Canadian Humour

[IOWgirl]

I had to change quite a few words in this but you get the drift.

Aug 12; Moved to our new home in Calgary. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them covered with snow. I love it here.

Oct 14: Calgary is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves have turned all the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. This must be paradise. I love it here.

Nov 11: Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec 2: It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight and when the snowplough came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Calgary.

Dec 12: More snow last night. It's so beautiful. The snowplough did his little trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec 19: More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shovelling snow. Freakin' snowplough.

Dec 22: More of that stinkin' white stuff last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shovelling. I think the snowplough hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shovelling the driveway. Arsehole.

Dec 25: Merry freakin' christmas. More fricken snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a who drives the snowplough, I swear I will kill the jerk. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the damn ice.

Dec 27: More white ---- last night. been inside for 3 days except for shovelling out the driveway after that snowplough goes through overtime. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the stuff again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec 28: The stupid weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white .... last night. The snowplough got stuck up the road and the jerk came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shovelling all the .... he pushed into my driveway, I broke the last one over his freakin' head.

Jan 4: Finaly got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back, a damned deer ran infront of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000.00 damage to the car. Those stupid beast should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed all of them last november.

May 3: Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all the stinkin' salt they put on the roads.

May 10 Moved to British Columbia. I can't think why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that Godforsaken province of Alberta.

[Pasanada]

I can - see my post on the Canadian section in response to Andy's Igloo thread!

BTW....my friend from Calgary is weird, he thinks he's a pirate.....he then moved to Vancouver because gays are more accepted and he was able to marry his fella!! LMAO!!!!

[IOWgirl]

Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering which country to invade next when his phone rang.

"Hello Mr Laden" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Archie down 'ere at the Harp Seal pub in Badgers cove, Newfoundland, Canada. I am callin' to tell ya dat we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well Archie," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news. How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next door neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight".

Osama paused, "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army."

"Holy Jeez," said Archie, "l'll have ta call ya back"

The next day Archie called again, "Mr Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to aquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Osama asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Harry's farm tractor."

Osama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personal carriers. I have also increased my army to one and a half million since we spoke.

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be gettin' back to ya"

Sure enough, Archie rang the next day. "Mr Laden, the war is still on, we got ourselves airbourne. We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shot guns in the cockpit, an our byes from the legion 'ave joined us as well".

Osama was silent for a moment, then cleared his throat, "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke I have increased my army to
TWO MILLION."

"Jaysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have to call youse back"

Sure enough Archie calls the next day. "Mr Laden. I am sorry but I have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Osama replied. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

'Well sir," said Archie, "we all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints and come to realise that dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[Pasanada]

PMSL!!!!! Heard a similar version, just as funny!!

[IOWgirl]

Originally Posted by Pasanada

I can - see my post on the Canadian section in response to Andy's Igloo thread!

BTW....my friend from Calgary is weird, he thinks he's a pirate.....he then moved to Vancouver because gays are more accepted and he was able to marry his fella!! LMAO!!!!

It is quite gay friendly there, there is a place nick-named 'gay bay'.

[Pasanada]

Yes, he loves it there!! LOL He also nips down to San Francisco alot....no wonder his "marriage" failed!!! Ooooops!!!

[IOWgirl]

A Truly Canadian Apology To The USA....Rick Mercer, from This Hour Has 22 Minutes.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an appology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but it wasn't very nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he is a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell lumber thats cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burn't down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it. I'ts very nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you are going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly appologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really thinly veiled criticizm. I sincerely hope that you are not upset over this. We have seen what you do to countries you are upset with.

[IOWgirl]

Haha, that will do it. I have some gay friends. They plan to get married in a few years. Great guys.

[Pasanada]

Brilliant....absolute class!!!

[IOWgirl]

I accidentally doubled up this thread, now can't seem to delete the other one, grrrrr
BTW I just typed those three entries, Osama/snow/apology, gotta get a scanner. That was a heck of a lot of typing.