A Sad Story

[PieGrande]

Last fall, neighbors came and asked to borrow quite a bit of money, several hundred dollars. A brother-in-law had cirrhosis, and needed expensive treatment. I never expected to see the money again, but felt it was appropriate in that emergency to help out.

To my surprise, though it took a while, they paid me back.

Later, he got sick again, and they borrowed some more. Then, before they could pay me back, he died, and they asked for more, to help with the funeral expenses. Again, I assumed it would be a gift, not a loan, but decided to help in their time of sadness.

Yesterday, they came to update me on their plans to pay us back. The widow will sell the small house they had, and live with her parents, doing work as a household employee to earn what she can.

In talking, they mentioned the widow had 5 children under age 7. And, finally said she gave one away, the youngest, a boy. He went to Tijuana.

I realize this is a wild guess, but based on things I have heard over the years, I am guessing he will be 'sold' to a couple in the US. No child is supposed to be adopted out of country, without special permission from the Federal government, and only a handful of permits are granted each year.

But, some years ago, a border attorney openly advertised on a message board he could provide babies, with adoption papers signed by a judge. I believed he could; there are plenty of corrupt Mexican judges who will sign anything for the right price. But, it still would not be a legal adoption under Mexican law, even if the US accepted it. I kept pointing out Mexican Federal law, and he finally posted my name and address on the board, which to people living near the border is understood to be a death threat.

Anyway, this is sad that a widow is forced to give up one of her babies because her husband died.

Sorry to post a tragic tale, but not everything in Mexico is joy and happiness. This is as much a part of my life as the good times.

[Trailrunner]

You're sure the child wasn't given to a family member in Tijuana?

[PieGrande]

I do not think that is what they said. However, I hope that is the case. I will ask them next time. Thanks for pointing out the possible misunderstanding. Knowing Alejandro, I believe he would have plainly said if it was an intra-family transfer. Those are actually very common in Mexico when there are large families.

However, to make clear what I do know, he did imply given, not sold, if you are thinking I meant that. I am the one who has reason to suspect the baby will be sold NOB, based strictly on what I have known in the past. I do like happy endings.

[FHBOY]

PieG:
You are a person of compassion from what you have posted, and I have a question. I do not believe that if the only reason she is selling her house is to pay you back that you would let her do it, right? You have shown that you have a heart and conscience that transcends money...I am sure her decision was as tough on you as it was on her.

You are to be greatly admired for your generousity.

[chicois8]

For a few hundred dollars I would think about just gifting her the money letting her keep her family together and her home and you keeping a good neighbor and you feeling like a million dollars......

[PieGrande]

I was not even aware of the plan to give away the child until it was done. Yes, I might have helped keep them together, but had no opportunity to be involved. I mean, how much does it cost to keep a small child in Mexico? I put a niece through university, this would be much cheaper. They made their decision without my opinion.

It will be some time before I get to ask more about the home if any in Tijuana, whether family or not. As I said Alejandro usually gives great details, so I assumed it was not family. Will ask.

I do not help people because it makes me feel important, but because in some cases the money is better spent on them than on another laptop for myself.

[Detailman]

Originally Posted by PieGrande

I was not even aware of the plan to give away the child until it was done. Yes, I might have helped keep them together, but had no opportunity to be involved. I mean, how much does it cost to keep a small child in Mexico? I put a niece through university, this would be much cheaper. They made their decision without my opinion.

It will be some time before I get to ask more about the home if any in Tijuana, whether family or not. As I said Alejandro usually gives great details, so I assumed it was not family. Will ask.

I do not help people because it makes me feel important, but because in some cases the money is better spent on them than on another laptop for myself.

I think part of the question above pertained to perhaps forgiving the debt so that there would be no need to sell the family home and she then would have a place for whatever children remain. It may be that you are not in a position to forgive that debt but that was the key part of the question - the house.

I do appreciate your posts and your attitude to the local people, customs and your generosity. May you get a reward from the one that really counts.

[La Osita]

This is a very sad situation. I've seen it happen here as well. Too many children to feed and no income. Deaths that might not have occurred were there enough money and possibility for medical care. Thank you for helping as you could. I'm sure it was a blessing for the family.

[mickisue1]

Originally Posted by itnavell

This is a very sad situation. I've seen it happen here as well. Too many children to feed and no income. Deaths that might not have occurred were there enough money and possibility for medical care. Thank you for helping as you could. I'm sure it was a blessing for the family.

This whole situation is too close to home for me.

My grandmother, at a young age the mother of 7 kids, went back to England to have her 8th, so that her family could care for her, instead of the distrusted strangers in upstate NY.

She took my dad's youngest brother with her, not yet one when they left.

My grandmother died in childbirth. And her two older sisters, upper class British maiden ladies, who could easily have afforded to care for the little ones till my grandfather could get there to take them home, gave my dad's two little brothers up for adoption.

Michael was the baby who left with my Grandma. Hence, my name.

The happy ending for that is that he found his family a couple of years ago, and cousins on the east coast, along with two of his sisters, were able to be reunited, in their 80's.

Most of his siblings, though, died without ever knowing their little brother. The infant has never been traced.

The situation with your neighbor is so terribly sad, PieGrande. I wish that it were more rare, but not that long ago, it was a commonplace, as with my great aunts' decision.

They were not shunned for making it, rather, it was considered sensible on their parts.

[PieGrande]

Originally Posted by mickisue1

This whole situation is too close to home for me.

My grandmother, at a young age the mother of 7 kids, went back to England to have her 8th, so that her family could care for her, instead of the distrusted strangers in upstate NY.

She took my dad's youngest brother with her, not yet one when they left.

My grandmother died in childbirth. And her two older sisters, upper class British maiden ladies, who could easily have afforded to care for the little ones till my grandfather could get there to take them home, gave my dad's two little brothers up for adoption.

Michael was the baby who left with my Grandma. Hence, my name.

The happy ending for that is that he found his family a couple of years ago, and cousins on the east coast, along with two of his sisters, were able to be reunited, in their 80's.

Most of his siblings, though, died without ever knowing their little brother. The infant has never been traced.

The situation with your neighbor is so terribly sad, PieGrande. I wish that it were more rare, but not that long ago, it was a commonplace, as with my great aunts' decision.

They were not shunned for making it, rather, it was considered sensible on their parts.

I would like to explain something about the Mexican culture. .I suspect some of you already know what I am going to write, but, it is obvious some do not. A reminder that while I think it's the same all over Mexico, I cannot be sure of that, since I don't live all over Mexico.

The quickest way to offend self-respecting Mexicans is to offer them charity. I do not want to suggest all Mexicans are self-respecting, but most are.

They will accept help from family, and do not usually consider it to be charity. But, when someone not in the family offers what they perceive as charity, even if they need it, they will reject it, and will be offended.

I was thinking about this as I drove yesterday to Tehuacan. My builder is also my cousin and we are very close. When I get bored, I walk up the hill and visit them. I keep my work for them because work is tight.

For a couple years, whenever he wanted to go to the village across the mountains, he would call me, and I would drive him, whatever hour of day or night, to care for the old (90's) aunt and uncle.

His kids come down and use my Internet. When I ate something bad for me, a few weeks ago, he hurried down and drove me to the government clinic.

So, he and his family view me as part of their family separate from my wife, who is his first cousin.

Last summer, his MIL dies, around 90. He borrowed money for the funeral costs. I assumed since she had a really big family, they all helped. Something he said made it clear he got stuck with the whole cost.

So, when his FIL, nearly 100, died several months later, I didn't ask. I just took 5,000 pesos and gave to him, and told him I was going to help, since I realized his siblings were not going to.

He took the money, the coffin cost around 4,000 pesos. But, first, we drove to the house of the deceased. He asked his siblings if it was okay to take the money, since he viewed me as part of the family.

I believe they are well aware we are often together, his wife is my wife's best friend, so I do believe they do accept me as part of the family.

They all pretty much said, "Sure, it's okay." I don't know, but I suspect if they rejected me as part of the family, he would have insisted he pay it back as a loan.

In the case of the SIL of my neighbors, the mother who gave her kid away, not sure to whom yet, as I said above, anything I offered would be viewed as charity because I am not part of the family.

It isn't just a case of her not accepting the money if I offered. It may well be the reason they didn't discuss it with me before the deed was gone, was because it would have to be charity.

Now, maybe Mom would have accepted it as a matter of desperation, we will never know. But, the neighbors themselves would not at all think of the possibility of me contributing to the care of those kids, so no mention was made until after it was done.

So, the generous American offering to bail out a troubled family is not as easy as it might sound.

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Micki, that is an equally sad story. Thanks for sharing.