Originally Posted by larabell

I'd be at least somewhat worried. Your girlfriend is obviously not fully "Americanized" if she's willing to put up with this kind of grief just to fulfill what is, essentially, a Japanese family tradition. That also shows that, despite the time she's spent away from her family, her family ties are still very strong.

Japanese are traditionally brought up to respect their parents. Her mother's opinion is obviously valuable to her, as I would expect from any Japanese female. But it's not just the wedding you have to worry about. If she respects her mother to the extent that she wants to try to placate her at any cost, despite knowing the likely outcome, you can be sure that she will continue to look to her mother for advice during the rough spots of your life together. I was in exactly that position for a time. Japanese spouse who was torn between her (apparent) love for me and her respect for her bitter mother. She even told me that it didn't bother her that her mother was against the marriage. However, in the end, family ties proved stronger. Her angry and bitter mother took every opportunity to try to drive a wedge between us and it eventually worked. I won't say things would have definitely worked between us if her mother had been accepting of the marriage -- I don't really know that. We unearthed more than our share of latent cultural issues while we were together. But it seems to me you're far more likely to stay together if you have Mom encouraging her to try to work things out than if you have Mom telling her that everything is your fault and the best thing she could do is pack up and come home (which she will occasionally feel like doing, anyway, even without Mom in the background egging her on).

Believe me... you're going to encounter cultural differences throughout your relationship that you never even realized were there (unless you've been living together or a decade or two, in which case you probably wouldn't need my advice ;-). According to my experience, many older Japanese still believe that the Japanese way is the only "right" way and that means that when you and your wife-to-be disagree on any point, she's going to have Mom in her corner telling her not to budge an inch because you're just a Westerner with no "common sense" (on the bright side, I did learn a *lot* about what the tern "common sense" really means ;-).

You should probably discuss this in depth with your girlfriend before getting engaged. Find out whether she will be strong enough to break her ties with her mother if the worst-case scenario comes to pass. Chances are, she won't be. That could put you in a very difficult situation, pretty much for the rest of your time together -- or at least until her mother is no longer around.

I hesitate to post such a "doom-and-gloom" forecast but it's probably better that you go in knowing what *could* happen and it doesn't than you start out with rose-colored glasses and get broadsided in the end. Japanese (in general, of course) don't seem to be able to break family ties as easily as we Westerners when there is a conflict between spousal and parental responsibility. Nor do parents tend to say to their children: "well, as long as you're happy, I'm happy" (not that Japanese parents have any corner on *that* market ;-). I've heard the same story many times myself and almost always in connection with a cross-cultural marriage. In fact, I know of only one cross-cultural couple, among dozens I've known, that are still together and, in that case, her parents get along with her husband (an American friend of mine) very well.

I don't believe for a second that this doesn't have anything to do with your not being Japanese. If you think that, you probably don't have the whole picture. Her mother probably had her daughter's life all planned out in her mind (which almost certainly involved returning to Japan and marrying a doctor -- of her mother's choosing, of course) and now you're coming in from outside, like a bull in a china shop, and messing up those carefully laid plans. Add to that the very real possibility that her marriage to you means their daughter may never return to Japan at all -- and then it seems very unlikely you'll succeed in bringing her mother around to accept the marriage.

But... then again... every rule has its exceptions.

Anyway... if you want to keep me posted privately, or talk in greater detail off-list, use the link on the web page I posted earlier (or private mail via this forum). Good luck on sorting all this out...