Teenagers Adjustments as Expats?

[goodjaz]

Hi All,
I'm new to the Forum. I've been offered an expat assignment (3-5 years) in Lyon with my company. Only hesitation (other than not speaking French - yet!!) is that we have 2 daughters, ages 13 and 11. We just moved a year ago for my job and are now being asked to move again so I worry about the disruption to my girls (and my spouse). Has anyone moved to a new country with older kids? Please help me by sharing your do's and don'ts. I want to make the best decision for my family.

Thank you.
Jennifer

[jojo]

Mine were 11 and 13 when we moved to Spain. From my experience (I know all kids are different), I personally wouldnt put them into state school and try to get them to intergrate, I think that by the time they hit their teens its too late for that. Put them into an International school where it will be english spoken and familiar

Young teens are difficult anyway, when we first moved to Spain we had a good few weeks of tears and moods cos they wanted to go home, missed their mates, life etc. but after a about 3 months they settled and made frineds here. We've been here 18 months now and neither of them want to go back to the UK and are happy!!!

Jo xx

[goodjaz]

Thank you, Jo, for sharing your experience. My company will pay for the girls to attend an international school so that's a definite plus, since they don't yet speak French. Did you do anything special to help them deal with the idea of moving to a new country? Did you visit before making the decision or before the big move?

Regards,
Jennifer

[jojo]

Originally Posted by goodjaz

Thank you, Jo, for sharing your experience. My company will pay for the girls to attend an international school so that's a definite plus, since they don't yet speak French. Did you do anything special to help them deal with the idea of moving to a new country? Did you visit before making the decision or before the big move?

Regards,
Jennifer

Yes we did, but only once. Of course we were only moving from the UK to Spain, I suspect if you're in America it wont be so easy to just "pop over" to show them. I guess we went down the "bribery and corruption" route, we rented a house that had a big swimming pool and was nicer than the house in the UK, so they loved it when they saw it. We took them to see the nearby beaches and amenities, we promised a quad bike, horse riding lessons...!! So Whether thats the right or wrong way, it helped. However I shall never forget the first night at our new home in Spain. They both sat down and burst into floods of tears cos they wanted to go home, they were inconsolable and I felt so guilty, but as the weeks went on they gradually settled. They're fine now and happy, altho I do still, even now wonder if we did the right thing to take them away from everything that was familiar to them???


Jo xxxx
Jo xxx

[Bevdeforges]

I don't have kids of my own, but I can tell you I went through the tears and screaming phase for a while myself when I first came to France. Be honest with the girls - it can be a little rough at first. (For you, too.) What you need is a sense of humor, the ability to laugh at yourself (I know, tough for teens) and a sense of adventure.

But, it's "only" for 3 to 5 years, and believe me, when you go back, they'll be the envy of every kid they ever knew or will meet at that point (most grown ups, too).

Attending the international school is also a big plus. Everyone there is in the same boat - they're living in a country that isn't "back home" so there's kind of an automatic bond you won't get in the French public schools. (Among the adults, too, you'll find it easier to bond with other foreigners, if only to comment to each other on "why do the French do that?" Doesn't mean you shouldn't make the effort to meet the locals, but it really helps to have a "peer group" to fall back on.)

I like Jo's approach of "bribing" them - try to find stuff they'd like to do. If they're shoppers, promise them a few shopping runs up to Paris. By TGV, it's a short ride (and train fares in France are cheap!) so you could conceivably make a day trip.

Or make the run down to Nice and all the fancy stuff on the Côte d'azur - not to mention the beaches. If they like to ski - you're very close to the Alps and some of the best skiing in the world, including cheap ski lessons for kids their ages.

They'll still have access to their friends back home via Skype, Facebook, e-mail and whatever else.

The disruption to your spouse is another issue, though. Unless your company can arrange something for him, chances are he'll have a tough time getting a work permit. Obviously, it depends on what line of work he's in, but some trailing spouses have been known to "telecommute" from Europe - it's not entirely legal, but he wouldn't be the first to do it and get away with it.

You may want to contact The American Club in Lyon American Club of Lyon (France) for information, especially concerning trailing spouses. They are an active group and can really help get you settled in.
Cheers,
Bev

[frogblogger]

I agree about international schooling at that age. It can work out well at a state school, but it's a gamble, and one that depends a lot on the girls' personalities. Outgoing and bright children stand a far better chance of settling in quickly, and the language comes far more quickly in an environment where there is no other choice! It's a certain route to being virtually bilingual within a year.

I've seen kids aged 9 and 10 fit in well at state primary schools, but another problem is that if they get behind academically they end up having to "redoubler", ie redo the same year. The French system goes in for this a lot. Some of the slower children may end up in classes two years their junior by the time they reach their mid-teens. Plenty of French kids in that situation.

So on balance, I would opt for the international schooling, where children find pals who are in the same boat as themselves, and even if fluency in French comes more slowly, they still pick up the language vastly more quickly than their friends at school in Anglophone countries.

[minesthechevy]

<<< altho I do still, even now wonder if we did the right thing to take them away from everything that was familiar to them??? >>>

If kids aren't exposed to new experiences, whether or not they want to be, how else are they going to learn to fly when they finally get kicked out of the parental nest?


....and as Bev says, if they want to keep in touch with people in the uk, there's all manner of devices on the internet. Ask them what the difference is in sending an email from one side of town to another, and sending it from one end of Europe to the other.

<caveat> I'm very old school, I still believe in kids leaving home as soon as reasonably possible to support themselves, and I know it's an unfashionable viewpoint.

[frogblogger]

Originally Posted by minesthechevy

<<< altho I do still, even now wonder if we did the right thing to take them away from everything that was familiar to them??? >>>

If kids aren't exposed to new experiences, whether or not they want to be, how else are they going to learn to fly when they finally get kicked out of the parental nest?


....and as Bev says, if they want to keep in touch with people in the uk, there's all manner of devices on the internet. Ask them what the difference is in sending an email from one side of town to another, and sending it from one end of Europe to the other.

<caveat> I'm very old school, I still believe in kids leaving home as soon as reasonably possible to support themselves, and I know it's an unfashionable viewpoint.

Interesting MtC, I'm in two minds about this. There's definitely something to be said for the broadening of horizons, discovering new cultures, new outlooks, at an early age. I'm sure it helps them to be both more worldly-wise and more tolerant of differences.

On the other hand, you grow up without roots, nowhere to really call home. Certain people handle this very well, some less so. The long-term effects aren't really seen until adulthood.

On balance though I agree - my kids have been moved all over and I feel reasonably happy about their development. I definitely see a difference in their understanding of the world, and that of many local kids who have barely left the department so far in their young lives.

[hils]

Hiya
We moved here when my daughter was 12. She had no French "dans sa bouche", but when I and my partner came over to view the property, I also visited the state school here and asked how/if they could integrate her. They couldn't fall over themselves fast enough ..... She entered the right class for her age (5ieme) and instead of English lessons, had French lessons with one of the other English teachers. She held her own throughout - albeit with minor and ongoing hiccoughs along the way as she missed out on basic French grammar as taught in the Ecoles Primaires, but she passed here Brevet along with her classmates and with decent marks 3 years later so the "sink or swim" worked for her. She has now also passed her Bac with Option Internationale Anglaise having atended a Lycee in Clermont, but the course administered by the Academie of Lyon.

As a base, I think you'll find Lyon one of the most Cosmopolitan and welcoming areas in France. The well-reputed State schools there are incredibly well equipped for non-French speakers and many of them have Sections Internationales, so I would explore that route first. It of course depends on your kids as to where you think would best suit them.

If you do consider International School, there is a fantastic one which falls under the Lyon Academie but which is just outside Geneva. When I have a moment I'll see if I can find the website for you.

I'm also of the mind that opportunities for kids are a treat and not a punishment, and I would just grit my teeth and be prepared for the flak you will undoubtedly get from time to time from them.

Good luck
Hils

[debitopia]

I have an 11 year-old son and we moved Wales just a few months ago to live with my husband. I had a lot of anxiety about him adjusting and I feared the worst but much to my surprise, he's been just fine. Better than fine, really. I think we forget just how resilient and adaptable kids are. I kept a positive attitude towards the whole move and while cultural differences was a frequent topic, I always made sure to put a humorous spin on it. As I'm sure you know, kids are quick to adopt our attitude about things so I always try to present our new life as an adventure. We also realized that while you can read about different countries/cultures, it really doesn't compare to experiencing the differences in person, especially for an extended period of time. When I think about him as an adult and being able to look back on and share all the different places he's visited and lived, it seems to me he'll have a huge advantage with his broader perspective of the world and the people in it.