I'm an expat in my early 30s living in Italy - I came out here six years ago and I love the lifestyle. I have a pretty good job and am working on some small business ideas with a friend out here - I also have a great Italian boyfriend. The problem is my relationship with my parents back home. They were adamant that they didn't want me to move out here in the first place, and when it became apparent after a couple of years that I was probably staying, my father started to spiral into depression. Last summer when I visited he told me that he thought I was wasting my life and couldn't believe that I didn't miss the UK. Since then I have been reluctant to visit them, I went for Christmas but the small-talk was excruciating. I recently said I wanted to bring my boyfriend to visit and my father said the boyfriend wasn't welcome. Now my sister - who's based in the UK and tired of the sniping - is trying to sort things out and wants me to fly over for a big parley. I'm balking at the idea - I know my Dad won't change - he wants to "fix" me. I am the youngest child and everyone in my family has always given me their opinions about how I should live - I'm just getting on with it, and from my point of view, seem to be the happiest of the lot. What should I do? Since the boyfriend isn't welcome there I am losing patience and just want to plan my summer break with the man I love - I only get two weeks break. I know it sounds cowardly but I don't know what to do anymore - I can't bear another depressing trip.

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Sounds to me like you've given the family relationship building the old college try and it isn't working out. So, give it a rest for a while. Take your vacation where you want to take it and with whoever you want to take it with. Send Mom and Dad a nice, cheerful postcard to let them know you're thinking of them.

Put some distance (figuratively) between yourself and your family by declaring a year or two moratorium on visits back to the UK. You're an adult and if visits back to the old sod just make everyone (including yourself) unhappy, then dispense with them for a while. Continue to write or call if you like - or don't bother if you don't want to. After a break of a year or two, then see how you feel. You can't make other people happy if they insist on being unhappy. It sounds like you're doing just fine.
Cheers,
Bev

Hello Bev,
Thanks for your considered reply. It's a great relief to hear someone else voicing what I have been thinking - if it's not making anyone happy, why try and visit? I'm going to at least let things cool off over the summer and then see how I feel. Going back for crisis talks seems to be far more likely to provoke further unhappiness.

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Your parents should appreciate what they have, each other and other children nearby. They are lucky, because Italy is a short cheap flight away, it's not Australia. Have they been to visit you? Maybe you could send them surprise flights for Christmas or a birthday present. Maybe if they saw where you live and that you are safe and happy, they will start to feel differently. Families are complicated and my mum is no exception. I did the worst thing possible and took her three grandchildren halfway around the world, but we do talk, even though she doesn't like it.

Good luck and I hope you can sort out the issues.

Regards

Michelle

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What ever happens always keep talking even if its a letter phone call dont stop you need to live your life and iam sure in time when they see you happy they will come round but always make the calls even if for a time its one way just keep at it all the best in your new life .enjoy your summer with boyfiend , make sure they know you are ok .
Tricia

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Thanks everyone. It's a great relief to hear your thoughts and share! Sometimes as an expat it seems like everyone's else's parents take it all in their stride - mine are sensitive and I appreciate that but sometimes the worry seems really misguided.

Speaking as a parent, it is sometimes difficult to let go. Parents put a lot of love and hard work into bringing up an offspring and it doesn't end the day they leave home. They always worry about their children. Unfortunately this sometimes goes too far, as in your case (and mine). It is my experience that once you get parents that disapprove they rarely change.

As a grown-up offspring I think you can help your parents (and yourself) most by showing them that you are living without them successfully. It might mean that you need to make a stand by saying that you will only come to see them if the boyfriend is accepted and made welcome. It might mean you asking your sister to step back and leave it to you and your parents to sort out.

As regards this summer? Go take a break away from all this hassle enjoy your time with your boyfriend. Then deal with the problem of your parents when you feel ready.

Crimson petal,

We've been out in Oz for nearly a year now. I'm an only child and very close to my parents but I fell in love with Oz and we decided to move. There were weeks of crying, guilt and arguing when we got the go ahead to move. I kept in touch with my parents every week through calls and skype (so we could see each other ) and things weren't too bad. My parents came out here for a month in November and it went down hill after they went back to the UK. I don't know whether it was because it dawned on them that I wasn't going back and I was happy in Oz.

Anyway my parents asked me to stop calling them and my Dad was diagnosed as depressed. One of the hardest things I had to cope with was realising that it really wasn't my fault. My parents could have been happy for me but at that time they weren't. My Dad was put on anti-depressants and had counselling. The great thing is that slowly after several months things are virtually back to how they were before. I'm now back in communication with them as often as we like I kept telling them how much I loved them. I put off a trip back to the UK since I couldn't face being back there and not seeing them. However we are now planning for another trip for them to come out here next year, and possibly even move out here permanently. They actually saw why I loved the place.

As yummymummu150 said I would still keep in touch with them whether it's letter or the occasional phone call. It still keeps the channels open so it can be resolved.

Go somewhere nice for your holiday and enjoy yourself.

Your parents will do whatever they do, but that is their decision.

I know how lucky I am to have my parents.

I hope your parents change their attitudes and become happy for you.

Regards,
Karen

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Dear Karen,

Thanks for sharing your experiences - funny, I think that their visit to see me 18 months ago triggered something similar. Even if I don't feel great about going to the UK at the moment, I'm working on improving my contact with a mixture of snail-mail and calls so they can see why I'm happy here. Hopefully with love and sensitivity I can do my best - although I suspect that my Dad too might need professional help. Thanks to everyone on this message board for their thoughts.