KhwaamLap,

I promise one and all that I'll not marry a Ladyboy! I most likely wouldn't marry a bar girl either - too much baggage to get past - starting with trust and respect.

After reading "Thailand Fever" I was a bit stunned as I thought many important issues/subjects were treated in a pretty blase manner and there was a huge preoccupation with the sex trade and how Thais need to apologize to the world which I found ridiculous. But I did learn some things about the way Thais think that probably were at least a starting point to learn more. For example the concept of na'am jai which most westerners don't understand the same way a Thai would. I am glad a read it but was disappointed how very important subjects were handled in an off-hand manner and not fully explained. Of course to do so would have made for a much longer book.

I got the impression [from the book] that the farang was treated as a prize stud, to be paraded around and shown off to all of the family, their friends, relatives and 'well wishers' and that the farang would be given ample opportunity to "prove" his worth by picking up the tab for dinners out and other festivities. It gave me the impression - with the mention of buying a home for the "new" mom and dad, or a car or other, that we were prized by how much we could spend to enrich the family. Even to the extent of borrowing money to pay Sin Sot, repaying the borrowed money over several months or years. That sounded like we were valued for our money and not ourselves. I'm now reading in "My Thai Girl and I" which is substantially different, much better and rational. It's also very well written with a LOT of humor. My answer to all of this - sin sot [the dowry] and na'am jai - is to sit down with your intended and, over time, lay out your financial abilities so that she is aware of what you can do and what you can't - then she becomes your friend and ally when it comes to sin sot and na'am jai and there are no secret agendas or hurt feelings or loss of face. If one is going to marry someone they should do that out of respect for that person and to avoid or minimize any misunderstandings regarding money. If the girl needs a man with a $5000 per month income [I exaggerate here] and I only have $2000 per month then she needs to either lower her expectations of what's acceptable or the two would need to part. Since many expats in Thailand are not working [well, officially at least] what he has is what he has and some have financial obligations back home - former wives and children. Again, he needs to be very open and honest about his financial abilities to his future bride and she needs to accept that or move on.

Aside from Sin Sot it would be understandable that, as a member of the family, one should help the parents who raised her. So should her other siblings so that the farang isn't supporting both his bride and her parents - or even the entire family. If he can afford it that's great but to my sense of fairness the farang should have no greater burden placed on him than others - again unless he is willing and can afford it. If he can it should be his choice though and not forced upon him. What is the value or meaning of a 'gift' that's extorted? Sin Sot is so alien to western culture and I can see both sides of that coin but I do think a man should honor his intended by showing a willingness to help her parents. If one was very wealthy - even if she's poor - one should expect to pay more to the parents. Again, the amount of Sin Sot will depend on her age, her beauty, her education, whether she is a virgin, has been married and perhaps how many siblings she has. Add to that calculus the wealth of the groom, his age, his attractiveness and his status and I can see the need for a very good negotiator!

You're dead-on about keeping an open mind and be open to change - to which I would add, make up the 'rules' as you go. About the time you thinks something is a hard and fast rule you'll find out it really isn't. Welcome to Asia!