My girlfriend and I are both in our early 30s and have been going out for many years. We are planning to get married and are trying to figure out how to approach her family.

We both have stable jobs in the U.S. that provide us with a nice lifestyle. My girlfriend has been living in the U.S. for half of her life and is fully Americanized. Her whole family is bilingual (English/Japanese), so there is no language barrier between her family and me. I’ve visited her family a couple of times in Japan, and her dad would be perfectly fine with us getting married. The only thing stopping us from getting married is her mother, a bitter and angry woman who will likely use every excuse she can to stop us from going through with it.

Let me first say that I feel very sorry for my girlfriend that she has to deal with this unstable and emotionally abusive mother, even if they are separated by the ocean. Without going into too many details, let it suffice to say that her mom is likely to try every trick she knows to attempt to emotionally manipulate my girlfriend into not marrying me. (I’m quite sure, by the way, that this has nothing to do with me personally or the fact that I’m not Japanese.) My girlfriend is fully aware of how abusive and manipulative her mother can be, and absolutely wants to marry me one way or the other. At the same time, however, she would like to get her mom to accept the marriage. At the very least, she wants us to fulfill pre-marriage obligations that would be considered appropriate by normal Japanese.

My understanding is that in Japan a boyfriend will often propose to the girlfriend, the girlfriend will then tell her parents, and the guy will then go to her parents’ home for a marriage greetings Aisatsu. Many times that is the very first time that the parents and boyfriend would meet. After that, it seems that the parents of both sides may meet, after which some families may choose to have a Yuino engagement dinner, followed by the wedding.

Though it may be expensive and not exactly what we may want, we are willing to do the Aisatsu, and then bring my parents to Japan for Yuino. The whole thing, including the wedding, would be in Japan if need be. (Her mom basically refuses to leave the city they live in, and she would never leave Japan for a trip.) Even though we are willing to go through all of this trouble and expense, I’m not sure if it’s worth it, because it seems like no matter what we do, her mom will play emotional games and be mad.

Has anyone had experience in any situation like this? Should we broach her mom about the possibility of us getting married before we even get engaged? Do my parents need to meet her parents before we get married? Or should we just go ahead with the wedding while being prepared to deal with her mom’s anger and manipulation, based on the idea that no matter what we do, she is going to try to make our lives miserable? Any advice that anyone could provide would be really appreciated. Thanks.