I just need to vent

[dreamoutloud]

Hi everyone,

I've been living in Paris for almost three years, I speak French fluently, and I do love living in France. But I'm currently at one of the low points in the expat cycle and I need some help getting out of the dumps.

I've been feeling incredibly homesick lately, not for anything specific because the location of "home" in the US has changed enough that I don't have large amounts of friends, family, and activities to go back to... But I miss my family and I miss that feeling of "the way things are done" that I am instantly familiar with. It's coming out in incredibly stupid ways, like the BBQ I had with my (French) boyfriend's friends this weekend. Unfortunately, I've never quite taken to French BBQ food (merguez sausages and those pre-made kebabs with the green peppers and meat you find in the grocery store) and all I could think about what how I wanted a burger and my dad's home-made marinated kebabs. Despite living in France for three years, this is the first time I haven't been able to make it back home at all during the summer, the first time in my life I've missed the family camping trip... And I'm incredibly jealous of my boyfriend, who lives "far" from his family by French standards, but still manages to see his parents every month or two. I'm invited to family events now, but all it's doing is making me miss my family in the US even more.

I've had some medical issues recently and even though I've finally found a doctor I like, it's been a hugely stressful process trying to explain sensitive medical issues in French and being cycled through the medical system getting poked and patronized by numerous doctors before I finally found one who will listen to me. I doubt there's anything uniquely French about my struggles to find a good doctor, but it just that much harder doing it in French. And I only got my carte vitale a few weeks ago, after over a year of struggling with social security. Sigh.

And finally, I'm still struggling with a lack of real friends. I have my boyfriend, his friends, and even a good group of my own girlfriends that I knew before my boyfriend. But they were all friends with each other before I came along and I remain rather peripheral to the group. My boyfriend's friends are nice to me, but I'm still very much "the girlfriend." And in all social situations, I'm getting increasingly frustrated because, even though I speak French fluently, I'm currently working full time in English so sometimes my French will take a little time to warm up during a soirée... And I'll be trying to to get a sentence out slowly or badly and the person I'm talking to will just interrupt in the middle of what I'm trying to say and begin a conversation with someone else. It's incredibly disheartening and I feel like my French is getting worse with me working in English during the day and getting increasingly nervous speaking to people who should be my friends. I'm good enough that I've passed the "Oh look, the American speaking French, isn't she speaking well! Isn't that nice!" phase and I'm at the point now where it's more like "You've been here for three years now, why are you STILL making mistakes?"

I do love living here and I want to stay after I finish my degree (assuming I can find a job and they won't kick me out... No more circulaires Guéant, please)... I apologize for the stupid personal rant, it's just one of those downward slumps in the expat cycle where everything seems to be going badly.

For those who have been here and gotten over it, please remind me why I like living here and that it will get better!

[Bevdeforges]

FWIW, it was a good 7 years before I finally decided to hunker down and "work it out" with France. What you're going through is a very typical expat "bad France period."

If you're in Paris proper, you probably should look into finding some sort of association or activity to do on your own (without the boyfriend) to expand your social circle a bit and maybe even seek out a few fellow expats to hang with (and make all the "ohmygawd, why do they DO that" kind of comment you can't make to the bf nor to your French friends.

Besides, in the expat groups, you'll be the "old hand" at living in France and can help out the newbies who need some explanations about the quaint and curious customs of the natives. <bg>

September all the local groups should get back in action again. You might be interested in something like WICE (to meet a wide range of expats of all nationalities) or AVF (to meet newcomers to Paris, both French and foreign alike). You'd also be eligible for the AAWE (Association of American Wives of Europeans) even though you're not married to your bf - though their emphasis tends to be on bi-cultural couples with children. Or just check to see when the next Forum des Associations is in your area and find a group you can throw yourself into a bit to make your own friends. It really helps.
Cheers,
Bev

[kirikara]

First off, no need to apologize. We have all been there and might be back in that spot once in a while. I hang around mostly the french forum because i now feel like an expat here, but my experience was as a french in the US.(or England).
We have all felt that way and been homesick and i think what is important is take the cues from how you are feeling..so it does not happen again or you get out of it.

You miss your family and that is an incredibly difficult thing to do: being away , so far away.
However that is possible, make sure you can visit them more. Try to get them to sign up for the AA credit card (with a big bonus like 75,000 miles) and to buy you award trips during low season if $$ is the issue stopping you to go. Make room for the fact that you are far and need to go see them.

I wholeheartedly agree with the BBQ comments Tell you what, you have 100% right to mix in your culture. it took hubby and I, 5 years to understand that my homesick feeling was mostly because very little of my culture was integrated in our life. Now we mix it up (and we moved here, to try it out and get on the same page for a little bit). We make our own burgers that we grill. I go to the butcher and ask for extra fatty meat (the lean meat in France is **** for burgers). I make my own seasonning with worcester sauce and other spice. I will be making pretzel buns soon for that purpose too since the burger buns are not good either
if something is not working : change it! make it your own. You need some familiarity once in a while. I brought kraft mac and cheese for that purpose for hubby here. Never in a million would we have touched a box back when we were in the US. But things are different now. and he loves that we can make it once in a while.

The doctor part is extremely hard and i have no advice for that... it took me years to find the right doctor where we last lived and I miss them dearly. But that is everyone. Dont let them faze you, and try as many as you can til the right one shows up. Doctors can be VERY insensitive I am finding out....

Now.. I will mention a piece of fairly personal info but I thought it could be helpful. I did discover at some point that my hormones were sometime linked to how I felt as far as being homesick/missing family/hating where i was for a minute. Keep track of it. You might have an AHA moment...

Hang in there, and feel free to hate it right now. it is A OK. Just acknowledge it, and make a change. Give yourself a break.

[James Higginson]

Good luck, I hope it works out for you, hopefully you'll be back on track very soon

[baldilocks]

For me it is totally different - it may be because I am a male, it may because I am in Spain. I have had none of the problems that you mention and have been here for 3½ years now. It could be that we live in a village where people are more friendly. I set out as soon as we arrived with the policy (very difficult for me personally since I am shy and speak very little Spanish) that I would greet everybody I met in the street, in Spanish. They of course responded likewise and, sometimes to my chagrin, would start a conversation, of which, I often understood very little. But we persevered and now, although I still don't speak Spanish fluently, I feel that I belong here, I have no hankering to "go back", no hankering for "English" food (we cured that in respect of fish and chips by having it on a visit to the Costa de Sol - it was awful!), any family that want to come here for a visit are welcome but don't come often.

I have heard your complaint from other expats here but it has been always the case that they expected the Spanish to come to them. Some Spanish and French (in your case) will, but remember that they, in most cases, don't need you but you might need them so it comes down to your needing to take the first steps in their direction and hope that they will reciprocate. You will be surprised at how soon, they will want to include you in things.

Recently I had a mild heart attack (I'm fine now) and my wife and I were amazed at the number of people around the village who asked how I was - people I don't even know!

Always remember that where you came from is exactly that, 'where you came from' it isn't a bolt hole for when you are feeling a bit down .

[dreamoutloud]

Thanks Bev and Kirikara for your responses. Bev, I am in Paris proper, so yes, I probably should take more advantage of opportunities to meet other expats. I used to have a large group of expat friends, but unfortunately, they were also rather transient and for the most part have given up on France to go back home or elsewhere. While I'm glad I've got French friends, I do miss having that group of other foreigners... I'm a student and made some friends during the school year, but unfortunately this is the full-time internship semester of my studies and I'm one of the few people who stayed in France to do my internship. I'm sure my social life will do better when I'm back in school, but at the moment most of the school friends have gone off elsewhere.

And thanks for your point about integrating culture, kirikara... My boyfriend is really wonderful and he's been very supportive of me despite my rather unhappy behavior as of late. I think it's just hard for him to really understand how it feels to live permanently in another country, where you are far from your family, in another language in which you still make mistakes that make you feel incompetent, in another culture that you don't always understand. He tries hard with me though. I just wish I could bring him to live for a few years as an expat in the US just so he could know what I'm going through. Also, I will think about your comment about hormones, as that is related to some of my medical issues at the moment and that could be a factor.

Baldilocks, I'm glad to hear you've adapted so well in Spain, but I think there are a lot of differences in our situations, as a 24 year old woman living in a large city. Although I find Parisians on an individual level to be friendly enough, Paris is a large city and people are reserved. Understandably so, as most interactions in the street generally involve men trying to pick me up; no friendly neighborhood chats. I am fortunate to speak French fluently and a number of French friends, so I don't lack for people to do things with (and yes, I invite friends over for dinner, out to bars, to concerts, etc, and people are always happy to come out with me, and they usually invite me when they go out), but it's the strong friendships that I'm missing. I find that French people have very profound social networks based around family and a group (or a few groups) of close friends and it's hard to really break into that. We all go out together on the weekends, invite each other over for dinners, etc... But when one of the girls in my group of friends had an engagement party a few weeks ago, they were all invited, but I was not. I am une copine, but not une amie. But I guess it's understandable; I have only been here for three years, they have known each other since the beginning of university, some of them all the way back to high school.

Finally, although I do love France and I want to stay here, I'll never be able to give up some of the American things I love (food, traditions, etc). Where I came from is just as important as where I am. That doesn't mean I want to go back and I'm clinging to the US (I've been away long enough that home is no longer home, in any case). It's just important, and hard, to find a happy balance between the French and the American sides of my life and when I'm feeling down like this it’s hard to find that balance.

[kirikara]

Hi Dreamoutloud.. Your experience sounds just about exactly like mine a couple to a few years ago. Something you will never get over is the fact you have not grown up there and yes your are a bit different culturally, so your friends will never feel the same as the ones you made in the States. I experienced the exact same thing with my US friends.
We had many many many conversations with my husband (and I did too on this forum). Over the years and hours of discussions, I realized a few things. No matter how sweet, supportive your BF is, sometimes more is needed. Guys (sorry for the generalization) tend to not put themselves in your shoes unless absolutely necessary. I guess they are little more straight forward. Right now he is probably sympathetic, but not really getting it. I have been there. You need to look out for your needs more and get him on board.
We did silly things that we did not kept up with that made me feel better :
"french"sunday dinner where we watched a french movie, tried to speak french for the night, and I cooked something from back home. We made special trip and budget for food that I needed (for me it was croissant, duck, ham, saucission etc.. ). Food is a big deal for me.
I took a few trips on my own to see my sister to get some family time. Joined a meetup group etc.. we spoke french a bit every day. Whatever works!

After a while here is what transpired: all that helped, and really I was not feeling so much homesick as much as overwhelmed with the un-familiarity. I needed confort once in a while. I need to exist the way I had back home.

But also, I felt the need to go back to France for a bit, as an adult. To stop day dreaming or have regrets, to get my husband to know that experience, understand my culture, and speak the language better before going on new journeys (kids?).. So we re-organized our lifes and jobs to do just that. Took 2 years. He finally admitted a few months ago, that he really understood now. All that I had been saying and feeling for a while. and that he never really got how hard it can be at times. The minute we decided we might go to France (for real), I loved the US 200% more. Because it was my own choice to stay.

So now, we are in France, which I have been missing for so long. I get to see my family and friends more often. I splurge on croissants every weekend, duck is at the table every week, we go to the markets.. and we love it. but guess what? We miss Evanston like crazy too. And sometimes we are both equally "homesick" and it does not help that we have to start everything over (no friends where we live). But it is fun.

Give it a few days. Go to your favorite food stores in Paris. Have a "bad day" budget. Take a stroll in Paris. do a touristy thing. Watch your most hated news show in the states.
Maybe go to the real mccoy?

The Real McCoy, Tatse of America in Paris

[Bevdeforges]

It's perfectly normal to cycle up and down for the first several years you're here. Then too, you're at the age where you are quite normally very close to your family, and going for long periods of time without being able to return for a visit can bring you down.

Try to see if you can get some of your US friends and family to come visit you for a change. Or, figure out the next time you can get away for a visit and start making your plans for that. It often helps to work on your next visit, even if it's a year away.

Actually, the more you go back on a regular basis, the more you start to see how much your new home is becoming "home" to you - and how much things back home have changed. Yes, things are simply "easier" back in the States (thanks to the language and the fact that you grew up with the various customs) but after a few visits back you will arrive at the point where you realize you don't "belong" there anymore. Or you see some big celebrity being interviewed on TV and you realize you have no idea who they are nor why they are a "celebrity."

What finally got me moving on going out and making a life for myself here in France is to sit down and visualize the alternatives. I've always contended that my French husband would be far more miserable living in the US than I was living in France. (Lots of reasons for that.) And, I reached the point where I really couldn't see myself living back in the US. (The old "it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there" syndrome.) Sure, there are things that I miss - but I'm actually quite happy here in France and probably couldn't duplicate the lifestyle back in the US any more (i.e. like finding a job, getting any sort of insurance, and establishing a credit rating after all these years away). Face it, life here is good.

Heck, we used to throw big barbecues for all my husband's friends - and I'd do ok until they started playing music. There was something about hearing all their old favorites and realizing I had little or no connection with them - then getting kind of "polite smiles" when I'd put on "my" music. I was in tears, for no real reason other than the sense of being "foreign."

And I know what you mean about having had some "transient" expat friends. Lots of expats are only over here for a year or two and then they leave. But realistically, it's much the same back in the US. People move in and out of town - and in and out of your life - all the time. Here, they don't have as much experience with that and many folks who are "friends" have known each other their whole lives.

Anyhow, no radical solutions to offer. Just the assurance that many of us have been through much the same thing.
Cheers,
Bev

[maartenvd]

Hi Dreamoutloud,

Thanks for sharing what's going on. I think it's really helpful to share how you're feeling--for other people who are also struggling to see it's not just them. I'm not finding it so easy in Paris either, in part for the same reasons, mostly for other ones.

About some of the things you mentioned: do you know about the American and British hospitals? I think they're both in Neuilly. I haven't been there (luckily haven't needed to) and don't know if you can go see them with regular French insurance, but it may be worth looking into to have a set of doctors and specialists who speak English. Alternately, I know there's a PDF with a list of English-speaking doctors (of various kinds) around the city, put out by the American Church or an organization like that. I should still have it, I can email to you if you PM me an email address.

Speaking of the American Church--I've heard that their event for new expats ("Bloom Where You're Planted") is really helpful and can be good even if you've been in Paris for a bit already. It's coming up in October. Not sure if it's completely full of spouses-arrived-along-with-husband or if it's more diverse. (Not trying to be sexist; I happen to be the opposite case and find some doors closed to me being a "trailing husband".)

Finally... do you know about Cantine California and the American food truck trend arriving in Paris? If you're still craving a burger or some cali-mex food...
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/04/wo...pagewanted=all
Cantine California - Parisian Street Food

[Bevdeforges]

The list of English speaking doctors and hospitals is available online from the US Consulate: France A - Z | Embassy of the United States Paris, France along with other lists of English speaking professionals, for those interested. Best to download a new list as the Consulate is pretty good about keeping these things updated.
Cheers,
Bev