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4K views 30 replies 9 participants last post by  pamela0810 
#1 ·
I think I am in an abusive relationship.

I used to be a strong fella - smile a lot, social and happy. Now I hate myself, feel well...lost and wounded. My wife constantly barrages me with accusations that I am sleeping with every sheila I deal with just because I am friendly. Where I come from, friendly is normal - unfriendly, unwelcoming and arrogant just don't work for us and I for the life of me can't understand why being polite and respectful with a smile is such a crime? I work in a female dominated industry therefore I work with a lot of women or have to deal with women. I had friends which she didn't like so I no longer have friends. I am able to deflect and defend myself for a long time but now there is just no will to stand and stay firm - I get so infuriated with her accusations, criticisms, assumptions, controlling that I reach breaking point that I can't control. She has hit me and she pushes constantly into my face with her words that I lash out and push her (physically) away from me. I find myself getting so angry at her that I am spitting through my teeth and dizzy from the pressure. What angers me the most is she choses the time when I am with my son to start pushing and as much as I shield him and ignore her, he feels her presence and feels her distaste for me which unsettles him and hurts him.

What can I do?

I have to delete emails, delete phone messages, delete call history of anyone who she doesn't like from my phone and emails accounts. She has access to my emails and phones because if I protect them it validates her thinking. If I keep allowing her access, I chip away my essence even more. She has a private email which I have no access to - she still contacts her ex-boyfriend and discusses how I am violent and how she is scared of me yet I have never hurt her or done anything wrong - I swear to God almightly - I have never touched or thought of another woman in that way yet according to her I've done it several times.

I've even had to go to Etisalat to print off my history for her to "review" because she distrusts me so much yet there was nothing in my history to prove.

I get up at 4.30am and am on the road by 5.30am to Abu Dhabi from Dubai. Work a full day with no breaks and am home by 5.30pm. Look after the little fellow and get him ready for bed by 7pm. Up until recently I was studying till all hours and sleeping very little. Now studies are over and I do my house "duties" so as to spend more time with her but she assumes I changed my routine so I can spend more time talking to girls.

I want her to get help...I want her to leave me and the boy alone...I can't live like this anymore.
 
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#2 ·
? Go to couples counseling ? Give the reason that you both need to work on your relationship. Maybe once there, then suggest that you also do private counseling as well, with the help of the counselor. So then you are not putting it all on her. And remember that pointing a finger at someone/something, leaves three pointing back at you. Every action, has a reaction.
 
#4 ·
Sounds like she needs help. Can you calmly discuss with her what is happening and if she will admit that she may be ill? How long have you been married? was she ok before you made the move to Dubai? It is strange that you say ''my son'' - is he not her child? Is your wife on your sponsorship? If things are really that bad and she won't get help then send her home. She cannot stay here without your permission. That really is the last resort though and unfair to her, I would only suggest it if your child was in danger from her.
 
#6 ·
She is convinced that I have the problem...and for sometime now I began to believe her - that I seriously had a screw loose or something and I was doing something wrong because I had no other explanation for this.

We've been together for 5 years, married for 4 and he is our son. Not the best choice of words "my son" I know. I don't think he is in danger immediately but for sure and being a health care worker, I know the long term effects this will have on him but avoidance can only last so long.

Can anyone suggest a counselling service in Dubai please? I'll search as well but I haven't a clue where to start.

Thanks to all for the messages...I do appreciate it.
 
#5 ·
You see the situation clearly, you KNOW you are in an abusive relationship.

She is emotionally and mentally abusing you as well as being very controlling. Her "timing" to confront you when your child is present is also part of the manipulation. She is using your child as a shield knowing that you are not going to fully act out because of your child's presence.

She clearly has issues that need to be addressed. If she isn't willing to work through those issues with the assistance/guidance of a professional, then you can expect it to get worse and escalate. If she refuses to seek help that she is obviously in need of then you need to remove yourself and your child from that environment. One can only imagine that if you left and your child stayed with her, what your son would be subjected to as she may take it out on him.

People underestimate children and their senses. Children are more in tune to a negative moment or environment than people give them credit for as they only have their senses to guide them. This is definitely not healthy for your son.

Women don't own "abusive relationships". Many men are victims and suffer at the hands of women such as your wife.

You are a victim of abuse, clear and simple, and if you were a woman I'm sure the "finger pointing" comment wouldn't factor in. Most victims try everything they can do to please the abuser without any good coming from it and the abuse continues.

I wish you luck in sorting the situation out, for your sake and the sake of your son. It is definitely not a healthy environment.
 
#10 ·
That is a very sensible and constructive post. And in the grand scheme of things, for men and women alike who are in abusive relationships.

Lostandwounded, that you took the courageous step of writing everything down, shows that you are more in control of your life than you probably give yourself credit for. Meaning that, you've made the critical first steps to getting your life back. And there will be lots of little steps. Some going forward, some going back.

It will be easier if you have a plan, that does include or doesn't include your wife and/or your child. Only then can the real healing process start. But you need a definitive plan. A resolution - for whatever you may decide.

Maybe the next step, while you are working out your next move, and this will/has to be really hard, is not to bite back anymore - no matter what she says or does. Seems like all her relationships thrive on 2-way angry threats and accusations - that's not your fault. So. Deep breath. Bite your tongue. And breath again.

And finally, because you have reached out for help, I am sure that if we here on the forum knew you personally there would be a plethora of people helping and supporting you, literally. But because we don't we can only offer advice that may be insincere or misleading to you. That's why you need a plan. :)

Out of interest, where are you from in Oz?
 
#7 ·
Do you have insurance? Would suggest to call your insurance and see if they have coverage. Also, might want to go to the doctor to have a checkup done so that there are no chemical imbalances.

Has she always been this way in the entire five years? How old is your child? Maybe post partum depression is factoring in. Does your wife have a normal life here, as she would at home? Does she have 'me' time and social activities outside of the home? Did she use to work and came here to no employment? Such a thing can be pretty drastic and depressing. Maybe you can invite a family member here, like her mother, for a month or two or three, visit. If they see that she is behaving irregular, maybe they can be a driving force to get her to seek help.

Seems like alot of details are missing that leaves the forum just guessing. It seems you are taking your marriage vows serious and not walking away from a life time committment that is so easily done nowadays. Something to be commended in this so quick to divorce society we live in. I wish you luck in fixing the issues.
 
#8 ·
The boy is 19 months old now - she has a job, worked part time (with four days off) until recently and now is full time with one off day the same as me and the other now different but she has always enjoyed full freedom to do and go as she pleases. She and her mother have the quintessential hate-hate relationship as does her and her sister which as festered for as long as I have known her. If I left her she would take the boy and that would be more devastating to me than her leaving me. I moved to the spare room but its hard to be under the same room as someone who hates you so badly.

I'll do the Doc thing as well and check the insurance. Thanks for that.
 
#11 ·
Yet, reading back over the thread so far and just to be fair to your wife and so we understand where you are coming from - what is it that you do, or did, to upset her so much? Maybe you had a "innocent" flirtation that has compounded and manifested itself into the ugliest of situations? Do or did you try any sort of conflict resolution - or did she and you didn't want to hear it? Maybe you argue the same way as she does but are not aware of it? Do you control all the money in the house or does she, or is it equal - who has the real power in your house? Did you do "something" and are in denial and it is all her fault because she nags, and nags, and nags?

If you were to write your wife's side of the argument, what would you/she say?

I'm just asking these sorts of questions - because you have, in essence, made your situation quite public - and it is only one side of the story.

Just sayin'. To be fair.
 
#12 · (Edited)
Yet, reading back over the thread so far and just to be fair to your wife and so we understand where you are coming from - what is it that you do, or did, to upset her so much? Maybe you had a "innocent" flirtation that has compounded and manifested itself into the ugliest of situations? Do or did you try any sort of conflict resolution - or did she and you didn't want to hear it? Maybe you argue the same way as she does but are not aware of it? Do you control all the money in the house or does she, or is it equal - who has the real power in your house? Did you do "something" and are in denial and it is all her fault because she nags, and nags, and nags?

If you were to write your wife's side of the argument, what would you/she say?

I'm just asking these sorts of questions - because you have, in essence, made your situation quite public - and it is only one side of the story.

Just sayin'. To be fair.
I agree that "it takes two" and there is her side of the story. But in abusive situations the abuser is generally someone with a serious personality flaw. In a healthy relationship there would be a discussion if something is making one of them uncomfortable, not to go to such extremes that will only cause the relationship to deteriorate further until it dies. The OP mentioned the reasons she gives for her behavior, which appear to be nothing more than an excuse.

I have a very close family member who was in an abusive relationship, which was not only mental, emotional and controlling, but extremely physical which resulted in permanent physical damage. She was kept "in line" by being told that if it was ever to come out her mother and grandmother would be killed, then her. This man was so abusive he was scarey, and he convinced her that he was capable of it. When you are so beaten down by an abuser you believe them capable of doing anything they threaten.

I had a friend who was a mental and emotional abuser and a controller who for no reason other than for control over his wife. She had to turn over her salary to him. She had to use a credit card for all purchasers and submit the receipts. The only cash she carried was $10 for emergency, which she had to produce on a daily basis to prove she did not spend it. She was handed enough tokens to get her to and back from work until her next pay day. She had to bring her lunch to work, which was generally leftovers from the previous night. If he gave her money to eat lunch it was all of $5.00 which allowed her to get a hotdog (this was a treat!) from a street vendor. He constantly accused her of having ideas in her head about other men, flirting with other men, when she talked to a delivery man or the post man, she was flirting. In the end, she actually had no interest in men, it was women!!!! Today he has 6 marriages behind him.

What I am saying is that an abuser (emotionally, physically, mentally) doesn't need a reason for their behavior because it is just who they are, which is someone with serious issues. It is to satisfy their illness and it seems to make them feel good breaking someone and having that control over another individual.

I guess one would have to either have been in an abusive relationship (which I never have) know someone or of someone who is/has been in one to understand that the abuser is a suffering from an illness and rarely does the abused (victim) instigate flareups - if anything they do everything they can to avoid them but according to the abuser, the abused never does anything right, and everything wrong.

This man is in a very sad situation, not to mention the child.
 
#14 ·
I agree wholeheartedly with what you said and believe you. Definitely. More so because the 2 victims you cited were tangible, real women to you, not a unknown male unloading his domestic issues/situation on a public forum. They are all very different scenarios, even in reality.

It's not that I don't believe L&W, nor am I judging him. There are definitely serious issues at hand, not forgetting the child. That much is obvious and for sure, men can be victims of domestic abuse.

I'm just sayin'. To be fair to the wife, there has to be more than or to these jealousy issues. What started them for example? Four years isn't that long... to get married, have a baby and then end up sleeping in separate rooms and to end up in Dubai, as well as the studying etc. etc.

There has to be more behind it. Potentially.
 
#15 ·
She has the money in the house - I pay the bills with my salary and give her the remaining balance. I get my fuel allowance from work which is not always spent so I can have lunches and coffees but majority goes on fuel since I do the Dubai-Abu Dhabi commute. She pined for two years for a job in Dubai and now that we have a backyard, the boy just loves it - the parks, the lake, the other kiddies so the drive for his happiness is enough for me. She has her salary and does as she pleases with it.

She's the sort of person that as you answer the accusation she is already talking over the top of you with more accusations and doesn't stop - she just goes on and on...
 
#16 · (Edited)
Your wife should not have access to your work emails and should not be calling any one that you do business with. I'm not having a dig at you but it is very unprofessional to bring your marital problems into your professional/ work environment. Your business contacts may understand for now and quite possibly sympathise but it will get to a point where this will all come to a head and may cost you your career and all your hard work. Put a password on the Blackberry!

It is very difficult for men to admit that they are victims of domestic violence and that may stem from the fact that, for the most times, people do not believe them. What you are describing is not normal jealousy and is quite possibly the symptoms of another more serious underlying problem with your wife. No disrespect to your wife but she sounds psychotic!
My dad's friend went through the exact same thing you are describing. The wife blamed him for all and sundry and he could never please her. She complained that he didn't buy flowers, he brought her flowers and she whinged that they were probably on sale! The shocker came when she physically assaulted him and tried to choke him. Similarly to what you are describing, he made a thousand excuses to explain her behaviour and it took him 2 years before he eventually saw sense and walked out! By that time though, he was on a final warning at work and none of his family members was even talking to him (probably because he refused to say a bad word about her, so they only had her side of the story, which to say the least, she had embellished the truth to her advantage.)

2 choices for you:
1. Decide whether she can be helped and your relationship saved, then take it from there.
2. Walk away and arrange access to your son - I'm a woman and that would be my option. There is no excuse for violence, especially when there is a child involved.

Whichever option you choose, good luck and I hope that this nightmare comes to an end soon. :)
 
#17 ·
2 choices for you:
1. Decide whether she can be helped and your relationship saved, then take it from there.
2. Walk away and arrange access to your son - I'm a woman and that would be my option. There is no excuse for violence, especially when there is a child involved.

Whichever option you choose, good luck and I hope that this nightmare comes to an end soon. :)
I agree. You need a decisive plan.

And it's bad too, that seemingly your only outlet is this forum. You should change that as soon as you can, by making us all an addition to your real friends. :D

Good luck.
 
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#20 ·
Where's your wife from buddy?

But I reckon you should grow a set of balls and tell her what for.

She's taking the piss, taking your money off you, not giving you enough to live on (petrol money???).

WTF are you playing at? You're damaging your child, if that doesn't spur you into action nothing will.

Grow some god damn balls and sort it out.

I hate a weak "man"...
Don't confuse kind and gentle with being weak. He probably would have walked out if there wasn't a child involved.
 
#19 ·
She controls the money, which controls you. She is making sure that you have no financial resources to escape the situation, or will leave you with nothing should she decide to leave. Her getting physical with you may be to provoke you to get physical in turn, and more than likely give her reason to call the police on you. It may also be something to use against you in case she is looking for an out and will want custody of the child. Do not, whatever you do, raise your hand as much as you may want to because this is exactly what she is looking for. When she starts on you walk away.

Any job you have will require interaction with women. So changing jobs won't be a solution and if she harrasses your colleague this may cause problems for you at work and put your job in jeopardy without you knowing it. I would apologize to your colleague and in the future don't discuss the situation with her even if she asks.

If she doesn't agree to family counselling or seeing a counselor privately, then you go see one. Get this documented. More than likely the counselor will contact her and ask that she come in for a discussion and suggest family therapy and more than likely she will flat out refuse and tell the counsel that it's not her, it's you. This may help you should you decide to fight for custody of your son.

Suggestions to contact:

German Center of Psychology - Dr Jared Alden (great reviews)
Avoid Dr McCarthy, Not good feedback.
Helen Williams (but I don't know where she is located - try googling her) (great reviews)
Dr Menon (female) - Dubai Community Health Center
Dr Raymond Hamdan - Knowledge Village
Dr Ken Ryder - German Neuro Clinic

They are not cheap. Can run 500 AED an hour, but worth the investment to either help both of you, or support you.

I truly feel for you as well as your son. Clearly your son finds his comfort zone with you.
 
#25 ·
We are not certified counselors and we are only getting one side of the story. No one can say for certain this person is an abusive person. If post partum depression is left untreated, it can fester into much more serious issues. Their little boy (find it odd how saying the boy and not 'my son' ??) is still young enough that this may very well be a chemical issue going on.

If they set up their household that the money would go to one spouse, how is that abusive nature taking all ones money? If Lost is no longer happy with this arrangement then a frank sit down and discussion should of happened a long time ago.

The abu dhabi commute was a choice made for the sacrifice of the family but seems to be an issue that Lost isnt exactly comfortable with.

The pinned for two years for a job comment is also pretty telling.

Physical violence can not be tolerated. If it happens again, I would suggest that you might want to step out of the situation completely for the day. If it is a normal occurance, then you are past just stepping out.

Seems to be a huge communication issue where BOTH of these individuals, do not know how to communicate and work at maintaining a healthy relationship. We can not jump to one persons side or the other. Least we have someone who is also moody, aggrivated, and only seeing his side, see that he is right and she is wrong and use our words as justification as actual counseling.
 
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#26 · (Edited)
We are not certified counselors and we are only getting one side of the story. No one can say for certain this person is an abusive person. If post partum depression is left untreated, it can fester into much more serious issues.

If they set up their household that the money would go to one spouse, how is that abusive nature taking all ones money? If Lost is no longer happy with this arrangement then a frank sit down and discussion should of happened a long time ago.

The abu dhabi commute was a choice made for the sacrifice of the family but seems to be an issue that Lost isnt exactly comfortable with.

The pinned for two years for a job comment is also pretty telling.

Physical violence can not be tolerated. If it happens again, I would suggest that you might want to step out of the situation completely for the day. If it is a normal occurance, then you are past just stepping out.

Seems to be a huge communication issue where BOTH of these individuals, do not know how to communicate and work at maintaining a healthy relationship. We can not jump to one persons side or the other. Least we have someone who is also moody, aggrivated, and only seeing his side, see that he is right and she is wrong and use our words as justification as actual counseling.
You don't have to be a certified anything to see that this is abuse. If you think post partum could account for her abusive behavior, and that is exactly what her behavior is, then what would cause a man who would show the same abusive behavior towards a woman? Would it be plain and simple that a man would have no excuse for such behavior, but there must be a host of them for a woman to behave in such a way?

As for communication, there is no communicating with someone who is emotionally, mentally and physically abusive because they don't perceive their behavior as abusive and will justify it because of all the "bad" and "wrong" things that the victim does.

Where does the OP say he is "moody"? It seems to me he's in pain and full of saddness over the situation.

Have you ever known someone who was in an abusive relationship?? There are so many men and women who are in such relationships and are afraid to speak out. For the most part to the outside world it looks like a good relationship, but what goes on behind closed doors are dirty secrets.

I can't help wonder what your responses would be if it was a woman talking about a man treating her the same way?
 
#29 · (Edited)
L&W - leave her, and take your son with you.

She has gone feral and try as you may it will be nearly impossible to acheive a true and lasting balance again.

Stop giving her access to your money, email and phone.

Grow some. Its not your responsibility to cure her problems. You didn't sign up for her abuse.

Start over - there are lots of great women out there. Go and find one that values you and stop being a victim.

Leave her - she will either come to her senses or prove how crazy she is.

Just in case you missed the point - leave her.
 
#31 ·
The way I see it, the only victim in this situation is the son...not the parents.

No one forced you to marry this woman L&W. You said it yourself, when you first met her, she seemed normal although firey. So she's changed now, haven't you? Are you still the same person you were when you guys were first married? No one signs up for abuse in a relationship but if there were no warning signs before the marriage, then there has got to be some reason for this change and you've got to get to the bottom of it.

Both of you need to put aside all of this hatred, anger and whatever resentment you have for each other and put the needs of your child first. It's easy to get up and leave but is that what you want to say to your son when he grows up and asks you why you and his mommy are not together? For the sake of being truthful to your kid, go to counselling, air out your differences in front of a third person who is qualified and can look at this from an objective point of view. I'm sure for every issue that you bring up, your wife will have a valid reason/excuse based on her perspective of the situation.

Do not just throw in the towel. Your child deserves much more than that and taking him away from his mother is one of the worst things you could do to him (unless the mother is mentally and physically incapable of taking care of the child). Whatever problems you guys have, it's between the two of you, do not bring your son in between to leverage your way out.

And for those who are thinking "what makes you the expert?" I am a single mother and have been so for the last 2 and a half years and have been in a similar situation such as your's L&W. Just remember to put your child first no matter what you decide to do.
 
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