Looking for advice. Afraid I will miss my fam if I move to the UK...

[ladykt98]

I'm an American living in NYC. My boyfriend is Scottish and is living in NYC too. We met in London 3.5 years ago (where I lived for a year) and luckily 2 years ago he was able to get a work visa and come to the states. We have been very happy living here and dating for 3.5 years now.

However,I just turned 28 and I am starting to feel the pressure from my family on where our relationship is gonig: are we are going to get married, where will we live, will we raise kids in the US or UK and will I be able to cope with that? I admit, it's been on my mind for a while too... but I simply don't know what to do. I dont think my boyfriend does either.

My boyfriend always talks about going back to the UK. He is happy here for now but in about 1.5-2 years, he wants to go back to either London or Edinburgh. I love the UK but am petrified that if I go with him, I am going to miss my family and that I won't be able to cope well. I had a hard time coping being in a new city and country when I first moved to London but by the time my one year was up there, I didn't want to leave London. So sometimes I think I could handle it again... but the question is, can I handle it forever? I know my boyfriend would prefer not to return to the states again.

I am close with my family though, and my older sister has two little kids. I am afraid my children (when I have them) won't grow up knowing their cousins if I move to the UK permanently. My friends tell me its not a big deal, that my family is only a 7 hour flight away (from London to NYC or DC) and that my boyfriend is wealthy enough that I might not even have to work. I could take an entire summer off with the kids and be home in the states with my family. But my boyfriend and I worry about down our future the road - what happens if we do have kids but end up getting divorced? It sucks to think about it but its a reality that it is very common these days. I don't know how I would handle raising kids as a divorcee and living in another country away from my family.

Perhaps I am over thinking things. Perhaps I should just continue dating him for the next 2 years until we absolutely have to make a decision on what to do (get married and move to the UK or break up). He does not want to stay here forever. But, I can't help but feel I might be wasting the next 2 years of my life if I don't make a decision now.

Has anyone experienced moving permanently to the UK and raising a family there? got any advice? I could really use it.

Thanks.

[dragonflyblu]

We havent moved to the uk yet, but we plan to liveas expats for the next few years. My husband and i have 1 baby. our family are 24 hour flight away. my point is that you never know what will happen in the future. i would not worry about having kids getting married etc. until its actually on the cards. i think maybe both of you are over-thinking i if you have already had a 'virtual' marriage, family and divorce! just go with your instinct.

[ladykt98]

Hi dragonflyblu - thanks for your response.

Have you and your husband lived together abroad before? Are you nervous about raising your children so far away from your family? Do you plan to return back to your home country after a couple of years?

I don't know if you are American or not but I am, and like many Americans my family members have never even been out of the states, so I for them to come and visit me in the UK is not really that likely, or not likely to happen that often (its also expensive to fly). I would most likely have to spend all of my holidays visiting back home. Also, I am getting scared personally as this move would be a move forever. My boyfriend doesn't want to return to the states.

I love my boyfriend to death but I honestly wonder if it will work. That is terrible, right? I guess I am going to have to just take it one day at a time until something changes and we have to make a decision. No point making a decision now based on what may or may not be. I just get worried that I am perhaps just wasting time.

Anyways thanks for your comments.

[dragonflyblu]

Hi There, we dont know if we will return or not. We come from Australia (sydney) and basically it is a struggle there. When we moved to Europe we couldnt believe how cheap rent is and how people were complaining about it! In australia we paid 2/3 of our income in rent. A house in Sydney is 500k (AUD) and the average family income is 60k a year. Anyway I am getting off the point.

We havent lived abroad before but have lived away from family alot. Since coming to Europe we speak to our families more than ever. Every morning I speak to my mother in law on skype with a webcam so she can see her granddaughter. Not the same as being there but at least she knows her.

It is hard for me, I dont get a break, I am with bubs 24/7 while my husband works long hours. This is partly why we are moving to the UK. So I can do more activities with bubs. Where we are right now is very family orientated so not many playgroups and no childcare until 3 years old! I think moving to the UK would be easier and I think there may be more expats there so while you wouldnt have family you may have lots of people around in the same situation. I will let you know once we are there. Wow I have just written a thesis!

[ruscin]

I don't think you're over-thinking at all. I moved here from California with my partner on a whim several years ago - wanted something different, assumed we would move back and forth between countries, fly a couple times per year, etc. Then settled here for good...

THEN, last year, I attended a climate change meeting and realised that I cannot continue flying so much. Since then, it is a constant issue, and I face a future without seeing my family very much. It's so depressing. And stressful - I've had to turn down weddings and gatherings galore - and each time I fly over, I have to explain to my father in one state or my grandmother or best friend or brother across the country why I can't make it to see them this trip. It really sucks. BUT, I'm not willing to give up my life and family here - and we're not ready to move as a unit to the states and have my partner experience the same thing with family in the UK.

Skype and other web services have proved invaluable - I can see and chat to friends and family for free whenever we like - but it doesn't make up for all of the missed experiences. My best friend expects me to be at her wedding in California next August - but in September my family is having a massive gathering on the other side of the country. I cannot do more than two flights per year, and I can't stay in the states for a month or more....and people take it so badly when I miss things! Argh.

My advice to you is to meditate on where your values lie - how flexible your future would be and how much you could give up. I do love it here but there is a constant sadness in the pit of my stomach because of this choice.

Best wishes to you!

[Rexico]

Hi, one word of advice is to visit here a few times! It is totally different than what you might be used to in your hometown. The weather is very different too!
l have been here 6 yrs now. But l am in Northern lreland. When l first moved here we lived in Glasgow Scotland for 9 months before moving to NI at my insistance! Nothing against Scotland at all. It's a beautiful country, it just wasn't for me. NI offered me something that Scotland couldn't! l absolutely adore it here!
l recently went back to the states to live. Hubby stayed here to get things settled here before moving to the US. l came back within 6 weeks! l just didn't feel as if l belonged there anymore. l couldn't wait to come "home". l miss things about the states but l am so content here now.
You have a lot to consider and take in. Think real hard on your decisions, and research.
The first 6 months are really, really tough when you move somewhere new. The homesickness is horrible. But it does get better.

Good Luck with your decisions!

[Bevdeforges]

How does your boyfriend feel about being so far away from his family and lifelong friends? Granted, guys often aren't as close to family as women are, but if you get married and stay in the US, he'll be going through the same sort of thing you're worrying about for yourself.

I moved from the US to Europe ages ago (actually about 15 years now), not really thinking about how long I would be gone for. Through a series of events, I wound up in France married to a Frenchman. And for most of the first 7 or 8 years I wondered if maybe I had made a huge mistake. But then I started finding my own way over here - made my own friends (some French some anglophone) and just kind of decided that I was here to stay and I should make the most of it.

When you get around to talking about getting married, you'll need to have some long talks about how often you foresee coming back to visit (once a year, a couple times a year, more often?). And who knows, you may actually inspire your family members to make the trip, since they'll have someone to visit "over there." As someone else has mentioned, there's cheap Internet phone calls and actually air fares aren't all that outrageous these days, if you don't mind flying cattle car class. <g> You'll make the time for whatever is important to you.

And read Bill Bryson's books about living in the UK and returning to the US. He lived in the UK for 25 years and raised his family there. They moved back to the US a few years back - which resulted in a very funny book (I'm a Stranger Here Myself - I think that's the title in the US) - and last I heard they had moved back to the UK.

[ladykt98]

Thanks everyone for your responses, this has been truly helpful. It's nice to know I am not the only one who has had to face these types of hard decisions!

Some of you asked above how well my boyfriend can cope being away from his family for long periods of time. The answer is that he can completely cope well being away from his family for a long, long time. As long as he gets to talk to them on the phone he has no problem whatsoever. Believe it or not I am usually ok with that as well. Currently I am about 4 hours away from my family but I still get to see them more than I would if I was back in the UK. The problem, like some of you mentioned above, would be that I would be missing all the family gatherings, special occasions, and even silly stuff like even going to the movies or going out to dinner with my chatting with my sisters, if I moved back to the UK.

As for moving abroad, I know I will be homesick at first and that it will take time to re-adjust to my new surroundings. I know I can make friends and life will return to normal, but just in a different location. I am ok with that and accept that. My main fears, like some of you mentioned above, revolve around having that sadness in the pit of your stomach for not being able to see my family as often as I might like. I had a friend whose mother got marries young and moved across the country and never got to see her family and she was such a sad woman. I don't want to turn into that.

The latest update with me is that my boyfriend just got back from a week in London visiting friends and also interviewing at various places. Although he is in the beginning stages of the interview process, he has potential for one role in London and he did say he would want me to come along with him. So it is possible that he may move back sooner rather than later. Really though I am just going to have to wait it out and see how it goes. Who knows, he might not even get the job and may end up staying here in the US longer than he planned. I think we are going to have to take it one day at a time.

In the meantime I really appreciate everyone's advice. Bevdeforges - I am also going to get that book!

take care everyone

[izzysmum04]

I totally agree with Rexico...do make several visits before you make your decision. Unfortunately, living over here is a totally different thing from visiting, but the visits do give you a bit of insight into what it will be like. Bevdeforges suggestion of reading Bill Bryson's book is spot on, too. The book is terrific! I got to hear him speak at Bournemouth University in Dorset a while back. Really funny and terribly nice man!

It took me about a year to fully adjust after I moved over. The one thing I do despise about it is the weather, especially this past summer. It was the worst summer I have ever experienced. I believe I wore my sweats a lot because I was chilly, and the rain, don't even get me started on that. Other than that, I love it here, especially in Devon, and looking across the sound and seeing Cornwall. The people have been wonderful to me, and I have made many good lifelong friends. The one thing that kills me though is being so far away from my family. It's been especially difficult since giving birth to Isabella several years ago. I hate it because my family is missing watching her grow up. They only get to experience her once or twice a year. We do send videos, and talk over the computer, but it's just not the same.

Sorry about that. Should quit here or I will end up writing a novel.

[kaz101]

Originally Posted by izzysmum04

The one thing I do despise about it is the weather, especially this past summer. It was the worst summer I have ever experienced.

It was a bad summer this year in the UK though. We left the UK in July and came across to South Australia and the weather was warmer in Australia in the Winter than the Summer we had just left in the UK! And yes the Aussies were complaining how cold it was

If your sadness is going to be the focus (that may not be the right word) then think carefully before moving. There are lots of stories on other forums about people having to move back because they can't be away from their families. I spent most of the last 2 days crying because my parents have just gone back to the UK after being in Australia for a month. I miss them already and they haven't even landed back in the UK yet! However I also know that I love it here in Oz, and now I have more determination to get some other things I've been working in (online business, share trading, property...) to produce more income so that either they can visit me and we can visit them.
I know that skype and a webcam is not the same, but I do treasure the time I spend with them and I don't take them for granted now like I used to when I saw them all the time.

Sorry this is turning into a novel too.

We are all different so you need to decide what is right for you.

Good luck!

Regards,
Karen