I wonder how much it would cost to get my back done - probably still GBP1000 even at those prices!

Bears and gorillas look on jealously when they see the thickness of my pelt. If I accidentally left my contact lenses out and mistook a nudist colony for a safari park, then they would never let me out again.

I think I'll just have to stick with lying spreadeagled on the floor and getting my girlfriend to give me a good going over with the Flymo every couple of weeks!