Today's Jokes.... (Not very rude!)

[Andy Capp]

My wife has an epileptic brother, I bought him a strobe light for his birthday...

He's gonna have a fit when he see's it!!


-----------------------------------------


Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Irishxpat the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Irishxpat revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Irishxpat to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Irishxpat readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Irishxpat would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Irishxpat to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Irishxpat the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Irishxpat worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Irishxpat left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Irishxpat found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Irishxpat couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Irishxpat.

The moral of the story............













Pay your bills!


-----------------------------------------


One bat covered in fresh blood parked himself on the oof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bugger off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest .Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked."YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy."Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I bloody didn't."


-----------------------------------------

(Old one)



The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dubai, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

*********

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

*********

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

*********

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

*********

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. (And if she’d only opened the door Andy Capp would’ve been waiting there….)
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

*********

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!


-----------------------------------------



That is all...

[irishxpat]

Originally Posted by Andy Capp

My wife has an epileptic brother, I bought him a strobe light for his birthday...

He's gonna have a fit when he see's it!!


-----------------------------------------


Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Irishxpat the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Irishxpat revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Irishxpat to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Irishxpat readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Irishxpat would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Irishxpat to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Irishxpat the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Irishxpat worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Irishxpat left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Irishxpat found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Irishxpat couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Irishxpat.

The moral of the story............













Pay your bills!


-----------------------------------------


One bat covered in fresh blood parked himself on the oof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bugger off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest .Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked."YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy."Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I bloody didn't."


-----------------------------------------

(Old one)



The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dubai, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

*********

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

*********

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

*********

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

*********

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. (And if she’d only opened the door Andy Capp would’ve been waiting there….)
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

*********

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!


-----------------------------------------



That is all...

andy and stevie boy 2 homosexuals are walking through a zoo. They come across some gorillas and after a while they notice that one of the male gorillas has a massive erection. The andy and stevieboy are fascinated by this.

andy just can’t bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and brutally rapes for six hours nonstop. When he’s done, the gorilla throws andy back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the andy is taken rushed to the hospital.

Next day stevieboy visits andy in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?” “AM I HURT?”, he shouts, “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written …”

Q: Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.


irishxpat said to andy, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"
pasanada overheard this and pulled irishxpat into the kitchen. "You naughty man!" she screamed, "How can you say to andy that he is ugly! You go right in and apologize to him! Tell him you're sorry!"
irishxpat entered the living room, walked over to andy and said, "Andy, I am sorry you're so ugly."

[adebali]

haha .. good post

[irishxpat]

IM GOING TO BURN IN HELL FOR THIS
What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman


Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.

A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank **** for that i thought i had gone deaf!"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why dont women have a penis?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.


THE LAST IS THE BEST

[Andy Capp]

So you ARE divorced then irish....

[irishxpat]

Originally Posted by andy capp

so you are divorced then irish....

no i love my domestic help(wife)washing ironing ****ing etc

[willh]

not on the same kind of wavelength but about right....


An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take
a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks'.

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out
of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks'.

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take
half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking
for work in two weeks'.

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take two
a*seholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half
the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.