need to find out why he wants to stop school and what he wants to do. Also he needs to know that being a couch potato is not an option. You need a male, someone who understands kids and is discreetly forceful/persuasive. Does he have an older cousin/relative/neighbour/school friend he looks up, too? If not, if you feel sorry for your wife, you should try to maybe take him out and talk to him. I don't know how well you speak Thai. You can get help from 101 million aps on iPad or computer. If all fail, decide about the nice thoughtful things you want to say to him and ask your wife to teach you. Thai kids and adults are very good at guessing what farangs are saying anyway. I think your step-son, if not already, is learning English pretty quickly from being near you.

Your wife's parents will be grateful for your help, as long as you tell them beforehand. I think it is fine if someone only wants to quit school at 18 now, in Thailand, as long as they have a very good plan about how to earn a living. You have to be very academic, intelligent and lucky to get so far nowadays because there are a lot more people fighting for the same jobs. In my days a Bachelor degree was very acceptable, now I am not sure if a Master is in the Thai job markets. Everyone seems to want to get a PhD in order to get the best available employments or to be someone important to get rich quick in disgusting ways. If your step-son can at least push himself until 15-16, he could do vocational courses which are more useful than just any Bachelor's degree from OK universities in Thailand now.

I am not very good at being to the point (at all!), sorry. Basically, you need to somehow make him well and truly aware that no more school means he needs to be an adult now and plan to earn a living. If he has no idea yet, try to battle through until he gets his next Diploma which should be next year. He can then choose to do vocational courses or get a job.

If he does not budge, tell him, maybe he should be sent to a temple and be a monk when he is allowed to, while he is waiting he can study Buddhism then! That should scare him, if not, cardet or military school?

[Jpippy]

Thank you for all the advice. This is the same person posting under a new name. My step son has gotten worse. Since dropping out of school at 14 years old, he's done nothing to improve his lot in life. He wakes up when he pleases, comes home when he pleases. He now smokes cigarettes and runs with his friends on a motorbike. I am in no position to father him or talk man to man to him. I am stunned at by how lenient his grandparents are, and his real mom has given up, aside from just going to the temple and praying he does something "good." Whatever. He's caused a major rift and on my last visit there I found it only possible to treat him like a ghost. I enjoyed my child and the 11 year old boy who still is capable of salvaging himself. I don't hold out much hope for the lazy do nothing kid. He's gone, and I've washed my hands of him. Look for him someday in Thai Visa news reports being jailed or worse.

[stednick]

falangjim, Jpippy:

Welcome back. It is a distressing update. I'm very sorry to hear the situation has gotten worse. So be it. Please take care of your family and do what you can to insulate them from any influence your stepson may have on them.

Wishing you well. May this New Year be beneficial and bring substantial improvements to you and yours.

Good Luck.

[farrugia]

Jpippy,
I have 5 kids 3 being my own and 2 stepdaughters. Number 4 was born in Isaan and has been here in England since she was six. She's now seventeen and hopefully past a 3 year very tough time. I was ready to give up on her but with help of inner voice and like you, wisdom to seek advice of others, I have stuck by her. My advice is to be patient and take a long view. Adolescence is a form of insanity :-). Hopefully your stepson will get thru in one piece and you will find a way to help.
Cheers and good luck